Page 133 of Playing A Risk
I get a white puffy vest-type jacket out of my closet and slide it on over my long-sleeved blue shirt. “Yeah. If we’re walking, I’ll be fine.”
We leave my loft, and strangely, some of the heaviness I had before he came over has already lifted. We stroll along the sidewalk with plenty of room to move. It seems nobody wants to enjoy the weather like Jamison does.
“Let’s go to the park and talk as we go around the loop.” He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets.
“Sounds good to me.”
He peeks over at me. “Can we get back to our conversation?”
“What part?”
“The part about if there’s still a chance for us.”
God, I want to run away and be with him, but it changes nothing. He’s moving and I’m in a relationship with Hunter. Hopelessness fills my every cell.
“Jami, a week ago, you set me free. Now you’re asking me this.”
“I said all of that thinking Hunter was going to give you everything you wanted. I was trying to let you have some peace with someone who you say makes you happy. But this—” He bends over, picks up a rock, and tosses it off the walkway. “—I don’t think this will work out for you.”
“Why? Hunter doesn’t want anything with Isabella. He’s not even sure it’s his kid because he swears he doesn’t remember being with her. He still loves me. Hell, I think he loves me more because I didn’t leave him the second I found out.”
We cut off onto a path that leads straight to the loop Jami wants to walk around.
“Dori, it might not be his, but why did you stay with Hunter after he told you Isabella was pregnant? I only ask because a few weeks ago, we were getting ready to commit to each other.
“You said you loved me and I know I love you. We were minutes from it, but you found out about Aricin. You left and shut me out instantly. Why does Hunter get different treatment?”
This is a loaded question.
I’ve talked to my therapist a couple of times about it and the answer I have won’t fly with Jami. I’m not sure it makes that much sense to me.
Jami has opportunities in Miami. If he stays here for me, I’m only holding him back. I gaze around our surroundings and a tree reminds me of the one he carved our initials into.
Why couldn’t we have found a way to make it work between us?
“Can we go talk by that tree?” I point to it. “I want to have this conversation face-to-face.”
“It sounds like I won’t like what you say.” He tips his chin to the sky, almost like he’s asking God some question that he’ll never get the answer to.
I keep my sights on the tree. Maybe doing this there will ease some of what I have to say. We get to it and he stops.
I draw out an imaginary heart with my finger on the trunk. Inside, I trace the letters J+D. I don’t need to tell him what I’m doing because he puts his finger next to mine and finishes it with an arrow.
I take his hand and turn to face him, fighting back all my pain and regret. “You’ve been in my life for so long. I don’t have many memories without you. For a second, I thought we would get our happily ever after. I wanted it, Jami. I really did.”
He nods with sadness. “But you love him more.”
“No. It’s not that. It’s just different. I left you that night because I was shocked and confused. I felt like you owed me something. Deep down, I wanted you to leave Lauren and come to me.”
I suck in a breath to stop myself from crying. “I was so mad at you for having a child. Sure, hiding it from me was part of it. But I’ve come to realize I left that night because I knew I’d never be able to give you that.”
“Dori, I’m sorry, but you’re confusing me.”
“At the time, I was dead set on not having kids because of what I had gone through. While I was staying with Hunter, he said something to me that clicked. He said he thought I was more scared of getting pregnant than having kids and he was right.”
“So why break it off with me if you thought I had a son?” Jami tries to release my hand, but I hold it tighter.
I can’t tell him I was sick with envy of Lauren and their child. It will only confuse him.
