Page 219 of Never Die for a Sinner
“Ava—”
Levi is cut off by the shuffling of feet when Nolan Marks steps into the room, his eyes raking over me in the bed.
My heart catches in my throat at the little stuffed dog in his hand. Like I’m a child. I suppose, in his eyes, I still am. When he left, I was only four years old.
“You’re awake,” he says distantly, and my throat swells. I’m not sure if it’s from being asleep so long or the pain radiating through my chest.
“You’re my father,” I say quietly.
He looks both guilty and ashamed. I don’t understand. Why leave if you’re going to feel bad about it?
“I am.”
“Why are you here?”
Surprise crosses his face before he accepts what I’ve said.
It’s funny . . . his eyes. They’re nearly the same shade of green as mine. That’s the only similarity that I can see, and yet, looking at him, I know.
“I shouldn’t be,” he admits finally.
“But . . .” I finish for him.
“But I am still your father. By blood. There was a time when that wouldn’t mean much to me, but now . . .”
“Why did you leave?”
He winces, refusing to meet my eyes.
“I haven’t lived a good life, Ava. You deserved a father, and I didn’t deserve a daughter . . . When I found out your mother was pregnant, I was engaged to someone else. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a father,” he murmurs. “For four years, I tried to be good to you, but I was only making you sad. Showing up when I could get away from my life. Leaving you crying when I had to go back. I realized you were better off without me, even if it killed me to watch you go.”
The soul-crushing truth in his words feels like spikes digging into my heart. It’s true, in a lot of ways.
That doesn’t make it right, but dwelling on it doesn’t change anything. The past is the past. I’ve lived twenty years without him and survived.
“Why did you find me now?”
“I had no idea Wright was Alex’s father. If I had, I would have stopped it before he could reach you. Luckily, I knew you wereworking for Cross, and I met with him, asking him to keep an eye on you.” Nolan has the audacity to stare pointedly at Levi. “I didn’t expect him to take me so literally.”
“Why would he use me against you? You were never a father to me. Not like you were to him.”
He soaks in the silence of my words, his face grim. I suppose I’m being harsh, but I’m just so tired. Tired of fighting for my spot in people’s lives. Tired of wishing someone would choose me.Reallychoose me and not just when it’s convenient.
“I’ve always watched over you, from afar. I was there the night your mother lost you. I was there when you broke your arm at nine years old . . .” He clears his throat of the roughness in his voice. “It might not mean much, but I’ve changed. I’d like to be there when you get married and have babies of your own . . . if you’ll have me.”
Tears burn in my eyes, and I know without a doubt what I need to do.
The life I’ve lived has been for everyone else around me. I’ve never given much thought to what I wanted to do with my life. I’ve never experienced anything. I’ve never been out of this corner of the country.
From my mother to nursing Gran, to loving Levi, to discovering I have a father, I had forgotten that there was still a person inside me who deserved to dream. I forgot to figure out who I was when everyone else was away.
Like the flip of a switch, my heart sinks, because at that moment, I realize exactly what I need to do. Judging by the look on Levi’s face, he does too.
“I forgive you,” I say finally, and in my father’s eyes, I see myself. He knows too. “But, for now . . . I need space.”
It surprises me that I don’t feel the crushing weight of the world around me in that statement. I had to know I could bealone in the world without relying on Gran, my friends, or even love. I have to be able to make the decisions on who is allowed in my life and who isn’t.
Starting with my father.
