Page 89 of White Raven
His mouth involuntarily parted, and the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach turned to sorrow that she would even think something like that. “What?”
“Do you love her?” she asked, pressing her lips together like she was trying not to get emotional.
“Sarah, you know I never loved her like that. Me and Rhaena…we’re not…” He turned to the side and gripped his hair in his hand. “Fuck.”
“Fine, then what is it? If I’m overthinking it, then I’ll be the first one to apologize, but I really don’t know why else—”
“Because it could be mine,” he cut her off. When he turned to look at her, she looked about like he expected her to—shocked and in disbelief. Her arms slowly dropped to her sides, and the cup along with it as it busted on the pavement.
“What?”
“Rhaena’s baby…there’s a small chance it’s not Brandon’s. The only other person would be me.” Her face went from shock to devastation in less than two seconds, and her hands trembled. “I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know how. We don’t even know if she is or isn’t.”
“But…you’ve been with me. I know you and Rhaena used to fuck, but that was before me, Athan.” Her breathing picked up, and the look in those pretty eyes was so terrified. It was like she knew the answer before he was giving it and praying to God she’d be wrong.
If only that were the case.
“There was another time. After we met.” He nearly choked on every word, taking a step closer to her. She pressed herself against the wall.
“Shut the fuck up. When?”
“It was the day that she went to see you in the hospital. We had just met, and…I was spiraling. She was jealous. I didn’t know what to think about everything going on in my head where you were concerned. Rhaena was pretty sure that I was gonna fall for you, and she was frustrated and lonely. I had already turned her down once the night I came to question you. I told her I couldn’t fuck her while I was thinking of someone else.”
“And you weren’t thinking of me while you plowed her that time?” she snapped, her lower lip wobbling. Fair enough…but it fucking sucked.
“I’d be lying if I said no, Sarah. But you were with Stratford, and I didn’t think for one second that you’d ever decide to be with me. Especially if you knew what I’d done to you. The relationship I had with Rhaena…I never reciprocatedthose feelings. Whatever she had. She was my partner. She’ll always be my partner, but it was never more than that.”
Sarah scoffed, tears filling her eyes as she turned her face away. “Until you end up being her fucking baby-daddy!” Her arms folded in front of her chest again, and she bit her bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth. He was dying to touch her and reached his hand out without thinking. She jerked herself away.
“Sarah…”
“Just don’t.” She kept shaking her head, looking back at him like he’d just brought the world down on her. “I’m not saying that it doesn’t bother me a little that there might be a little Athan running around out there whose mother isn’t me. I told you before, I don’t expect your number to be low, knowing how old you are, and what your old job title used to be Athan…but you should have fucking told me. I may have been with Brent then, and you didn’t have any obligation to me at that point other than telling me you were the reason I was rotting in that hospital. But I thought we weredonekeeping secrets.”
“Sarah, I—”
“You asked me tomarryyou!” she cried, lifting her left hand. “You crushed me when I found out on my own about my mother’s necklace and what you did to me in that alley. Now here you are crushing me again, because you still feel like I don’t deserve the truth! How could you do this to me?” She wiped her nose on her sleeve.
“I never wanted to hurt you. I still don’t even know how to feel about it myself. How could I tell you something like that?!” He leaned in close enough that their noses almost touched. “How could I look you in the eye and tell you that the future we wanted was not only being put on the back burner because of your fucking senile father, but also because I might have an illegitimate child with another woman? It was just as hard not telling you,believeme!”
“I’m sure it was, Athan. I’m sure it was just as hard as knowing that you almostfuckedme while hanging on to the knowledge that you’d already killed me once. How did holding that back work out for you? You think you would have learned your fucking lesson by now!” She shoved him back a step and straightened her spine. He didn’t know whether to rip her clothes off or grovel at her feet. “I don’t care how hard it is for you, thefact…is that ever since we were mated. Ever since you put a ring on my hand…you chose not to be alone in whatever we go through. We go through ittogether!That means givingmea fucking choice in how I handle myself or figuring out how to back you.”
A tear slid down her cheek, and she trembled with rage. She looked like she was about to throttle him the way she had in his kitchen that horrible morning. “I know you care about her. I love Rhaena too. She might be your partner at the precinct, Athan…but she’s not your partner in life. You choseme. I choseyou. I fucking gave my life for you.Twice. The least you could have given me was the courtesy of being fucking honest.”
Undeserving. Still…so undeserving. She was right. About everything.
“You’re right,” he choked, nodding slowly. “You’re right, Sarah. I should have come clean, and I’m sorry.”
“Would you have ever told me?” she asked, her voice breaking.
Good question. One he couldn’t even come up with an honest answer to…not even for himself. Sarah huffed a laugh through her nose, rolling her eyes and snatching the bag from him as she turned towards the door.
“Sarah,” Athan called, reaching a hand out to stop her.
“Don’t wait up. I’m gonna crash with Wren tonight. I don’t wanna see you right now.” She jerked the door open, giving him her back and he tugged on the hood of her jacket.
“Baby, please—”
Sarah whipped around, her long hair flying around her shoulder. “I said leave me alone, Athan! The time for talking to me was days ago. Stew on that while I’m gone. I’ll see you tomorrow.” They locked eyes for what seemed like an eternity, and then she turned and slammed the heavy metal door in his face, leaving him standing in the back alley with clouds of his breath puffing from his mouth.
