Page 58 of Tyton: The Spider and the Dragonfly
Sparx brought Callie in for another hug.“Do you want me to stay?”He felt Callie shake her head against his arm.
“Thanks for coming over.I appreciate it.I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“You’re a good person, Cal.You know that, right?”Sparx squeezed once more before he left.
Callie dimmed the lights and crawled back into bed.She knew Sparx was right.She hadn’t just killed a random person, she had acted out of a fear.And the revelations about Brin were shocking, to say the least, but also somehow, not?If that made sense.How many people had those guards killed?And for what?How many had corporations killed?What was the blood on her hands compared to that?
But she hadn’t shared everything with him either.She hadn’t told him how her body reacted to watching Sesi kill.He didn’t feel the rush of adrenaline Callie felt when she drew the knife across those guards’ necks.Callie’s fear wasn’t that shehadkilled.Her fear was that she might havelikedit.
When the edge of the round blade sunk effortlessly into the skin and tore a hole through the man’s trachea making it impossible for him to utter a sound as he fell, relief had washed over her.That, she could understand.The feeling that chased it, she could not.
She couldn’t put it into words, and so she hadn’t told Sparx.It wasn’t power.It wasn’t even pleasure, but it had feltgood.Like a mother bear, defending its cubs.Not that bears existed anymore or that Sesi even needed defending.That’s what made it worse.
The feeling justclicked.Like it belonged there.Likeshebelonged there.And if Sesi couldn’t defend herself, she might be able to rationalise it.But the opposite was true.
During her AI psych training, they had been taught that people who kill fall into five categories.The first is self-defence.That did not apply to her; she could simply have turned around and left like Sesi told her to.
The second is following orders.Like Brin.Third: protection of others.All of these fall under the umbrella ofsocially acceptableand still usually require regular therapy sessions.
Then there are the others.Theft.Revenge.Hatred.All motivated by external factors and can be mitigated by education, a functioning justice system or reduction of poverty.
The fifth one is thrill-seeking and attention.The person is broken.No amount of education, therapy or money will fix someone who kills for fun.
And Callie worried that the feeling she got fell underthrill-seeking.Because Callie was an expert in worrying.Which, she also knew, would be pointless because if itdidfall underthrill-seeking, there would be nothing she or anyone else could do to fix it.
Callie scrunched up her pillow and lay flat on her back, consumed by thoughts of becoming a serial killer.It was nonsense.She knew it was nonsense, but Callie couldn’t help it.She sighed in annoyance.She could get some anxiety chem from the Vendr, but she had to work the next day and it was too late to take them.Callie released a muffled yell into her pillow.
Throat sore and brain still doom-spiralling, the only thing left were some old therapy exercises – go through the steps of something monotonous, but mentally demanding.She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes.
She could walk to work.Wave to Mike.Scan in at NovAITech.Open her locker door.Put on her SubSuit.Put on her mask.Turn on her SubSuit.Scan in past the Secondary.Scan in to the Ruskov chamber.Fear for her life.
No good.
She racked her brain for anything else meaningless that she did and understood immediately the problem.Therewasnothing else.In the two years since Brin had left, Callie had allowed her life to become so minimal, that she had nothing.No hobbies.No sports.Not even any friends, aside from Sparx.At the time, it had seemed like a way to step back and destress, but now, here she was.Merelyexisting.
Rope.It had been far too long, but nothing else she did had a set of simple steps.That’s why she always liked it – it was simple, yet tedious in the best way.
Callie balled her fists and flexed her toes, forcing herself to come back into her body.She took three deep breaths and tried again.
She would start with her arms behind her back, an elbow in each hand.They would lace the rope through the space between her elbow and rib cage.She would feel the rope slide against her skin into the middle of her back.One wrap.Two.A single column tie.
Up to her right shoulder.Held in place and wrapped around her ribs.Nodome, reverse direction, another nodome.Back up to the left shoulder.
The tightness in her chest eased.This might be temporary, but she felt marginally better than before.
What she really needed was to talk with someone else who understood and that was a very small group of people.She doubted Talia would be much help, which only left Sesi.Who she had just killed for.And who had just kissed her.
The Hanged Man
January 11 2268
S
esi waited for her in the boxing ring.Her shorts looked unfairly good on her and Callie had to stop her brain from short circuiting.That wasn’t why she was here.
“You’re early.”Sesi’s feet dangled off the edges of the mat.“You wanted to talk about yesterday?”
“Lemme guess, Sparx?”
