Page 89 of Don't Leave
I can picture her sitting on one of our lawn chairs while I slapped thousands of hockey pucks at the net in our driveway, attempting to channel all of my anger and rage toward something other than the drunk asshole who stole my father from me.
Later on in middle school, I made sure no one messed with her. Even though I wasn’t a fighter, I kicked anyone’s ass who gave her shit. Somewhere toward the end of my sophomore year in high school, I realized that Jackie was the girl I wanted to be with and that what I felt for her went beyond friendship.
It’s the reason her betrayal cut to the bone and hurt like hell.
Maybe it still does.
I suck in a deep breath as another tear rolls down her cheek. There’s nothing that makes me feel more helpless than female tears. Even though I know the magic words that what would make them stop, I can’t force myself to say them.
“I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.”
The only positive in this situation is that my mom isn’t here. She’d probably want to have an impromptu therapy session so we could discuss our feelings in a healthy manner and come to a resolution.
No, thanks.
Her tongue darts out to moisten her lips. “Cole?—”
“Why?” It’s a question that’s been gnawing at the back of my mind since I found out about her cheating. “Why did you do it?”
Her eyes widen before she glances away. Another thick silence tries to suffocate the very life out of us.
When she remains silent, I wonder if she’ll bother to answer. Maybe she doesn’t have one. At least one she’s willing to share with me. But then her gaze locks on mine. Even though I want to be indifferent to the pain that throbs and pulses in her dark depths, that’s impossible.
“When I left last year, I thought I’d be gone for four years, get my degree, find a good job, and then we’d settle down somewhere and start our life together.” When I remain silent, her voice fills with emotion, “And I wanted that. I wanted you. There was never a time when I didn’t.”
My brows pinch together. What she’s saying doesn’t make any sense. “What happened to change that?”
She swipes at another tear before jerking her shoulders. “I want you to know that I never set out to cheat on you. A few weeks into the semester, I met this guy in class and at first, we were just friends. I wasn’t clicking with my roommate or other girls on the dorm floor, so it just felt easier to hang out with him. You’d been my best friend for so long that being with himjust felt normal. But the more time we spent together, the more my feelings grew and changed. It confused me to feel a such an intense pull toward another guy. Especially when I’d only ever felt that way about you. It made me question our relationship and my feelings.”
Her explanation sends a fresh wave of pain crashing over me. It takes effort to keep my voice level. “Then you should have been upfront with me about that. You should have pulled the plug on our relationship instead of stringing me along while you hooked up with this other dude.”
She shakes her head as more tears slide down her cheeks. “At first, I was going to tell you. I was going to break it off.” Misery fills her expression. “I really thought I loved him.”
I can only stare at her in shock. We’ve known each other for so long and yet, right now, it feels like I’m staring at a stranger. Not once did I ever question our relationship.
“But I was wrong,” she whispers. “It wasn’t real. We were together for a couple weeks and then it ended.” Her gaze drops to her lap as her voice dips. “I just wanted to pretend it never happened. Being with him showed me how much I loved you. Even though I knew I should come clean, I didn’t want to lose you.”
My head spins that she would even consider keeping all this from me.
“But then I found out I was pregnant and knew I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
I’d thought it wasn’t possible to be anymore pissed off about the situation.
I was wrong.
Her shoulders collapse as she whispers, “It took weeks for me to work up the nerve to tell you.”
My mind tumbles back to the call I’d received from her before Thanksgiving break. I’d been too shellshocked to doanything other than shutdown. I’d sat in my darkened room, holding the phone in my hand, feeling blindsided. None of it felt real.
My girlfriend would never cheat on me.
My best friend would never betray me like that.
But she did.
I don’t realize that my fingers are curled and digging into the couch cushions until pain shoots through them. Only then do I loosen my grip.
“What I did was wrong,” she says quickly. “I was an idiot to doubt what we had for even a second. I should have just attended Western instead of going away.” She swipes at the wetness on her cheeks. “I think we’d still be together if I’d done that. Hurting you and ruining what we had will always be my biggest regret. If there were a way to go back and change what I did, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I hope you realize that.”
