Page 56 of True Sight
I turn my phone off completely and set it back down on the table. Gluing my eyes to the ceiling, it starts to sink in what happened last night and the potential impact of it all. Everything is different now, I can’t go back and undo what happened. My chest starts to tighten and I’m finding it harder to take in a full breath.
“Everything okay?” The vibration of his voice against my chest seems to send a shockwave through me causing me to feel an intense need to escape. I roll out from under him and start to pace the room in an attempt to walk off some of the panic.
“Conrad? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” He uses the back of his hand to wipe the sleep out of his eyes. His bicep flexes as he does and I feel the feral urge to lunge at him.
“What is this?” I bark and throw my hands out to my sides.
“What is what?” he questions, opening his eyes andpropping himself up on his elbow to track me with tired eyes.
“This?Us?” I enunciate the ‘us’ and flail my arms between us to ensure there is no more confusion. My breath comes out shallow and it suddenly feels as if I’m swallowing pins.
“I’m not sure what this is but I also haven’t had my morning cup of tea, so I’m not sure what anything is yet.” His attempt at a smile does nothing to settle the anxiety that’s growing in my gut.
“I’m not joking, sweets. This isn’t a joking matter,” I spit back. My feet halt at the end of the bed and I glare at him from where I stand. The sudden shift in the room causes him to soften and sit up straight with his hands in his lap and the white, fluffy duvet covers him from the waist down.
“I know it’s not, love. I’m sorry for teasing.” His voice is soft as he speaks. The greens in his eyes steady me. “What do you want this to be?”
I blink a few times, my heart settling the longer he looks at me. “I don’t know.”
It feels like a cop-out response but genuinely, to my core, I’m not sure what I want this to be. I know I like him. I know I want to spend more time with him. But the idea of putting an official title to what we’re doing or giving him any kind of name other than ‘Henry’ makes my brain short circuit and causes my heart to instantly panic.
“You don’t have to know,” he offers.
“What if people ask about us? What do we tell them then?”
“We tell them whatever you want to tell them.”
“Well I don’t know what I would tell them,” I practically shout. I know I shouldn’t have but the ever consuming anxiety I’m feeling is making it hard to control myself.Annie, who’s asleep on the floor, hurries out of the room and Henry looks like he wishes he could go with her.
“You don’t have to know that either.” His face and voice are soft and I’m amazed at how calm he can be. At a loss for words, I just stand at the end of the bed for a moment before running my hands through my hair. I rope my fingers together behind my neck and look up at the ceiling.
“Hey,” he calls to me and extends a hand for me to take. “Come here.”
I study his hand for a few beats before taking it, and his thumb rubs the back of my hand when I do. Reluctantly, I let him pull me in and take a seat next to him on the bed. When he pulls my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it, the spot instantly warms at his touch.
“You don’t have to have all the answers all the time. It’s okay to live in a gray space of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I’m still figuring things out.’ You don’t have to have your entire life mapped out all the time.”
“But that’s how I like to live my life—by schedules and routines. It’s how my brain works, it’s the only way I can live without absolutely losing my mind.” My teeth grind together at the thought ofnothaving it all planned out for once.
“Did you plan last night?” He raises a brow at me.
“No.”
“Did you plan to come over to my place on Friday before you just did it?”
I pause before answering. “No.”
“And did youplanto talk to your therapist about having a crush on me or kiss me in the rain last night or fall completely head over heels for me?” His voice is all tease and for once, I’m not annoyed by it.
“I’m not head over heels for you,” I deadpan.
“Not yet you aren’t.” He smiles and bumps his shoulder with mine. “My point is, you can’t plan for everything. And more often than not, the best things in life aren’t planned—they just happen. You’ve survived so many unplanned things already in life, I know you can survive a few more. Just go with the flow and let things happen, you’ll see.”
My emotions feel like someone has put them through a blender and I almost wish I had a session with Hanna so I could talk to her about it. When he bumps my shoulder again, I turn to look at him.
“I like you, Conrad, a lot. And I’m really glad about last night and getting to wake up with you this morning. Honestly, I hope we do it again.”
“I hope we do it again too,” I offer with a hint of shyness in my voice. I’m not sure why, it wasn’t like I just met him or anything. But something about what we have feels different, it feels new. And with that newness comes a whole wave of fresh nervous energy that is cut with excitement and anticipation.
