Page 38 of True Sight
“I mean,maybeI have but nothing like what my friends have. Growing up I would sit and listen to them talk about whatever girl they were in love with and go on and on about how pretty she is or how good she smells and I just never understood it.”
“Have you ever kissed a girl?” The way she asks the question is more friendly than professional and I can’t stop myself from groaning.
“Yes,I’ve kissed a girl before but mostly because my friends bet me I wouldn’t. Or at the occasional drunken house party in college but even that was few and far between.”
“Have you ever…ya know…” She nods her head awkwardly.
“Oh come on,” I cry out. I can’t believe she’s even asking me this.
“Well, you ask me what it feels like to be into someone and then tell me you’ve only kissed a few people, the next logical question to ask is if you’ve ever had sex before.”
“This is sonotwhat I thought we’d be talking about today.” I groan again, looking at the ceiling. Taking a deepbreath, I look back at my therapist who is anxiously awaiting my answer.
“Yes, I’ve had sex before. There were a few girls in college and one after I graduated but that was years ago at this point,” I relent. Thinking back on my past sexual endeavors I remember how they were really nothing special, over the top, or completely life changing as my friends made sex out to be. Sure, they were fine and I had a good time but it was never something I felt like I needed to repeat. Dating is something that has never really interested me because the thought of continuing to be with the same person over and over again feels like too much work. I have my friends and that’s all I need.
“Okay, and why not recently?” Hanna’s words cut through my thoughts and pull me back to the present. She’s writing again on her notepad and I wish more than anything I can see what’s so important she has to write it down in my record.
“I don’t know, it just didn’t seem important?”
“But it seems important now?”
“I mean, I guess.”
“Because your friends are all in stable, healthy relationships?” she repeats.
“Please, Malcolm and Ophelia are hardly stable. The only thing holding those two together is their matching libido and extra strength condoms,” I mumble under my breath.
“Is something else sparking the interest in being ‘into someone?’” The way she draws out the last two words makes me bristle. Why does she have to be so annoying? Why do I pay to be annoyed by her week after week? Her words sink into my skin as I worry my bottom lip. It’s not asomething, it’ssomeone.
Auburn hair. A smile you can see across the room. Legs that looked great in the joggers he was wearing when I saw him last weekend. I shake my head for a moment to kick the ideas of him out.Why the hell does he keep invading my mind?
“Would you just answer my question please?” I almost beg. She studies me for a moment as if she wants to dig into this deeper but when her face relaxes, I know she’s going to give me what I want.
“Well it’s different for everyone, but typically people say they have feelings of excitement or anticipation of the person’s call. They might catch themselves thinking about the person they have a crush on without meaning to or wondering what they’re doing throughout the day. Sometimes it’s physical, like butterflies in your stomach or an increased heart rate when they’re around. You know, things like that.”
Anticipation of their call.
Catching yourself thinking about them without meaning to.
Stomach issues.
Fuck.
“But what if youcan’tbe into someone?” I ask desperately, my throat suddenly feeling dry and scratchy.
“Whywouldn’t you be able to be into someone?”
“I don’t know, because it’s…” I struggle to find the right words. “It’s not what you expected for yourself.”
“Conrad, when it comes to love and having feelings for someone else, it’s almostneverwhat we expect for ourselves. Just ask my mother, she was hoping I’d be married by now with three kids and I’m not.” She gives me an annoyed smile.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat and try to logically explain away all the feelings and signs she just laid out forme that would point to me being into Henry. I’m notintoHenry, I can’t be. He’s…well he’s a guy and I’m not into guys. I’m into women and women only. Just like my friends. I can’t be into guys.
Can I?
“Conrad?” My eyes shoot to Hanna who’s leaning over her knees and watching me carefully. “I just want you to know that it’s completely normal to have feelings for another person that you didn’t expect to have. Sometimes we can’t explain our attraction to another person nor can we control it. It just happens and I want you to know that you can talk to me aboutanyoneyou might be ‘into’ if that’s what you decide you are. Do you know what I’m saying?”
The look in her eyes makes me worry that she can somehow read my mind and knows who I was thinking about. My heart starts to race behind my chest and it’s suddenly hard to swallow. My throat feels like someone shoved a tennis ball down it. I rub my chest with my hand.
