Page 50 of True Sight
10:05
Conrad, mate, I’m so sorry for doing that. I didn’t mean to, I sincerely hope I didn’t ruin our friendship. I don’t know what came over me, please accept my apology.
10:57
I’m really, really sorry. I never try to be that person, the person who doesn’t know boundaries or how to respect them. I hope I didn’t offend you or insinuate anything about who you are. Please, I’m really sorry.
12:45
Me again, I tried calling but you didn’t pick up. I just want to talk, to clear the air. If you need a day, I get it. I hope we can still work together and move past this.
3:45
I’m heading to the studio for the evening to plan classes but have my phone on me if you want to talk about things. I’m really sorry again, I guess I just misread the situation. I’m so embarrassed, I hope you forgive me.
The latest message is the longest one yet.
5:55
Hey, it’s me again. I know I’ve been a psycho all day with all these messages and I’m sure I’m coming off as pretty desperate but that’s because I am. I know you might not like me in the same way I like you and that’s okay with me. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is the idea that I’ve maybe ruined our friendship because that’s never what I wanted. I thought that there was something between us but maybe I was wrong. But maybe…maybe I’m not? Maybe you’re just not ready to admit that there is and if that’s the case, that’s okay too. Change is scary, I know that. But I want you to know that I’m here for you, just like you were for me, if you want me to be. I’d do anything for you, I really mean that.
Please just text me back or call me so I know we’re okay.
I read his text over and over again to myself. The more I do, the more I come to realize that he’s right. I am scared.
Scared of admitting that he means more to me than I’m ready to accept.
Scared of succumbing to my feelings for him.
Scared of letting in a new person because I’ve never done well with that.
But most significantly, scared of admitting that he’s becoming important to me. Because the important people in my life have a tendency to leave when I’m not ready for them to.
I drop my phone to my side and look around my apartment. It’s empty and cold and honestly a little boring. Just like how I feel about myself. And I’m tired of feeling empty and cold and boring. I want to feel alive, to feel energized, to feel interesting. Just like how I feel when I’m with him.
“Annie, come!” I shout to her and she comes running like she always does before sitting at my feet, butt wiggling as if she knows what’s happening. “Come on, girl, we have somewhere we need to be.”
22
HENRY
Icame to the studio to try and distract myself from the utter shame and embarrassment of what happened this morning. I can’t believe I kissed him like I did. I mean, what was I thinking? And then when he practically ran out of my flat as if it was on fire, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I can’t believe how stupid I acted, thinking he actually likes me in the same way I like him.ClearlyI’ve read the signs all wrong which is why he isn’t taking my calls or replying to my texts. So here I am, sitting in the upstairs room of the studio trying to plan out next week’s classes since this weekend’s classes have been canceled due to the storm. The rain had let up enough for me to feel okay heading over here but not much has been done since I locked the front doors behind me.
My laptop is open in front of me as well as the printed schedule I left the last time I was here. Spotify is pulled up on my computer as I attempt to make a playlist for Monday’s class. My eyes are glazed over as I stare at the wall, lost in another replay of last night and this morning. I thought I had read the situation right.
Apparently not.
My final text to him was my last ditch effort to get him to reply. I can live with the fact that he may not like me in the way I like him. But I can’t live with the thought of him being uncomfortable because of how I acted. And while I may have made up every other sign that he was into me, I know for a fact that I didn’t make it up when I felt him lean into me when I kissed him. I felt it—for the briefest second—how he let himself go and just lived in the moment with me. As I stare into the abyss, lamenting to myself about how I’ll more than likely need to be searching for a new software developer, a loud knock from downstairs rings out through the empty studio. I glance out the window and can see it is still raining cats and dogs outside when I hear another knock.
“Who in their right mind?” I sigh, pushing myself up from the floor to head downstairs to see who it is. Looking through the glass front door, I can see them both clear as day. My heart starts to pick up and my breath catches in my throat. Why is he here?
“Is this your new thing, surprising me with your presence while it’s pouring down rain?” I call out, having to speak louder so he can hear me over the sound of water pounding against the pavement.
“I’m sorry for running away.” His words stun me where I stand. He’s squinting at me through the rain and Annie, not waiting to be let in, pulls herself from Conrad’s hand and takes off inside the studio. He and I stay where we are, staring at one another.
“I’m sorry for running away,” he says again, and I can tell he is breathing heavily. His chest is rising and falling under his jacket as he wipes some rain out of his eyes. “And I’m sorry for what I said earlier. You were right, I am scared.Scared of not knowing what it’s like to be with someone like you. Scared of opening myself up. Scared that I’ll lose you like I’ve lost so many other people in my life.” He licks his lips and takes a step closer to where I’m leaning against the door, watching him as he speaks. “But most of all, I’m scared of never knowing what it’s like to do this again.”
His words come out frantically as he closes the space between us and pulls me into a kiss. His hand loops itself under the back of my head and pulls me closer, his fingers gripping my hair as if his last breath depends on it. I press my lips against his as the rain falls, erasing everything else in the world and making it feel like we’re the only two people who exist. When I feel his tongue push against my lips, I open my mouth to let him in and groan at the feeling of it. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him back inside the doorway to cover us from the downpour. He’s breathless as he pulls away and I can see his thoughts running around in his head. Still holding him close, I take my finger and run it down his nose.
