Page 83 of From the Ashes
I was wrong. He caught up to me in the corridor and hooked me by the waist. His ragged breathing warmed my forehead, and his hand braced against my hip. He lifted the other hand to my face and gently stroked his thumb across my cheek. He tracked its path with his dark, heated gaze.
The exquisite touch thrilled me, yet pained me at the same time. I wanted more of it, yet I wanted to shove him away from me. I wanted to wallow in his embrace, but I wanted to shout at him too. What was wrong with me? Why was I so conflicted? The choice should have been easy. Mere days ago, when he'd come for me at Inglemere, it had been easy. I'd been determined never to forgive him.
And now here I was, allowing him to tear my self-control to shreds and make a mess of my convictions.
He leaned in and I closed my eyes. He did not kiss me, however, but rested his forehead against mine. "Charlie," he whispered.
With enormous effort, I drew away from him, out of his reach. I forced myself to hold his gaze, but it wasn't easy with the confusion I saw there. I hated seeing him like that.
"You can't keep doing this, Lincoln," I said. "You can't keep changing your mind. You want me, then you don't want me, now you want me again. It's hell on my nerves."
"I never stopped wanting you. Never." He leaned back against the doorframe and dragged both hands through his hair. "But I convinced myself that I was better off without you, and that I was strong enough to push my feelings aside." He folded his arms high up on his chest, and tucked his hands away. "I was wrong."
I swallowed but the lump in my throat didn't move.
"Is there any chance…will you ever forgive me?" he murmured.
"I…I don't know. I think so, but it's not truly a matter of forgiving you. Not anymore. You see, I came to realize something while we were apart. It's not just that you sent me away, it's that I allowed you to do it."
"I don't understand."
"I allowed myself to be manipulated, and allowed you to make decisions about my fate. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point during our courtship, I stopped beingme. I don't want to lose myself, Lincoln. Nor do I want to be at your mercy again, or anyone else's."
"You won't be. The cottage will see that you always have somewhere to go. You had no choices before, now you do."
"Perhaps. I don't know. I haven't had time to think it through."
"Take as much time as you need. I'll be here."
I tried to smile but it felt flat. I walked away, but it wasn't easy. Every piece of my heart wanted to turn around and throw myself into his arms. But my head told me to keep walking, to not give in to whims, or I'd regret it.
I was no longer sure which part of me should rule.
Lady Vickers cleared her throat, startling me. "Oh," I said. "I didn't see you." I glanced back along the corridor, catching Lincoln watching. He stepped back into his rooms. "How long have you been there?"
"Long enough to see you two," she said. "Don't worry, I couldn't hear anything. But I have eyes. I know what's what."
I sighed. "Please, I'm not up to a lecture right now."
"That's unfortunate, because you need one."
I got the feeling there would be no escaping her. I suddenly had immense sympathy for Seth. "Will it take long?"
She scowled. "Enough of your lip, young lady."
I laughed, in spite of my mood. "You think that's lip? You ought to come with me to visit my old haunts. You'll see and hear things that would make your hair curl."
Her lips turned white and her nostrils flared. If she stamped her foot, she'd resemble a bull preparing to charge. "As the senior woman of the house, and someone who has experienced love, loss and everything in between, I thought to offer you some advice."
"I don't want any advice," I said walking off.
"That's too bad, because I'm giving it to you regardless." She trailed after me down the stairs. If I went to the kitchen, would she follow?
I headed to the sitting room instead where Seth and Gus sat, quietly talking. Lady Vickers wouldn't dare upbraid me in front of her son and one of the servants.
Once again, I was wrong. "How long are you going to punish him for sending you away?" At least she didn't waste time skirting the point.
"I'm not punishing him," I said breezily, sitting on the sofa. Both Gus and Seth gave us their full attention. It would seem they were as interested in my answers as Lady Vickers.
