Page 19 of Stirring Up Trouble
It was envy I’d been feeling. A longing, if you will, to be there with them. I just couldn’t ever see the setup in my own life since I’d always pursued women. I didn’t want to be their Daddy, nor did I want them to be mine. It created a disconnect for me. Made me believe I couldn’t have what I wanted.
Then came Blaze.
My reaction to him renewed the longing. It should have been a relief. I should have been excited at the possibilities my newfound bisexuality opened up.
Yet I wasn’t.
Happiness still eluded me over this since I had no clue if Blaze even liked me back. And even if he did, would he want to be my Daddy? Was that something he’d even consider?
Part of me figured the stoic man wouldn’t be involved in the kink community. He was too guarded. Too neutral with his emotions.
But there was a small part that saw his actions as focus. It saw his determination to make this rodeo better, to honor his family’s name, as an excellent example of being a good caregiver.
I’d been contemplating what to do about him all morning as I stalked through the rodeo to take care of my assigned tasks. My mind went back and forth over whether or not I should approach him. Would he be open to hearing me out? Or would he be disgusted and send me on my way? Was I going to make things awkward between everyone if I spoke up?
The risk felt high. I still didn’t have a good read on Blaze. He was too closed off for me to know.
“You ok, Robin?”
Elton’s voice startled me enough I shrieked. The clipboard in my hand fell to the ground as I pressed my hands to my chest to steady myself.
“Holy crap, E! You scared me.”
The other man blushed as he bent down to grab what I’d dropped. He handed it over and shook his head. “I’d been trying to get your attention in other ways, but you didn’t respond. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I know,” I replied, my voice soft after hearing the regret in his tone. “I’ve been in my head all morning. Sorry about that. What did you need?”
“It’s not that I need anything really. You just seemed sad or something. I don’t know. Figured maybe you’d want to talk.”
My eyes widened at his words. I didn’t realize my inner turmoil had come across on the outside.
“Talking… might be nice.”
Elton smiled. “Yes, it might be. Why don’t I walk with you, and you just say what you’re feeling? I’m a really good listener and secret keeper.”
It was the way he said the words. Almost like he knew what I’d be talking about before I even got started.
Were my feelings that obvious? Or was this simply because of how hypervigilant Elton always was?
I gave him a nod, then turned to move to check the next item off my list. We needed to get to the pens with the sheep to make sure they’d be ready for some mutton bustin’ later this afternoon. We had a dozen kids signed up to participate, and I refused to let anyone get hurt on my watch.
After we started moving, it was like the words flowed out. “I’m torn up about some things I’ve been thinking lately. These new feelings don’t really fit into the life I have now. And I’m not sure what happens if I pursue the path where I express everything I’m going through. It could be horrible.”
“Or it could be great,” Elton argued. “How will you know if you don’t go after what you want?”
“But this is different, E. I’m in uncharted waters. Like really dangerous, choppy, uncharted waters. I don’t have a life vest or anything with me.”
His laugh was bright. “Maybe not, but I think there’s a rescue team nearby that you just can’t see. And there’s probably someone else in those waters with you who could help you get to safety. Did you consider that part?”
“Um, no.” My heart raced at the suggestion behind his words.
“Maybe you should consider it. I’d be surprised if you were alone in these feelings.”
I bit my lip as I considered the other questions I wanted to ask. Elton and I weren’t as close as I’d become with some of the other Coleman Ranch men. It might be awkward for him to share this part of himself with me.
Then again, he did just take my lead with the whole water analogy thing. That has to mean something, right?
Putting my questions on hold, I checked over the sheep to make sure all was in order. Elton helped me once I explained what all to look for. Since there was a low probability of anything going wrong anyway, it didn’t take us long to have it all done.
