Page 72 of The Night Shift
And lastly, the biggest item to cross off the list with a leaking splodgy old marker pen: Gus. She had thought that letting her guard down– allowing herself to trust a charmer, relaxing her own rules– might have been a positive change, a force for good in her own life, allowing her to move forward into some sort of meaningful relationship. She’d been completely and utterly wrong. Dammit! What was the point in trying to be better when the universe just conspired against you at every turn? In her mind she crumpled up the now empty list of good things and slam-dunked it into the waste-paper basket (although even that failed and it bounced off the rim).
She made her way to the mess, knowing that she should probably head straight back down to the admissions unit but feeling as though the death of a patient justified at least five minutes of recovery time with a milky tea. As she dunked the teabag into her mug (once only) she was reminded of Gus’s phrase that very first night when he’d made her a drink. How he said he’d brutally whisked the teabag away to make it in exactly the way she’d specified. She smiled at the memory before bursting into fresh tears. Right from that moment he’d been so good to her. So kind, so funny, and so easy to be with. He didn’t mind her prickliness– like Dev, he seemed to actively enjoy it– but he also smoothed her out somehow, rounded off her sharp edges. He made her feel as though she could fit in, like a badly made jigsaw piece that just needed a little bit of love and attention, tidying up and sanding down, to help it sit more snugly inside the bigger picture.
‘Hey, Violet,’ a familiar voice called behind her and she turned to see Barney, an unreadable expression on his face. ‘Are you okay?’ He crossed the small kitchen and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. She could feel the weight of his palms through the cashmere of his jumper that she was still wearing.
She nodded and made a little positive murmur hoping to indicate that despite all outward appearances everything was okay, but he clearly wasn’t fooled.
‘It’s the second time this shift that I’ve found you in tears,’ he said in an admonishing tone. ‘And don’t try and tell me you got caught in another hailstorm. What’s happened?’
His voice seemed so warm and full of kindness, his expression so sincere, that Violet felt the relief of dropping her guard a fraction– letting go. She allowed herself to be drawn into Barney’s arms for what felt like a soothing and companionable hug, similar to the one she’d had with Marvin, just with fewer broken bones to navigate.
‘My patient,’ she said. ‘The one– you know– the man I asked you to clerk in again?’ She could feel him nodding, his chin near her ear.
‘The one you told me off about?’ His voice was tight for a moment but then he said, in a rush, ‘Quite rightly.’
‘Mr Zeller,’ she sniffed, her face resting near his shoulder. ‘He died.’
Barney was quiet for a moment. ‘Oh, Violet,’ he said eventually. ‘I’m really sorry. You were clearly quite attached to him.’
She nodded and pulled away slightly. He held her by the shoulders as he peered into her eyes. ‘Is it just that though?’ he said. ‘You seem really quite upset.’
Her lips crinkled together as she tried to smile and say,no, there’s nothing else going on, but she couldn’t lie. ‘It’s been a bit of a crappy night,’ she admitted. ‘For a variety of reasons.’
He continued to hold her and raised his eyebrows. ‘And those reasons are…?’
‘Somebody I cared about,’ she said. ‘Not a patient. Someone I really, really liked. And he– he doesn’t feel the same way.’ She gave a half-laugh, half-sob. ‘It’s all a bit basic really. I’m just a massive cliché. Falling for the bad boy. Except– he’s not really like that…’ Her eyes squeezed together again as the tears threatened to spill and Barney pulled her back into his chest.
‘Gus,’ he said, a statement of fact. ‘Oh, Violet.’ He sounded disappointed although she couldn’t tell whether this was directed at Gus or at her.
‘It was always just going to be a fling for him,’ he said after a while. ‘He was never going to give up the fiancée for a bit of fun at work. I’m really sorry to say it. I’m sorry to be so brutal.’
‘No, you’re right.’ Violet swallowed hard. ‘It’s what I need to hear. The brutal truth. I’m usually a big fan.’ She laughed sadly into Barney’s expensive shirt. She could feel the warmth of his shoulder against her cheek. It was nice but also a little bittoo much– it suddenly occurred to her that she barely knew this man. She wasn’t usually so cavalier with her personal space.
She made a tiny movement backwards and felt Barney’s arms tighten fractionally against her back. Nothing frightening, just a reminder of his proximity, more of a friendly squeeze than anything else. She didn’t want to cause offence by pushing him away. After all, she’d been the one to pour her heart out and he was only trying to comfort her. And she couldn’t afford to upset another colleague by misjudging a situation. She decided to tone down how upset she was, make light of it and extricate herself from the situation. She really had to get back to the wards anyway.
‘It’s okay,’ she said, trying to make her voice matter-of-fact. ‘I’m just being melodramatic. Overtired. I knew it was only a bit of fun. It was the same for me really. Nice while it lasted but I always knew it was just a short-term thing. More about the sex than anything else.’ She laughed self-consciously, suddenly aware that by mentioning the word sex she’d somehow made a mistake, changed the mood. Barney’s breath felt hot against her ear and his arms were definitely tighter now, one of his hands sliding down her back to her bottom.
‘There’s nothing wrong with a bit of workplace sex after all,’ he murmured. ‘Good for morale.’
She registered the change in his tone. She’d got this wrong, misled him. It was her error and she had to rectify it immediately. She moved her face away from his shoulder but he seemed to take this as an invitation and inclined his head towards her, bringing his lips to her cheek as his hands strayed further down her back, over the curve of her bottom, drawing her pelvis towards him.
‘Barney– I…’ She wasn’t sure what to say but her body had gone rigid. He didn’t seem to notice and his mouth continued its progress from her cheek to her lips. She could smell the stale coffee on his breath and went to turn her face away but somehow he managed to spin her around so her back was against the wall and now, no matter how far she twisted her neck she couldn’t get away from that roaming mouth. His lips clamped down on hers and when she tried to make a noise it only seemed to encourage him. He thrust his tongue in her mouth and at the same time slid one of his hands up the front of her body, his fingers poking roughly in the general direction of her breasts despite the fact that their bodies were pressed so tightly together that she could barely breathe. After what seemed like an eternity she managed to get her head at such an angle that she was able to sayNoand Barney pulled back a fraction.
‘No?’ he said, as if he’d never heard the word before. ‘Really?’ He looked incredulous that she might be turning him down. ‘I thought this was what you wanted?’
‘No– I’m– I’m sorry,’ she said. Her throat felt tight, her lips bruised and sore. ‘I didn’t– I’m not sure how I gave you that impression. I just want… to be friends.’
He looked unabashed. ‘Yes, same. I was thinking friends who like a little bit of action on the side. I’m not talking about anything serious.’ He shrugged. ‘Where’s the harm? You’re young, free and single. A good-looking girl. I can, you know, help you out, career-wise. Friends with benefits, isn’t that what it’s called?’ He smiled in a way that reminded Violet of Josh, the ex-boyfriend of her sixth-form days.
‘It’s not what I want, Barney,’ she said, her voice firm despite the fact that her nerves were jangling.
His expression changed in an instant. ‘Oh, come on,’ he said. ‘It’s exactly the set up you had with Gus Jovic. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. I can tell you find me attractive. True I don’t have the exotic cachet of our Eastern European friend, but I can be more useful to you than he would have been. And besides,’ he laughed mirthlessly, ‘hedefinitelydoesn’t want you anymore.’
She shook her head and tried to move sideways. Barney was still blocking her way, having only moved back an inch.
‘Idon’tfind you attractive,’ she said definitively. ‘You’ve been kind to me this evening and I’m grateful for that but let’s leave it there.’
His face curled into a sneer. ‘I don’t believe you,’ he said, his breath hot in her face. ‘Simple as that. Youlovescrewing around. You’re more than happy to let Jovic fuck you while you’re both supposed to be working. In fact you’ve got no scruples about keeping your kit on from what I’ve seen in the past few nights, flaunting your body, trying to seduce me earlier. Don’t think you can turn it on then off, then on again. That’s what prick-teases do.’ His voice had a hard edge now and she began to feel frightened, hoping that someone, anyone would return to the mess and break up this horrible situation she’d got herself into.
