Page 82 of The Night Shift
‘Gosh. That sounds traumatic.’ She folded her arms across her chest.
‘I know you’re pissed off,’ he said. ‘And you have every right to be. I was so busy trying to do the right thing, and generally being weak-willed and needy, that I ended up doing the wrong thing. I hurt you, which is unforgivable– and I also very nearly leapt straight back into a disastrous relationship just because it seemed like the easiest option.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You did.’
‘And I know you probably can’t forgive me. And I realise that this is probably some essential part of the Violet code of practice, and having failed the test I’m now relegated to a tiny, insignificant chapter in you history, but I had to see you. To let you know that I’ve been brave and decisive for a change. And that it was you who helped me get there. You made me realise that the path of least resistance isn’t necessarily the best one.’
‘I’m glad to hear you’ve got something positive out of the experience,’ she said, trying to make it sound like she didn’t really care.
‘Violet,’ he said, his voice cracking, his hands open. ‘Please– I– I don’t know how to explain this properly.’ He looked so earnest, shuffling about in the cold. She loved the way his expression and mannerisms were so easy for her to read. It was a real novelty to feel like she knew what someone else was thinking without having to break down the component parts of their body language and intonation. But she was still hurting. He might be easy to read but he had lied to her, successfully, and this made her mistrustful of her own reactions. She stayed silent, arms still folded across her chest. But she didn’t shut the door on him. There was a part of her that was curious to hear what he had to say, and a part of her that just wanted to see him and be around him again.
‘I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.’ His voice sounded a bit desperate now– or maybe it was just the cold; he did seem to be shivering slightly. ‘Just tell me. Can I– do I get a chance to make it up to you?’
‘Youliedto me,’ she said, aware that the hurt was now evident in her voice. ‘You said you were over her a few nights ago. You swore blind that was the case. But it wasn’t. You lied. Charming men always lie. Always, always,always.’
‘I thought I was telling the truth.’ He looked wretched but then took a deep breath. ‘No. That’s not right. I knew– there was a tiny part of me that doubted it but I couldn’t tell you about that doubt because I thought you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. It was wrong. It was selfish. I was an idiot.’
‘You were,’ she said. ‘Truth is the only thing that matters.’
‘And I guess,’ he said, taking another deep breath, ‘if I’m being really honest, there was a part of me that felt like maybe you didn’t want me, that you didn’t feel the same way I was feeling. I thought perhaps it was just a short-term thing for you. You said before that that’s how you tend to operate– nothing heavy. And I didn’t necessarily want anything heavy, but I wanted to mean more to you than the others had– it’s just my narcissistic side.’ He sighed and his breath clouded in the freezing air. ‘I’m not proud of this by the way, my neediness and clinginess and general lack of moral fibre. But in the spirit of full disclosure I’m telling you everything– warts and all. There’s nobody else I’d be this open with. These are parts of my personality that I don’t especially like. But as I’ve said before, there’s something about you that sends me into full confessional mode. You’re a bit like a therapist. Or a priest.’
She snorted a laugh in spite of herself.
‘And then,’ he continued, ‘when I spoke to Dev and Marvin just before I left the hospital, they made me think that perhaps I’d got it wrong– that maybe you did care for me and maybe I did mean more to you than…’ He shook his head. ‘Christ, I’m really screwing this up, aren’t I? Making it all about me. I’ve got to rein it in a bit. This is in absolute bloody shambles.’
‘It’s not one of your most polished performances,’ she said.
‘You’re not wrong.’ He took a deep breath. Tiny flakes of snow had begun to drift down from the inky sky, settling on his shoulders. ‘Okay. So here we are then,’ he said. ‘I’m going to give you the absolute definitive truth, the facts and figures. The hard evidence. And then you can make a decision. Will you let me do that?’
She nodded and uncrossed her arms to show him she was listening.
‘Point one,’ he said, his teeth chattering. ‘You’re like nobody I’ve ever met before– you’re funny and frank, you’re clever and decisive and loyal to a fault. You feel things deeply and you take things seriously. I adore that about you. Point two. You make me feel like I can be myself– or maybe even a better version of myself. I don’t have to pretend. And for someone who has spent much of his life pretending, that’s incredibly refreshing. Point three. You make me happy. You make me so happy. Subclause three B. Beingwithoutyou makes me utterly miserable, even when it’s only been twenty-four hours.’
She could feel the corners of her mouth turning up into a smile and wrestled with herself to keep her lips in a neutral line.
‘Point four. On a logarithmic scale whereyis how much I like you andxis how much time I spend with you, the growth curve would be exponential.’
‘I’m not sure that’s mathematically possible,’ she said, unable to stop herself.
‘It’s very complicated theoretical mathematics, Violet. Ask Marvin. Point five. You are happier when you’re with me. I’m sorry to show off, but you’re asking for facts and that’s a fact. Point six. I love you. Point seven. I think you love me– that’s less evidence-based and more a hunch, which isn’t quite so scientific but?—’
‘Okay,’ she said, interrupting him before he could reach the end of that thought. ‘You’ve made quite a compelling case– I’ve got to hand it to you. Lesser women would have succumbed by now.’ She watched his face fall, and briefly registered that this was one of those instances where description matched reality, Gus’s optimistic eyebrows and forehead really did seem to drop as he realised that a ‘but’ was coming. ‘But,’ she said, predictably. ‘I know you’re a charmer. Iknowthat you know how to win someone over, how to flatter their ego and appeal to their better nature. So, how do I know I can trust you now? How do I know that you won’t break my heart despite both your best intentions and your charming and flattering words?’
He now looked crestfallen– which was a less literal phrase although she thought it probably referred to chickens. Did cockerels have crests or was it geckos? Anyway, his face registered his disappointment before he spoke again.
‘I guess thereisn’ta way of proving it to you right now,’ he said, hands spread out by his sides. ‘If I come up with a convincing explanation then you’ll just think I’m saying what I want you to hear.’
She nodded. ‘It is quite the conundrum.’
‘But I could prove it to you over time,’ he said slowly. ‘Couldn’t I? If you gave me another chance– I couldshowyou that you can trust me. No fancy words. No complicated flattery. No charm. In fact, I promise to be utterly charmless…’
‘You don’t need to go that far,’ she said.
‘I promise you,’ he said, ‘that from this day forward, I’ll always be honest with you. If I have doubts, I’ll share them with you. If I’m not happy about something, I’ll tell you. If you ask me a question, I’ll answer it honestly– I’ll be as faithful to the truth as I will to you.’
‘I thought you said no fancy words? That sounded pretty fancy. Like a vow.’
‘Yeah. Well, it is sort of like a vow.’ He laid his palm to his chest, his expression completely serious. ‘I hereby solemnly swear that I, Gus Jovic, will abide by every rule in the Violet Winters code of conduct. At all times. Forsaking all others. For ever and ever. Amen.’
