Page 76 of The Night Shift
‘Thank you for your honesty and candour. Excellent qualities and very much to your credit. Now– let us say no more on the matter, hmmm? Run along and enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebrations. Perhaps save the romantic liaisons for the stroke of midnight– somewhere off site?’
‘Yes, Dr Corbishley. Thank you, Dr Corbishley.’ She folded the letters and tucked them into her bag.
‘Oh, and Violet?’
‘Yes?’
‘Happy New Year.’
* * *
Violet went to retrieve her bike from the stand contemplating everything that had happened since she’d parked it there the evening before. When she’d walked to Gus’s flat she’d been a mixture of hopeful expectation and anxiety. Worried about her job, nervous about the fact that she was falling for someone, excited that the someone seemed to be falling for her… How much had changed. She’d been unceremoniously dumped, her favourite patient had died, and she’d narrowly avoided sexual assault and blackmail. All that on top of twelve hours’ medical on-call. But astonishingly she felt stronger than ever. Her fears regarding her attitude to work, to colleagues and to patients, had turned to pride. And much of that she had to concede, was down to Gus. He had been the one to suggest how she could approach colleagues with more diplomacy, not backing down, but simply being polite and respectful of their feelings. He had been the one to instil her increasing confidence with practical procedures and to help her understand that it was okay to feel like a failure occasionally, that nobody became an expert in this job immediately, that it took practice. He had, as she’d realised earlier, allowed her to imagine a place where she could fit in– helped her to see her perceived weaknesses as strengths. Her honesty, hercandouras Dr Corbishley had put it, was anexcellent qualityit turned out. Who would have thought?
Thankful that she’d remembered her swimming stuff she cycled first to the lido. It wasn’t so much that she needed the narcotic effects of the cold to help her sleep, more that she wanted to clear her head. To reset. It had the desired effect, and after twenty lengths she emerged refreshed and invigorated. Back in the changing rooms the older woman who had talked about her grandchildren was wrestling on her neoprene boots with her usual vigour. They exchanged hellos.
‘Not here with the handsome fella today then,’ the woman said conversationally.
‘No.’ Violet pulled her towel out of her bag and began a brisk rub down. ‘I don’t think he’ll be coming here again. Not with me at least.’
The woman eyed her shrewdly and then nodded. ‘I see,’ she said. ‘Well, it’s not for everyone.’ She crossed the floor of the changing room and gave Violet an awkward little pat on the shoulder on her way out to the pool. ‘There will always be other people to swim with, dear.’
Gus
Before Gus left the hospital that morning he went to go and visit Marvin. He knew he couldn’t be the one to make sure Violet was okay, but neither could he leave without ensuring that someone was keeping an eye on her. She’d been through so many dramas in the past few hours, much of it related to him. He arrived on the ward at the same time as Dev who had come ostensibly to help Marvin pack but in reality to ensure that he knew all the post-operative recovery and rehabilitation detail so that he could fully embrace the role of bossy home nurse.
It was immediately clear that Dev had not spoken to Violet since she had left home full of the joys of love the previous evening, because he greeted Gus with an enormous beaming smile and a pat on the back. It was also obvious that Marvinhadseen Violet and knew the full story, because the nervous look he gave them both as they arrived on the ward together was one of tense anticipation, waiting for the inevitable fireworks and desperately hoping they might be averted.
Gus made a few superficial enquiries into the state of Marvin’s health and then cut to the chase. He was a lot better at leading with the unvarnished truth now, ironically thanks to Violet’s impact on him. He told both men that he was worried about her and went on to explain why, seeing himself going down in Dev’s estimation the longer he spoke.
‘I just wanted to make sure someone was looking out for her today,’ he said eventually. ‘She’s had a rough night, and not just because of me; her favourite patient died and she was worried she’d let him down, and then she had to deal with some dodgy incident with one of the surgeons. I’m not sure what happened but he ended up in a big heap on the floor and I think, judging from the conversation I had with him subsequently, he might have been– uhm– making unwanted advances.’
‘Jesus,’ said Dev, obviously livid. ‘Sounds like, between you, you’ve done your utmost to make her as miserable as possible.’
Gus nodded sadly. There was no use in trying to defend himself in Dev’s eyes. He had no defence. ‘I know that usually she can take care of herself and that she doesn’t really need anyone,’ he said. ‘But I also know I’d feel better if you were keeping an eye on her.’
‘I’ll always keep an eye out for Violet,’ Dev was bristling now. ‘Not because you’ve asked me to but because I love her.’ He stabbed a finger in Gus’s direction. ‘Butyoushould know, that out of those three things you’ve mentioned, the one she’ll be most devastated about is you.’
Gus hung his head. He wasn’t sure that he believed Dev– Violet hadn’t seemed particularly distraught about losing him, the death of Mr Zeller was what had really got to her– but he wasn’t in a position to correct Violet’s best friend. Besides, Dev wasn’t finished.
‘She really liked you,’ he said, his tone combative. ‘I’ve not seen her like that before. Even at the start of the week, before anything had actually happened, it was obvious.’
Marvin chipped in. ‘Sorry, Gus, but it’s true– she feels things deeply, Violet. And she was quite taken with you. It’s going to take her a while to get over it. I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. She knows it too. But she also thinks you lied and that is abigno for Violet.’
‘I always knew she’d fall hard,’ said Dev sadly, almost talking to himself now. ‘She’s not like me, imagining I’m in love with every dickhead that comes along.’ He turned to Marvin. ‘Sorry, handsome– no offence.’
‘None taken,’ said Marvin.
‘She’s never let her guard down like that before. I’ve known her alongtime and she’s always kept herself a little bit removed.’ Dev shook his head. ‘It’s a real shame. Because this’—he pointed to Gus—'this will just reinforce all of those protective barriers. Shereallyliked you.’ He turned his back on Gus both literally and figuratively.
‘Well.’ Gus felt even more wretched and wondered why he had followed the masochistic impulse to come up here in the first place. ‘I’ve got to head off.’
‘Back to the fiancée,’ said Dev over his shoulder. ‘Run along then.’
‘Dev!’ Marvin’s tone was admonishing. ‘Sorry,’ he mouthed over his boyfriend’s shoulder. ‘Thank you for looking after me,’ he said to Gus. ‘And sorry this couldn’t end on a slightly happier note. But you have broken the heart of our very favourite girl.’ He shrugged as much as his ribs would allow and Gus backed out of the room, cross with himself for being close to tears. He deserved their approbation– it wasn’t personal, but it felt it. In a different world he might have been welcomed into the inner sanctum of Violet’s best friends. He might have been helping Marvin settle in at home, cooking everyone a meal, or more likely jostling with Dev over who had priority in the kitchen, taking Violet out for a drink to celebrate the end of their night shifts, welcoming in the New Year with her in his arms.
Instead he’d be dealing with Amelia. Trying to soothe her, reassure her and make her feel wanted. They might go out, maybe just the two of them, or if she felt confident enough, with some of her friends. She’d have too much to drink, he’d be tired and unable to explain to her yet again that night shifts made you feel wrung-out in a surprisingly unique way. She’d start accusing him of eyeing up other women, forgetting the fact thatshewas the one who’d run off with someone else. If he brought this hypocrisy to her attention, she’d end up silently fuming and he’d have to deal with the fallout at home where they’d have a long emotionally exhausting discussion that would ultimately be futile. They’d both realise they were getting nowhere and eventually, with no other obvious way out of the impasse they’d either go back to their respective bedrooms and lie awake staring at the ceiling for hours before slipping into a fitful, unsatisfying sleep, or they’d fall into bed with each other and have resentful sex that felt more like punishment.
He had spent so long wanting Amelia back that it felt odd to now be thinking of her return in such negative terms. She needed him to be dependable, reliable, the kind, considerate Gus she’d known for years. But was he still that man? Had he been truly happy in that role? Always putting his needs second. He was again reminded of Violet’s parting words to him in the surgeon’s coffee room. ‘Even you can’t make everyone happy this time, Gus. So don’t bother trying.’ She was right. He certainly hadn’t made her happy. He might make Amelia happy if he welcomed her back with open arms, but wouldhebe happy? Maybe that was something he should be factoring into this particular equation– his own happiness. Maybe if he couldn’t have Violet he could at least act on her advice. He realised that in the space of only a week she had taught him a valuable lesson, one that he’d been waiting thirty years to learn. Maybe this time he had to do what was right for him.
