Page 69 of The Night Shift
She looked down at the floor, scuffing the lino with her toe. ‘But instead, he gave me the impression that he was starting to see the split as a good thing– that he’d become aware of issues in their relationship. He lied to my face. And, what’s worse, is that he dressed that lie up as the God’s honest truth.’ She looked back up at Marv. ‘And I totally fell for it.’
‘Maybe he didn’t mean to mislead you? Maybe he really thought he was over Amelia?’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘He’s clever. He’s used to maintaining a façade, being convincing. He’s a charmer. Anjali warned me at the start of the week. It’s just his manner, she said. He can’t help it.’ She kicked her foot a little more firmly into the floor. ‘I should have listened to her.’
* * *
Marvin advised her that whenever he had been heartbroken in the past it had helped him to think in terms oftaking back control(although not in aBrexittype way, he’d been quick to clarify). It didn’t matter what form this took, just that it was important when a big decision had been taken out of your hands to feel there were still aspects of your life you had some say in. Thinking on this, Violet made her way to ward twelve for handover and started making a list in her head. She would begin with her career. There were bridges she needed to build and she also had to get her story straight before she spoke to Dr Corbishley. Whatever else happened this week she could not lose her job as well as the man she loved– especially not within the same twenty-four hours– that would be disproportionately shit.
She would also speak to her parents. Come clean about her feelings of failure. She wouldn’t necessarily admit to opting into the week of nights specifically to avoid them over Christmas, even she could see this was a bit brutal, but she needed to stop lying to them about how well things were going at work– she wasn’t a people person, and if they were hoping that she’d follow in their footsteps, beloved by her patients and happily married to someone who adored her, then they were wrong on both counts. She wasn’t capable of inspiring devotion in either her working life or her personal life. The sooner they knew this, the sooner she could stop living a lie and the sooner she’d stop being a massive hypocrite for despising liars in general when she was one herself.
Part one of her plan began almost as soon as she arrived on twelve. The nurse she’d upset on Christmas Eve was working the night shift again. She knew this nurse wasn’t the one who’d complained about her– from what Anjali had said, the two complaints had been logged well in advance of their falling out about medication– but she also knew that she had upset this particular individual and right now she had to deal with known quantities. She tried to put together the little skills she’d picked up from Gus over the course of the week, after all, if she couldn’t have him then maybe she could be a bit more like him– turn the episode into a learning experience instead. Every day’s a school day as Dev often said.
She found the nurse in question and had a discreet look at her name badge.
‘Sorry to bother you Jackie,’ she said. ‘I was wondering if I could have a word when you’re free?’
Jackie gave her a suspicious look. ‘I’m just finishing with this patient, Dr Winters,’ she said, her voice polite but cold. ‘I’ll be with you as soon as I can.’
‘Of course.’ Violet gave her a big smile. ‘Take your time.’
When Jackie had finished checking Mr Norman’s obs she returned to the nurses’ station.
‘You wanted a word?’ she said. She still looked tight-lipped but Violet wondered whether there was a note of anxiety in her voice as well– it was hard to decipher underneath the combative tone but maybe Jackie’s previous experience of Violet ‘having a word’ had been a deeply unpleasant one. Time for humble pie.
‘I wanted to apologise,’ said Violet. ‘For how I spoke to you last Monday.’
‘Oh!’ Clearly whatever Jackie had been expecting it wasn’t this.
‘It was my first night shift,’ continued Violet. ‘I was really nervous.’
Jackie nodded. ‘I didn’t realise.’
‘And I’m sometimes a bit rubbish at– uhm– knowing what to say and how to say it?’ Violet stared down at her feet. She didn’t like admitting this stuff out loud. ‘But it’s still no excuse for speaking to you in the way that I did,’ she said, looking back up. ‘Not when you were asking me a reasonable question.’
Jackie’s lips were pursed again. ‘Well, I was only concerned about my patient,’ she said, her tone now a little self-righteous.
Violet was tempted to say,so was I, but bit back the retort. ‘Just to be clear,’ she said, unwilling to capitulate completely, ‘I didn’t think that writing him up for a diuretic was therightoption, and I still don’t. But I was wrong to be so dismissive of your suggestion– and to make you feel as though maybe you couldn’t approach me with similar concerns in future.’ Was this an appropriate phrase? Had she got the tone right? She watched Jackie’s face carefully for clues.
Jackie was evidently mulling it over. ‘Yes– I mean you do have a bit of an intimidating reputation,’ she said eventually.
‘Really?’ Violet was astonished to hear this. ‘I’d assumed it was obvious to most people I was hopelessly out of my depth.’
Jackie laughed. ‘Well, yes, that as well. It’s how most of you start off though, isn’t it. Straight from medical school, horrific imposter syndrome and terrified that someone’s going to call you out on everything you don’t know.’ She smiled suddenly and her face changed. ‘Whereas most of the nursing team have seen this all before and know exactly how you’re feeling. We usually just want to help.’
‘I appreciate that,’ said Violet seriously.
‘It would be useful,’ said Jackie, ‘if more foundation doctors acted the way you are now. Being honest with your colleagues. Admitting when you’re out of your depth and apologising if you’ve been a bit–heavy-handed?’
Violet wasn’t sure what to say to that. It was beginning to feel as though she’d walked into another telling-off. But then Jackie’s expression changed again– really, it was exhausting keeping up with the twists and turns of people’s thoughts during a single conversation.
‘To be honest though,’ Jackie said, ‘you were absolutely right about the diuretic. I asked the senior staff nurse about it and she said it would have been a disaster with his kidney function as it was.’
Violet nodded, feeling vindicated but also relieved that the conversation appeared to still be going in the right direction. ‘Did she say it in a slightly nicer way than I did?’ she asked, curious as to how this senior staff nurse had managed to voice the same concerns without causing offence, resentment or umbrage.
Jackie chuckled. ‘A bit, yeah. Anyway…’ Her face broke into a wide smile and she reached out and patted Violet on the arm. ‘Thank you for apologising,’ she said. ‘It takes balls to do that.’
‘Breasts and a cervix actually,’ said Violet. ‘The ones with balls seem to be pretty bad at apologising for anything.’
