Page 32 of The Night Shift
He grinned at the idea of Violet sat amongst a group of octogenarians, all of them happily shouting out inappropriate comments. ‘Maybe I should come with you,’ he said. ‘I’m always terrified of causing offence, I don’t really know why. It makes life a bit stressful sometimes. Might be quite relaxing to not have to worry about it.’
‘You totally should meet my gran.’ She laughed and her face lit up, the flames from the wood-burner reflected in her eyes. ‘But, seriously, the whole “keeping people happy” thing, it seems to come quite naturally to you.’
He shrugged. ‘It’s harder work than it looks sometimes,’ he admitted. ‘And doesn’t always have the positive effect you imagine. I think some people find my passivity unspeakably irritating after a while.’
Violet’s mouth formed a little ‘oh’ shape as she processed this. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You mentioned that your being a pleaser had been labelled a “massive failing”. Although that sounds like someone actively trying to look for flaws if you ask me.’
He gave a small smile of recognition. ‘You might be right there. I think she was trying to find excuses to break up with me.’
‘Ahh, I see. Ex-girlfriend?’
‘Ex-fiancée.’ There. He’d said it. He wondered whether this was the first time he had actually referred to Amelia as an ex.
‘Oh!’ Violet sounded surprised– there was something else in her voice too but Gus wasn’t sure what it was.
‘Right.’ Her eyes searched his face keenly for a moment before returning to her hot chocolate and giving it a thoughtful swirl with her spoon. ‘Did she leave you?’
He spluttered a bit on his drink. Violet really did get straight to the point.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Was that a bit blunt?’
‘No, it’s not that, just I think I might have burned my tongue.’ He righted himself. ‘Yes.’ Slow breath out. ‘She left me. Three months ago. I haven’t told anyone.’
‘What,nobody?’
‘Not really. Except you.’
‘Why?’
‘Mainly because I didn’t want to tell my family, I suppose. And it’s not like you can tell friends or colleagues something like thatbeforeyou tell your family. To be honest, the situation hasn’t really arisen where I’ve had to say anything. I’ve been to go and see Mum a couple of times but my rota’s always been erratic– I just pop in when I can. Amelia and I were never the kind of couple who went on formal visits to the potential in-laws together so Mum hasn’t noticed her absence– and we had separate groups of friends really, at least, we did when we met. I’ve lost touch with some of mine since we’ve been together and I guess I just haven’t got around to rebuilding those relationships yet. There’s a mate of mine, Vinnie, he moved to Australia after F1. We keep in touch. He knows. But that’s about it.’ Now he thought about it, this seemed a sad state of affairs. Why hadn’t he talked to anyone about the split? And whathadhappened to all his friends? Violet was going to think he was pretty tragic.
‘So, you’ve just been sort of lying by omission to everyone else?’ She looked almost disappointed, and he felt an urge to explain himself better, for both their sakes.
‘I guess I thought that if I didn’t say it out loud maybe it wasn’t actually happening. Like, if everyone else thought my life was ticking along fine then maybe it was. You know, the old,if a tree falls in the middle of a forest and nobody sees it then has it actually fallenthing.’
Now she looked confused. ‘And you’re the tree?’
He laughed in spite of himself. ‘Sort of.’
Violet mulled this over for a moment. ‘So why tell me?’ she said eventually.
‘Because it’s probably about time I was honest. That and the fact that nobody else has asked me the question so directly.’
She nodded. ‘I am quite direct,’ she said, and he snorted another unexpected laugh through his nose.
‘You really bloody are,’ he said. ‘And I think maybe you’re right, you might have missed your calling. Gestapo officer or Spanish inquisition would suit you better. You’d have been great at interrogating people.’
Violet raised her eyebrows, and he wasn’t sure for a moment whether he’d offended her. ‘You didn’t need much interrogation, to be fair,’ she said. ‘I literally asked one question. I’d say you were pretty ready to spill those beans.’
He looked at the table, suddenly a bit overwhelmed. ‘I didn’t think I was ready,’ he said quietly. ‘But maybe you’re right. Maybe I needed to just say it out loud. She left me. The girl I was going to marry. She decided she didn’t want me for a husband. Or a boyfriend– as it turns out.’
‘Hmmm.’ Violet gave him an enquiring look. ‘D’you feel better for having shared it?’
He stared into his mug. ‘Not really.’
She nodded as if he’d confirmed her suspicions. ‘It’s rubbish, isn’t it? Talking about stuff doesn’t generally make me feel better either. I don’t know where we got this idea from, a problem shared is a problem halved, and what have you. The problem is still there– doesn’t matter who else knows about it.’
‘Hmmm.’ He shrugged, feeling a lump forming in his throat. This really was the first time he’d said it out loud, the first time he’d fully admitted that Amelia had left him.
