Page 31 of The Night Shift
‘Right,’ he said, pushing his chair back and pretending to pull on his coat. ‘I’m really intimidated now you’ve said that. I’m leaving.’
She laughed. ‘You’ve seen enough of my incompetence on the wards over the past few nights for me to know that you’re definitely lying.’
He pulled a face at her as he settled back in his chair. ‘Don’t be silly, Violet. You’re very competent. When you’re not falling over or crashing into people in corridors.’
She smiled but shook her head emphatically. ‘I’m really not,’ she said. ‘And you know me well enough to be certain I’m not fishing for compliments here. I’m not doing an “oh, I’m so rubbish”, so that you’ll say, “no, you’re brilliant.”The fact is, being clever isn’t enough to make you good at this job. I just didn’t realise it until I started working.’ Her voice was matter of fact. ‘I loved medical school. I loved the science; I could see the logic of it all. And I enjoyed clinical cases as a theoretical prospect. You know, I was interested in how disease manifests itself, but as I said yesterday– I’m not so good with real-life living, breathing patients. I can’t work out what they want from me, what they want to hear. I never seem to get it right.’ She took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked thoughtful.
‘And another thing,’ she said. ‘I just wish people would say what they mean. Female patients in particular. All the euphemisms and ridiculous language around perfectly normal functional parts of human anatomy. Grown women saying things like “I’ve got an itchynoo noo,” or “there’s pain in myminnie”– I mean what the hell? And “down below”just sounds ominous. I wish people would stick to the right words’—she hit her hand to emphasise each one—'vagina, vulva, labia, clitoris.’
Gus reached for his phone ‘Would you mind just saying that again,’ he said, ‘I might use it as my ring tone.’
She laughed, picturing the scene of Gus’s phone going off in a crowded place with her voice listing female body parts to an audience of strangers, and then she sighed. ‘It’s not just the speaking to people that’s frustrating,’ she said. ‘I’m crap at procedures too. I’m fairly malcoordinated at the best of times but combine physical clumsiness with social clumsiness and…’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, reaching across the table to take her hand in his. His palm was warm from holding his mug and the feel of his fingers on her skin had a peculiar fluttery effect on her stomach that was probably unrelated to the Chelsea bun she’d just eaten.
‘I’m sorry you feel like that,’ he continued, clearly oblivious of the effect he was having on her; the sensation of his hand on hers was most distracting. ‘Have you talked to anyone else about it? Anjali? Dev? Your parents?’
She shook her head. ‘God, no way,’ she said. ‘My parents? They’d be devastated. That’s the reason I didn’t go home for Christmas. I couldn’t cope with having to pretend, while obviously knowing I’m so bad at pretending that they’d immediately be able to work out the truth and be horribly disappointed. And then, because they’re so kind, they’d be falling over themselves to not show me how disappointed they were and…’
‘So, being on nights worked out pretty well for you then?’ He looked thoughtful.
Violet decided she had gone so far down this path that there was no turning back. ‘I chose to do nights,’ she said baldly. ‘How bloody tragic is that? Ichoseto do a whole week of nights, in a job that I don’t really like, just so I could avoid my family this Christmas.’ She shook her head in disbelief at her own ridiculousness.
‘Not as tragic as you might think,’ said Gus. He had an odd expression on his face. One that she couldn’t read. There was a brief period of silence and he looked to be lost in his own thoughts– likely thoughts along the lines ofwho is this absolute loser I’m sat with and how quickly can I escape her, Violet thought gloomily.
Eventually he spoke again. ‘Look,’ he said, squeezing her hand before he pulled his own away. ‘You can’t judge your abilities as a doctor based on the foundation year. It’s more a matter of survival at the moment.’
Violet nodded, trying not to look too distressed by the fact that he was no longer holding her hand. She flexed her fingers against the table as if keen to demonstrate that they’d missed their freedom.
‘Of course, you can’t establish a rapport with most of your patients,’ he continued. ‘Most junior doctors can’t. You don’t have the time and you don’t have the luxury of regular clinic reviews where you get to know them over a period of months. There’s no gap in your schedule, you’re crazy busy the whole bloody time and patients just become a list of problems on your to-do list. Yes?’
She nodded again. That was exactly how she felt.
‘You can’t be expected to engage on an emotional level with the hundreds of people who pass through the doors of medical admissions. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Give it a bit of time and if you do decide that a patient-facing role really isn’t for you then there are countless other branches of medicine where you’re not so exposed. Research, pathology, radiology, forensics– you’d be bloody good at that. Any of those specialties make for really fulfilling careers and you’d still be’—he put his hands into inverted commas—‘“helping people”.’
They both sat quietly for a moment, Gus watching her face carefully and Violet deep in thought. It was nice that he’d not dismissed her concerns. Often If you admitted a failing to people they would try and minimise or deny its existence, but Gus had acknowledged that her worries were real and had given her practical advice about how to deal with them. She wondered whether she could tell him about the complaints from her colleagues. They were still weighing heavily on her mind but perhaps she’d already talked too much about her shortcomings. Gus was clearly someone who’d never had a complaint made against him. She couldn’t imagine anyone finding him awkward to work with or accusing him of being patronising or rude, and he might think badly of her if he heard what people had said. She didn’t want him to think she was even more of a basket case than he already did.
‘You make some excellent points, Dr Jovic,’ she said instead. ‘Top career advice. Really, you’ve made me feel a lot better.’
‘Good.’ Gus looked pleased with himself. ‘Any time.’ He gestured towards his empty mug. ‘Have we got time for another do you think?’
Violet glanced at her watch. The morning was speeding past and the fatigue was catching up with her but she didn’t want to leave yet. ‘Maybe just a quick one,’ she said. ‘It’s important that we warm up properly anyway– might be dangerous to go back outside just yet.’
‘Absolutely,’ said Gus. ‘Safety first.’ He moved his chair back from the table and gave her one of his wide, warm smiles. ‘Another hot chocolate coming up.’
Gus
When he returned to the table with their second round of drinks Violet was looking at her phone. He watched her for a moment, her head bowed in concentration, a tiny frown hovering across the bridge of her nose. Her hair had dried in tufts, pointing erratically in every direction. She looked pleasingly dishevelled.
‘My mum’s just messaged me,’ she said. ‘About Gran. I’d better just…’ She tapped out a quick reply and put her phone back in her pocket.
He raised his eyebrows in a question.
‘It’s nothing,’ she said. ‘All fine.’
‘Do you visit her a lot– your gran?’ He knew he had to be careful. Clearly the topic of her grandmother was one she was sensitive and fiercely protective about. The last, and only, time he’d mentioned her Violet had literally run off, knocking a box of chocolates off the table in her haste to get away. This time, he noted with relief, she looked quite happy to stay put.
‘I do.’ She nodded. ‘Bizarrely I quite like going to the nursing home. Most of the residents have some form of cognitive impairment and I’m a lot better around people I can’t easily offend.’
