Page 81 of Desired for Her Blood
“Are you okay?” I ask, softly.
He turns quickly. “Me?” His expression is full of wonder. “Why should I not be well? It is you who has suffered.”
Reaching up to cup his cheek, I shake my head. “I’m fine. But you…watching us…the three of us…having sex. That can’t have been easy for you.”
As far as I can tell, he was standing here the entire time, smashing his head against the rock for part of it. My heart feels broken and full of shame that I didn’t come over sooner to get him, or stop him from hurting himself.
Zuben was the man I wanted after I awoke—it was his blood in my system—and I can’t believe I let the sex between me, Ryker and Axe go on for so long, right in front of him. That must be why he hit his head on the wall.
“You’d have been welcome to join us. I hope you know that.” Welcomed by me, at least, and I feel confident that the men would have agreed.
“I do not deserve such a privilege. Not ever.” He takes a breath and his back rises and falls under my hand. He’s trembling.
“Why would you say that?” I turn to lean against the stone that he’s facing, wishing I understood the depth of his pain or how to soothe it.
I’d offer him sex, but even if I could get him to agree, I suspect that distraction would be a band aid at best, and might even add salt to his wounds.
“There are myriad reasons why I do not deserve to enjoy your company.” Zuben turns and leans his back on the wall beside me.
My fingers itch to touch his, to make some kind of connection that might draw him out of his despair. But he’s so distant right now that I don’t want to risk it.
“A myriad is a lot. Can you give meoneof the reasons?” My finger grazes his and he inhales sharply.
“The simplest reason is that Ryker and Axe both love you, and I do not.”
My stomach tightens like he struck a blow, but I smile softly, trying to mask the deep hurt. Hurt I don’t fully understand.
“Isthatwhy you seem so detached when we’ve—” I shift closer. “Do you prefer sex when you’re in love?”
“Quite the opposite.” Zuben drops to a crouch, head in his hands, and I drop too, leaning back against the stone and placing my hand on his shoulder.
Zuben has told me a bit about his past… I know he told Ryker more, but even with the little I know, his answer breaks my heart. “Was it difficult to watch us? To feel excluded?”
Without raising his head, he shakes it.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“It is complicated.”
“I’d like to understand.”
His fingers dig into the flesh on his legs, his nails drawing blood.
I touch one of his hands. “Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself. Please.”
His hands shift to the top of his head.
“It’s okay if you don’t love me.” I struggle to think of ways to help him open up. “I care about you, a lot. You’ve done so much for me, and even if what we have between us isn’t love…I know that you care about me. I can tell.”
His shoulders jerk up and down, and he doesn’t deny what I said.
“If it wasn’t seeing us having sex, then why are you so upset?”
He stands sharply, and I follow suit.
“I am not upset.” He turns toward me.
“But you are.” I stroke his arm, and his eyes flutter shut. For a man who claims not to care about me, he certainly reacts strongly.
