Page 78 of The Sea-Mist Cottage Inn
“Yeah, I did. He was good to me. But the marriage I thought I had turned out to be at least partly a façade. There was so much I didn’t know about how our life worked—or didn’t work—because he wanted to handle everything. Where I thought he was protecting me, really he was controlling me. Where I thought he was taking care of his family, really he was putting our future at risk. I think hewantedto protect us, to take care of us, I think he thought he was doing that. I think he was probably terrified when things started to go wrong, and he felt he had to deal with it alone. But I let myself get swallowed up in his life, and when his life was over, he’d left us with nothing but the rubble of broken promises and empty dreams.”
Erin stared at me. “Shit, that was fucking poetic. You should have kept writing, Lennie.”
“Roman isn’t like that, Len,” Jessie said with uncharacteristic quiet. “We can both vouch, but you know him, too. Maybe better than us now. And we’ve seen you two together. Especially in these past couple of weeks, since the flood. He’s not one to thinkhe has to do everything—he’s supportive, not controlling. He’s not one to pretend things aren’t what they are. Unless we’re not seeing something you see. He and Carla were partners in everything. Do you feel like a partner with him?”
I did feel like a partner with Roman. I think maybe that was what scared me more than anything; I didn’t disagree with anything my friends were saying. Roman was always understanding, always gentle, never mad enough to yell. He was supportive. And he was also hot.
He took me as I came—and I was no longer in the business of trying to be whoever the person I was with would like best, so Roman took me, Leo, as I came, doomsday scenarios and prickly suspicions included. He was everything I wanted or needed in a partner. And he made me feel—made meknow—I was everything he wanted or need in a partner as well.
From the start, he’d treated Wyatt like a son without ever crossing a boundary that would have made me or my son uncomfortable with that. He was not trying to supplant Micah; he was simply being the man Wyatt—and I—needed him to be.
But there was something, a worry, I had. I wanted to suppress it, and I usually tried, but I thought it was also valid.
“I do feel like a partner with him,” I told my friends. “But ... I worry ...” I was surprised at how hard it was to put into words for an audience. “Is it significant that Wyatt and I kind of fit the hole in his family?”
Jessie and Erin both stared at me with the same wide-eyed expression. I couldn’t tell if it was shock because they’d never thought about it or because it was a shitty thing to think.
“Am I an asshole for wondering that?”
Erin answered, glancing at Jessie before she sat forward to focus on me. “You’re worried that he wants to replace Carla and Gabriel with you and Wyatt?” I offered a sheepish shrug, and she sat back. “Yeah, you’re an asshole for wondering that.”
I took that hit quietly, but Jessie came to my defense.
“No, NTA. I get why it would occur to you. Wyatt’s pretty close to the age Gabriel was when he died, and not all that much younger than Gabriel would be if he hadn’t, so ... I get it. And yeah, Roman is the kind of man who’s happiest as a partner and father. But Lennie, no. Roman isn’t with you because he wants to have his wife and child back. He’s with you for you. He cares about Wyatt because of Wyatt. I think it’s more that he’s ready for that in his life again. He’s missed being a father and a partner, and he’s glad he’s found a chance to have both again. But that’s not replacing what he had—that’s appreciating the chance to have it again. Does that make sense?”
It did make sense. It wasn’t all that different from my feelings about mourning the loss of Micah while falling in love with Roman. And I absolutely was in love with him. I thought Wyatt was, too.
“That makes perfect sense—and it sorts it out in my head, so thank you. But I gotta ask: why are you both pushing this so hard? It’s like back in school, when Jeremy Saunders begged Jessie to make his case for Erin. Are you playing Cyrano again, Jess?”
“Oh mygod, Jeremy Saunders!” Erin yelled dramatically. “What a fuckin’ dweeb. Whatever happened to that pencil neck?”
Holding her wine glass aloft, with her wrist in a twist like an old Hollywood star, Jessie smirked and said, “He runs a big medical technology company in San Jose. He’s a billionaire now.”
The group laugh that rose then had a touch of a groan in it.
“Damn,” Erin muttered.
“Missed your chance, Er,” I said with a wink.
“I don’t think kissing those floppy, chapped lips would have been worth even a billion dollars. I’m better off right here.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” I pointed out. “Why’re you both so invested in my love life?”
“Because we love you,” Jessie said, while Erin only shrugged. “We want you happy—and we want you happyhere. And we love Roman, too. He hasn’t been interested in anybody since Carla and Gabriel died. He’s been different since then, too. He didn’t turn into a snarly asshole, but he withdrew. A lot of his shine dimmed. Since you and he started up, he’s been full-wattage Roman again. So yeah, speaking for me, I’m invested. And I don’t want you fucking something good up because you’re scared what could happen.”
“Again,” Erin muttered.
I turned to face her directly. “Something you want to say?”
She waved me off. “Sorry. I’ve said what I need to say. That just slipped out.”
“Because you’re thinking it,” I insisted. “So you must have more to say.”
“I don’t, Lennie. I said my bit. You know I was big mad about the way you left. I still think it was shitty, and you know that, too. But I also get it now, and I forgive you. It’s just a process, shoveling all that gunk out of my head, okay?”
I took the time to finish my wine before I answered. In that time, I remembered how worried I was about the reaction of people from my past to my return. I’d believed I deserved the hate and scorn I’d expected. Instead, I was almost entirely welcomed home, a prodigal daughter. Only Erin, one of the few people I had truly hurt by leaving as I had, showed me anger.
The welcome I’d gotten from the town as a whole had apparently dulled the memory of my own shame, but Ihadbeen shitty to these two friends by disappearing without a word. I didn’t deserve Erin’s forgiveness, but she’d given it anyway. She deserved time to process it in her way.
