Page 88 of The Breaking Pointe
“It’s called masking,” I say, wiping my mouth with a nap- kin, “Y’know, like a cover up. Now how about considering that maybe I’m just happy to see my kid brother?” I smile, trying to soften the tension.
“How do I know you aren’t pretending for the sake of me? That’s stupid.” He continues to keep a straight face.
My smile crumbles into nothing.
“I’m not pretending for you, Sherlock.I actually care. That’s why we’re both sitting here,” I say, watching him unwrap his sandwich enough to eat more of it, finally.
He takes a bite as I take a sip of my drink.
“And maybe it’s stupid, but it feels pretty damn good to fake the funk until it becomes real, sometimes.It’s like keeping a positive outlook.Something you should think about, Steven,” I add, leaning back in my seat.
“Pretending doesn’t make it a reality, Colton.Whoever told you that is full of shit,” he snorts.
“Mom told me that,” I say serenely.
His merriment subsides as he looks at me, blankly.
“So,let’ssay,insomecases,maybeyou’retheonethat’s
right, Steve. I’ll give you that. As long as you know this.” I continue to speak, leaning on the table now. “There always comes a day when you’ll forget about why you were upset to begin with.Even if that feeling lasts for a short while, it’s just enough to enjoy the little things in life.”
He looks down, showing that maybe I’ve reached a vulner- able nerve.
“Steven, I don’t wanna see you miss out on what life has to offer because you’re consumed in Mom being sick and holding these different grudges.”
The guilt is transferring over to me now.Those words could be directed at the both of us, in all honesty.
“Bothofmyparentsaregonnabegone.HowamI supposed to be okay with that?How are you okay with that?” “IneversaidthatIwas,kid.Momisstillalive.So, whilesheis,youshouldcherishher.Iunderstandhow you’re feeling, I’m going through the exact same thing, but dwelling on it changes nothing.Let her see you happy for herlasttimeswithyou,”Irespond,deliveringeveryword
with a dose of sincerity.
He finishes another bite of his sandwich before wiping his hands and sucking his teeth slightly.
“Alright, then what about Dad? Why do you still dwell on him?” he challenges me.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to do this in the first place. Now the arguing begins. I should’ve listened to my gut.I’m not cut out for these talks, and I probably won’t ever be. There goes being a father.
“I’m sure if he were here, things would be a lot different.I have my reasons, Steven.” I take a deep breath, beginning to bounce my knee underneath the table.
“Why can’t you admit that you hate him?Just because you act like nothing happened doesn’t make you a better person,” he snaps.
“I…I don’t hate him.”I sigh.“Steven, it’s complicated. He wasn’t a great guy, alright?He did a lot of things to Mom and me,” I try to explain.
“Yeah? Well at least you got to experience what life was like with a dad at all, Colton.I can’t even remember.All you do is talk shit about him—I’ve heard you. It’s not fair.” His voice begins to rise with every sentence, warranting us a decent number of stares in the sandwich shop.
“You don’t have to use my experiences as your own prime examples, man.My experiences are my own, you weren’t there for things.It’s before your time—before you were born,” I argue.
“So then tell me,” he says sternly. “Is it about him taking pills in the office? Mom told me that. Or how he used to hit her? I know that too, Colton. But neither of you will tell me what really happened in the office that one day.” He keeps talking, but his words seem to come out faster. “Because I don’t believe he would just shoot himself like that.”
“Steven,” I say loudly, having heard enough.He stops talking, staying quiet now.
“We’renottalkingaboutthisrightnow.Nothere.”
“So when? When are you gonna treat me like I’m eighteen and not like I’m incapable of comprehending anything?I wanna understand you, Cole…”
For whatever reason, those last words were more polar- izing than anything he’s ever said to me. For once, I felt he really meant it, and still my body would rather shield itself from digging any deeper for sentiment. The wall aroundmy
heart is as solid as a rock.
