Page 133 of The Breaking Pointe
“Yeah…”Ireadymyself,lettinghertakemyhandand watching her dainty fingers caress them.
She rests her head on my shoulder, giving me privacy, and not staring into my soul—the way I do to her.
“Whydon’tyouevertalkabouthim?”sheasks.
“Well,” I begin, “the thing about my father is that he had numerous, malevolent ways of disciplining me.He wasn’t always foul, but I spent more years being tortured by him than loved by him.”I close my eyes for a moment, being quiet.“Hewoulddotreacherousthingstomymom.He
was a lot like Daniel. Mostly, he was a great boxer, just like Daniel. He ruined it with his drug abuse.”
I lick my lips, looking at the leftover mess in front of us. It’s mostly cleaned up now—making the room nearly empty. Noelle plays with each of my fingers, listening.
“Whathappenedtohim?”
I tilt my head into hers, softly.“He uh…he committed suicide.”I gulp.“He shot himself.In front of me—and that’s what the picture represents.”I shovel out all of my words, squeezing my lips shut as my eyes fill up, ready to waterfall, yet again.
She lifts her head and looks at me with stunned eyes. “It’sallIcansee.IhavePTSDfromit,anditmakesme
be this unwell, untamed person,” I whimper. “My mother would know what to say, but I never do.I keep trying to justify her passing, because I didn’t take it seriously, Noelle,” I exhale, sniffling.“I’m stupid, and selfish.She was young— she didn’t deserve it—”
“Hey, no.”She shakes her head, placing a hand in my hair and caressing it. “Totally not true. You’re far from selfish.” She holds my hands tighter, directing me calmly.“It’s going to be hard, okay? You miss her, but you have to keep going. I’m so sorry you felt that you had to bottle all of that up—but it’s over now.You don’t have to anymore,” she assures me. I sniffle again and sit up,clearing my voice as I squeezeher hands back.“For once…I can say that talking about it isn’t so bad.I said it out loud, and the world didn’t eat itself
from the inside out.”
She cleans a few of my extra tears, giving me a small smile. “I’m very proud of you. Your mother has always been proud of you, and she would be proud of you now.”
Her last words burn as they hit me, but I want them to be true, so badly, I’d even let them scald me.
“Thank you for staying with me.” I look at her, stealing a kiss on her cheek.
She looks back at me with longing eyes, the green seeming duller than usual.
“I have to say something,” she insists.
“Say it, sweetheart,” I tell her, laying my head against the wall.
She pulls my hands to her lap and thinks for a moment. “Well—” she begins, stopping as soon as she speaks again. “I love you,” she says quickly.
Oh God.
“Elle, I…” I scramble, trying to give her anything except no response.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same,” she throws out.
But I do.I think.I don’t fucking know—this is all happening too fast for me.
“Noelle, I just wasn’t expecting that—It’s not that I don’t feel it—I just—” I start to pant between my words, grabbing my chest.
“Colton, it doesn’t require an answer,” she tells me, holding my arm. “Just breathe, I’m not angry.”
She’s not angry, but after everything I just told her, I can’t even say that I’m in love with her.It’s the one thing that still scares me the most.I’m not sure what I’m scared of anymore.I know how I feel, but my body is struggling to take the next step. If I say the magic words, it would make her leaving me even harder to get through.If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be doing all that I’m doing.The spark is there—and so am I. I’m all in.
So why the hell can’t I say it?
* * *
I lift my shirt over my head, tossing it onto the bench with my gym bag and take my old gloves out of the bag. Actually taking a break is abnormal to me.There’s no way that anybody could think I’d stay away from my boxing gloves for that long.Before I go out of town, I need to get my fix, one good time.I look back inside the bag and see the cassette tapes that Noelle gave me, right along with a cassette player I’d bought to eventually listen to them, but haven’t yet.
Feeling the universe talk to me, I set the gloves down and pick up the cassettes and the player, sitting on the bench and taking the headphones out, as well.I connect everything together, and put the headphones over my head, covering my ears with them, then insert the first cassette, labeledPick It Up.Closing the tape in it, I press rewind, and listen as it quickly winds up and clicks when it finishes, then I press play.
