Page 104 of The Breaking Pointe
Taking in the last few seconds I have of him before his life changes, I purse my lips together. Once I relay the message, things will never be the same. I suddenly wish it wasn’t me who took the call.This is the worst thing I’ve ever had to tell anyone.
“Noelle,spititout…”hesays,beginningtogetnervous.
“It’s your mom. She’s um…passed away. Josephine wants you to come see her before she calls anyone…” I nearly choke up getting all of my words out.
Moreappallingthanthat,Colton’sfacemorphsinto a soulless countenance.No words.No emotion.Just desolation.
“Colton…” I walk over to him, watching him sit all the way up.
“It’s okay,” he says, as if he’s ignored what I said all together.
“It’sokay?”I ask, now becoming truly scared.
“Let’s just get there, alright? I need to check on Steven,” he states, standing up and getting himself ready.
Watching him makes me dazed.Right when I found the light in his eyes, it’s gone. Just like that. This moment was going to be the beginning of my worry for his well-being for a long time, if not indefinitely.
26
a lifetime of regret
COLTON
In the end, my mother looks like she belongs in no place other than heaven while laying at peace in her casket.We got her a cream-color one, closer to gold because she’s worthy of it.I even had her name engraved into the side.Steven picked her dress in the shade of her favorite lavender color, which really brought it together. But it doesn’t make it less surreal.
Something that nobody tells you about your parents dying is that you’ll have to revisit the regret you once had for every stupid past decision you made that may have warranted their stress or disappointment.You revisit it because you’re angry that there was too many times you dedicated your youth to being irresponsible and ungrateful, when you could’ve done yourself a favor and listened. Of course, that’s what coming of age is about, but it makes no difference. Those mistakes could’vebeengoodmemoriestolookbackon.Icouldgo
on and on about how I could’ve been different, but it won’t alter the idea that we’re all just a strange species, floating around on a rock.The only consumable alleviation is that most of us are equally as confused as our neighbors about what exactly our purposes in this life are.
We all jump the gun—assuming we know what life has to offer, and that we know what we want out of it.
Until the road map changes.
The unfortunate part of being a person who jumps the gun is that you’re constantly over-expectant of the world around you. You don’t think—you know. You’re so sure of yourself that when it comes down to the final say, and you’re wrong, it hits like a truck. It leaves you wondering how you missed all of the signs.Every single time.Even though you do it over and over, you never learn.
It never changes.It’s the mere reason that my relation- ships fail, and my peers find me overwhelming. It’s the very thingthatIhurtmyselfwith,andit’sonconstantreplay. Insomecases,it’slikethenegativemonsterthatcreeps on your shoulder and convinces you nothing will go well. Sometimes you learn that the ending result is usually not bad, and that you panicked for nothing.Better than what you expected.Most of the time, though, that isn’t the case.
Likerightnow,forinstance.
The reality of losing my mother is sitting in front of my face now, and there isn’t a thing I can do to change that. It’s worse than what I ever presumed it could be. Looking back at her turning into a vegetative state over the span of a year, the at-home nurse and hospice care was probably one of the only good decisions I made regarding my life.Making sure that the woman who took care of me all this time was taken
care of for the last time.
I noted to Steven that it’s probably best for him to pack his things and not stay there alone. It’s traumatic enough knowing she’s gone. Staying in the same house where she passed doesn’t make it better.I helped him prepare, of course.I couldn’t exactly leave his side at a time like this. He might not think I’m the greatest, but I know that the last thing that he needs is to be left alone—and to be honest, I need his company, too.The feeling of being alone and losing her can be felt together.
Whileplanningthefuneral,Irealizedthatpeoplerely onGodmorethanIthought.Notjustforblessings,but sanity and explanations for things that don’t exactly have answers.I always wondered why people trail to religion whenever death makes a cameo. Why is it so comforting to us to imagine an afterlife—or uncomfortable for us not to? My mother used to drag me and my brother to church every Sunday without fail. At first, I never thought anything of it. Not until I was around the age of maybe twelve.I startedto question why all these bad things kept happening if we were being good people. I felt as though nobody was worthy of my obedience or good nature if my sinless existence was being rewarded.I didn’t then, but I now know the reward in the long run is whatever feelings are left behind after the decision you made.Good or bad, you have to live with it.So, with that said, hopefully, you’ve made a good decision, because you can’t change any narratives or create any cover- upstotakeyourmindawayfromtheinevitableafterthat.
That’s what makes this quite possibly the hardest challenge I have ever taken on.
Whichisrich,comingfromsomeonewhoonceadoreda
challenge.
My inability to react emotionally to everything is torment- ing.It’s always been a struggle, but at a time like this, not beingabletogrievethewayIwantisbeyondme.It’sasif Idon’tcare—wheninfact,I’minshambles.I’monthin ice with Steven now, as well, because of it.I would love to give him a complete blueprint of my mental state, but it’s easier to tell him that it’s all gonna be okay.Unlike our dad, I always have tried to steer him into the idea that things were good before they were bad. I think he’s caught onto my act, though.
So has Noelle.
Since the news of my mother’s passing, there’s been moments where Steven becomes snippy with me, and I can tell what it’s about each time.He has a right to be upset. We’re both hurting in ways that can’t be comprehended on a surface level. There’s no good way for me to explain how I’m physically unable to show how I truly feel about it all, and it’s my fault.If I let it continue, it’ll be more than my fault.
