Page 8 of Somewhere Only We Know
Noise. Noise. Noise. That’s all I need because this silence is suffocating.
I clear my throat and break the silence. “So, that was?—”
“Different?” Jax finishes for me.
I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. I turn my head to look at Jax who’s currently mastering the art of avoidance and gathering up her own trash.
“Weird different? Or a good different?” I fish for more from her. I keep my face blank as I ask her this because I’ve been known to have a terrible poker face.
“Nate, we can’t,” she says, almost defeated and still avoiding eye contact.
“Why not?” I ask through what feels like glass in my throat.
“Because you’re my best friend and I would be destroyed if I lost that.”
I rear back. “Who said anything about losing something?”
Jax finally turns to look at me and it’s like the hopeful feeling I felt before has been snuffed out by the mournful look on her face.
“I saw firsthand what happened with my sister when friendship lines were crossed and I don’t want that for me. For us.”
I turn away from her and look towards the breezeway under the stadium. The pathway is dirty from decades of shoes traipsing along, squished gum, and a few pieces of trash littering the area.
“So it was a good different?” I ask again.
“I won’t answer that. I won’t ruin a friendship like my sister did.”
“You know, I hear a lot about her and you. But what about you and me?” I’ve never once gotten angry or been angry with Jax. There was never any need to. She makes it too easy to be happy around her. But now?
“There is no you and me, Nate. There can’t be.”
Jax refusing us is something I should just accept. My parents have told me that when a girl refuses you, you don’t push. But that look we shared earlier was not one-sided. It’s clear Jax is scared. But I can’t hold her hand through the fear. I grind my back teeth together in an effort to keep from blowing up at her. With a short nod, I gather my things and hear her gasp. “Okay, then. I have to go. I forgot I have a study group session to get to. I’ll see you around, Jax.”
“That’s it?” she shouts at my back. “You’re just gonna walk away?”
I turn around and look at her. The furrow in her brow and her arms crossed over her chest in a defensive pose is what I’m committing to memory. But I also clock thetremble in her jaw and the watering of her eyes like she’s afraid to lose me. Like what she voiced is already happening.
“What do you want me to say, Jax? Do you want me to just forget that the crush I’ve had on you since I was eighteen means nothing?” I stalk back to her until I’m in her space. “Do you want me to forget that every time I’m around you, all I think about is kissing you and never coming up for air?” My hands come up and I gently cradle her face and tip her head back so I can look into her eyes. My thumbs lightly rest on her throat and I watch the movement as she swallows. I feel the quickening of her pulse under my other fingers and it sickeningly soothes me that this riles her up. That the possibility of losing me over this terrifies her. “I dream of the day when I can finally call you mine. I’ve tried to squash my crush for you. I’ve tried for the last three years. But day after day you have wormed yourself so deep inside of me that I have been waiting for you to notice. But you’re so sure that if we cross the line you’ll lose me and instead you don’t want to try at all. So you lose me instead.”
“Was that all our friendship was to you?” She asks and I don’t miss the tears threatening to spill over. Or her hidden question.
“No, J. It has never been about that and deep down you know it.”
I wait for the words to click. For her to say something. But she doesn’t. We just stand there. Toe to toe. Brown eyes to brown eyes. And still, she says nothing.
I swallow through her rejection and lean forward, pressing a kiss on her forehead. I linger there and feel her hands encircle my forearms of the hands that are still cradling her face, hoping this kiss kicks some sense into her. That she can get on the same page as me. But all too soonher hands drop and I rip myself away from her, walking quickly back to my dorm. Away from the girl who’s had my heart for the last three years.
Unknowingly, Jax has had the power to undo me all along.
And today she did just that.
5
NATE
PRESENT DAY
It’s like seeing a ghost. Our eyes locked from across the field and what felt like hours is really only a minute. When she leaves, my gaze stays glued to the spot where Jax was standing with her sister and Chance.
