Page 21 of Somewhere Only We Know
“So why did you–” Kamryn looks like she struggles to find the word when that’s never been her issue before.
“Stay?” I ask and my voice cracks on that small, yet impactful, word. There are several reasons why some choose to stay in, unbeknownst to them, toxic or abusive relationships. For me, it was comfort and maybe I was a little terrified of what would happen if I broke up with him.I was terrified for myself because I was once again dependent on someone to help make me whole. So yes, I was comfortable with Trent. But I was also fearful of what he would do if one more person crossed him and I didn’t want to be in that destructive path.
“Yeah,” my sister whispers.
“I was just clinging to anyone who helped keep me out of that hole I found myself in. And if I got scuffed along the way I could deal with it. Now, I realize how unhealthy that was.”
Sully nuzzles my hand for more pets and I give her just that.
“And where do you stand now?”
“On what?”
“Love,” Kam starts, “you used to be the biggest believer. But, I’m scared that both men have tainted your idea of it.”
I look at my sister and roll my head to the side. I smile a smile that doesn’t reach my eyes as I feel the familiar burn of tears stinging in my eyes. “I still believe in love. That moment when it all clicks into place. But I think my heart is just too bruised to even think about letting someone in.”
Valentine’s Day…as cheesy as the Hallmark Holiday is, is one of my favorite days. It’s the one day where love is the main focus. Sure, telling your partner you love them every day should be the norm. You don’t need an excuse to bring them flowers or take them out for a fancy dinner. But for some inexplicable reason, Valentine’s Day ensures that those you love know that you love them.
“Hold on the fact that you’re still willing to let someone in despite being burned.” Kam says and stands up from the couch, heading back to her shoes.
I give her a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”
“He didn’t want to leave college–you.”
With those words she shakes the foundation that I believed in. From my point of view he made it seem like leaving was the easiest thing he could have done. Just one text and that was that. But with Kamryn saying this, I no longer know what I’m supposed to believe.
“What are you saying?”
Kamryn stands back up after tying her last shoe and gives me her undivided attention. “I can’t tell you anymore than that. But I remember you during that time, J. I may have shut everyone out, but I remember. And I think you should hear him out. Because I like who you are now. I like getting to know my sister again. And I think Nate can make that permanent.”
I stay seated with my dog softly snoring in my lap as my sister heads home to her husband. I want that. Not my sister’s husband. But someone to go and come home to. I see what Kamryn, Emily, and Sarah have and I wonder if I’ll have that. I know that Icanhave that. But has my time run out to get my happily ever after? Has my luck on love run out?
I have so much to be grateful for. I have a job. A place to live. A place to sleep. But in dropping Trent and seeing Nate again, my heart is at war. Do I run back into the arms of someone that made me dependent on their company? Or do I do everything in my power to continue building a life that I can be proud of, alone?
The black and white of the two choices: dependent or independent, sound loud in my ears.
Which one do I choose? Is there a way to have them both?
I bury my face in Sully’s fur and cry because for the first time in my life, I have no clue the direction my personal life will go. And Nate reappearing threatens the uncertainty.
12
NATE
COLLEGE, SPRING SEMESTER - MAY, JUNIOR YEAR
“Win this on three, boys!” Mike, our captain chants. “One, two, three…win this!”
One of the things I love most about baseball is the routine of it. I know my role and play it well. When the umpire calls for play, we run out to our positions to the roar of the crowd. In right field, I have an incredible vantage point. My focus is on the pitcher's mound, but on occasion my eyes will sweep over the stands and land on the girl who’s holding a poster that says “Score for me number 21” with baseballs dotted around the empty space.
“Is this supposed to have a double-meaning?”I ask Jax when I come up behind her at the kitchen table.
It’s long after her parents retired to bed for the night, so it’s been us living in temporary domestic bliss.
She stands up from her bent over position and I wrap my arms around her waist. “If I sayyeswill you?”
Since we got home from the garden, Jax has made it known that she doesn’t want me to wait for the perfect time despite menever having told her that’s what I was doing. When thinking about taking our relationship to the next level, it makes me nervous. I want to cross that line with Jax, but I also want to make her first time good and memorable. I want our first time as a couple to be memorable.
