Page 1 of Somewhere Only We Know
1
JAX
PRESENT DAY
“That should do it,” I say, more to myself as I stand back and admire my handiwork—but also to Sully, my black lab who’s laying on her dog bed with her head resting on her paws. Her dark brown eyes peer up at me in a look one can only describe as pathetic. But so cute that it makes me melt every time.
With my hands on my hips, I look around at the room that’s in disarray with half-unpacked boxes and partially put-together furniture. But with that I also breathe a sigh of relief as my body finally unclenches.
I’m starting over.
And putting together my office is the second step.
After I ended what I’m now coming to realize was a toxic relationship, I needed to move to a place that was untouched by his presence. I got in so deep with that relationship that I made excuse after excuse for why he behaved and treated me the way he did. But the truth of the matter is that he was a waste of space and took out his shortcomings on me. I can finally see that now. I can see that he was never able to hold onto a job for more than six months before hewould live off of me. I can also see that he purposefully isolated me from my friends and family. I could see that he was wasting talent that I knew he possessed if he only gave a little bit of effort. Now, that’s I’m removed, I can see a lot of things clearly.
Could I see that clearly at the time? No.
But now I can see that my ex continued to take until I was left on empty. On days when I was feeling particularly low, I would look at older pictures of myself on my phone and I could barely recognize myself. I’d like to say that the sudden wakeup call to end it with him came after his outburst at my sister’s wedding. That was a low point for me as I ended up crawling back to him. He had been let go from another job, thought everyone was out to get him, and he didn’t like the way Mason’s teammates were talking with me. Never mind that most of them were married and that I considered them family. It took two more instances for me to open my eyes that the relationshipInurtured, wasn’t nurtured by him.
The second wakeup call eventually came from my manager and said that brands were looking to no longer work with me if I continued to deliver subpar videos. It’s unfortunate that that was the moment that put everything into perspective. The moment that I could lose my financial stability. But then the third, and most important, kick in the ass was the small intervention my sister and friends organized for me. That was the lowest point for me. It was my rock bottom. It was when I admitted to myself that I didn’t know how to get off a carousel that just kept spinning. The ride may be fun, but after a while it was the same thing over and over.
Sully huffing like her life is tough brings me back to the present and I look over at her with raised brows. Which, onecould argue that her life was tough. I adopted her last month from the shelter. She was brought in as a stray puppy and had been there for a little over a year with no applications. It’s a tough realization for black cats and black dogs, that nobody wants you. But when I saw her huddled in the corner of the kennel they had her in, eyes weepy, and body trembling, I knew I was taking her home.
I never pictured myself having another dog. After watching our family dog, Jersey, slow down and his face turn gray, I promised myself I couldn’t handle watching another creature lose their life. But as fate would have it, when I was doing my nightly scroll through social media, the rescue’s page popped up with the available animals and Sully’s sad eyes spoke to me. I messaged the rescue that night to set up a meet and greet and the next morning I went to meet Sully. That was that. She came home with me that day and she’s been my shadow since then.
I finish unpacking the necessities for my bookshelf in my studio and break down the empty box. After my breakup, I temporarily moved in with Kam and Mason while I looked for a new place. And I looked as fast and hard as the market allowed. I love my sister and Mason, but they’re gross. In a cute way. Until it wasn’t when turning every corner in their house started to scar me. When I was looking for a new place to live, I knew I wanted to dive in and get a house. Apartments and condos are easy, but having a house allotted me more freedom. And now having Sully, the empty lot next to my place has come in handy. So here I am at twenty-eight as an official homeowner.
I turn on some music and finish unpacking to get this room setup for getting back to work next week. With a packed filming and recording schedule, I need the place to be organized within an inch of its life or I can’t workpeacefully. Also, having the epiphany that my unpacking would be great for a new series, I pull out my smaller camera and get that setup. I don’t utilize my vlog channel as much as I should because most of my work falls under the scope of my clients not wanting their work shown and I also stay home majority of the time. But having this footage will be good for me to have to look back on.
Two hours later I’m done. With my hair falling out of the messy bun and the sun reaching the highest point in the sky, it’s time for a break. I snag my phone off the desk I set up and go to place an order for a pizza. My thumb hovers over thePlace Orderbutton all because of my ex’s snide comment about my weight sliding back into my mind. I haven’t heard his voice in a while—but it’s times like this, when I’m enjoying where I’m at in my life, I’ll hear him. Because at 5’2” I carry weight more noticeably than my sister who’s a few inches taller. So I have cellulite on my thighs and I don’t have a flat and firm midsection—we’ve gotta protect our organs somehow and my boobs range between a C and D cup. But with him no longer in my life, I sayfuck itto the man I dropped and order the pizza for lunch.
“Wanna keep me company in the living room?” I ask Sully who’s watching me from her dog bed. Her tail starts wagging as if I asked her if she wanted to go on a walk. That word, I know she understands.
One thing I didn’t realize is that I would talk to my dog more than I would talk to people. But that’s something I’m rather okay with. I don’t have to rethink or carefully word what I’m going to say for fear of being berated. I don’t have to walk on eggshells or make sure she’s in a good mood before I start talking. Although, I do have to talk her down after the doorbell rings. That’s one thing I didn’t realizewhat happened in my relationship. My ability to speak freely was silenced.
My wings were clipped and I was placed in a cage. Even now that I’m free of him, I don’t know if I’ll ever fly again.
When I get to the kitchen, I decide I may as well start unpacking the dishes that I do have before my food comes. I’ve never been a cook, so what I do have to make meals is limited. I finish putting the last mug in the cabinet when I grab my phone to check on my order and the doorbell rings. Walking down the hallway and to the front door, I check the peephole just to make sure it’s my food and open the door when I see it is.
“Thank you,” I tell the delivery driver and tip him well.
Taking my food to my small dining room, I eat right out of the box. As I’m eating, I go through socials and respond to comments from viewers and comment on some other YouTubers posts. When I first started my channel, there was a collective group of us that were put in an unofficial class. Almost like a graduation class. We would constantly chat, send each other tips, and continue to show our support for each other to help grow our channels. We attended conventions and would travel to each other's houses for “creator weekends”. But that stopped, at least for me, a few years ago and I hate that Trent caused me to lose those friendships.
Working from home is already isolating. But I was lucky to have that small community to talk with whenever I needed. Day or night. Well, mostly night as we all were night owls.
As my relationship with him furthered and then ended, the days passed and the messages I sent went unresponded to, I began to feel more isolated than ever. And I wondered daily if I would ever be able to get back to the career and friendships I had before.
I take a deep breath and send out a few messages to the creators I used to talk with the most and hope for the best. One creator, Ellie, started a sort of tutoring channel for kids and parents who needed extra help in school. It’s extremely interactive and I sent the channel to Emily who now uses it in her classroom. Ellie was one of the creators I grew closest to. We had a bit of a similar background when it came to relationships, which helped us grow closer. But that relationship was cut just as quickly as it began. I have no idea how she is, but I send a longer message just to check in and apologize.
PODCAST
“You know, I was just thinking this the other day. About how difficult it is to break the toxic patterns that you find yourself in. I spent so long doing and feeling the same thing, day in and day out with the same person—who at the time, I had no idea was draining me. That when I was finally able to break that pattern, I realized how absolutely unprepared I was for a new normal. No one talks about that. How you need to find yourself without the crutch of toxicity. For the longest time, I’ve always been of the mindset that I can handle everything on my own. Give me my planner, a pen, my dog, and I will create and shift my focus. But that shifting of my mindset only works when I allow it to. And I could not allow it to. I spent so long with someone who put me in a pattern of needing him, comforting him, and staying with him. That when I decided to break that pattern, I realized I didn’t know how to create a new pattern that only involved me. So, today on this podcast, to those of you who tune in every week, I’m making a promise to add something new and something good to my pattern. Let’s say I’ll do this—for six months. And I’ll will check back in with you all inthe new year. I guarantee you it won’t be life changing at first, but I am hoping that this trying a new pattern leads me to something incredible.”
“I would go on, but my dog is nudging my leg. She’s part of my new pattern and that seems to be all that I have for you on this episode ofLife Not Simplified. I’ll see you all next week.”
2
JAX
