Page 78 of Somewhere Only We Know
“Yes. In Vegas. And it wasafterThanksgiving for Chance and Sophie’s joint bachelor-bachelorette party,” I explain and feel like I’m now two feet tall when I see my mom looking more upset with me than I’ve ever seen.
“Nathan,” she sighs exasperatedly and I know she’s about to say that a mistake like this can ruin my career.
“Mom, don’t. I love you and I have so much respect for you—” I start to plead my case.
“So why are you two still married?”
I feel Jax’s body flinch like she was hit and to be fair, my reaction isn’t any better. I had hoped my mom would be happy for me. Or at least be a little warm. Not question why Jax and I are still married.
“Because we love each other. And because when we woke up the next morning, we ran through every scenario, including divorce and an annulment. Trust us, that was on the table.” I look down at Jax and she looks at me with a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “The thought of divorcing Jax made me sick. I was already lost without her. I didn’t want to lose her again.” I don’t miss the watering of her eyes or the slight tremble in her bottom lip.
“Wait. Rewind. Howdidyou two come back to each other?” this time it’s Kayla who asks. My sister is a romantic and also loves her romance books. So me and Jax are like a romance book couple come to life for her.
“Funny enough, she was at one of our home games. I saw her talking with Chance and her sister and I thought I saw a ghost. Because there was no way the one that got away, the one I pushed away, was at a game that I was playing in.”
“Let me guess, love at first sight all over again?”
I snort and Jax laughs, burying her face in my chest. “Not even close. Jax hated me. She can deny it all she wants, but she hated me and how I ended us.”
“And you had to grovel.” Kayla notes.
“Exactly.”
My sister goes on about the books she’s read where the exact thing has happened. Of course she said she’s never known anyone in real life like where that’s happened. But Jax and I are living proof that it can.
When there's a lull in the conversation, I tell them the real reason we’re down here. “I also wanted to visit Dad. That’s one of the other reasons we came down here.”
My admission sobers up the room. It’ll take a bit longer to win over Mom and my choice to get married without her there. But like Jax, I still want the big wedding with ourfamily and friends present. We’re just not in a rush for that to happen.
“It’s good that you want to do that.” My mom says and stands up. “Excuse me.”
“Mom…” I begin and reach for her as she passes, but she evades my touch.
Jax’s body is stiff. And for good reason. She knows the good of my family. How when I would come back to Philadelphia I would have a plethora of stories to tell her. But this version of my mom is not the woman I would tell Jax about. It makes it seem like she’s not accepting of Jax and that fear of abandonment and unwantedness is probably rushing forward.
“She’s–” Kayla begins, but pauses to find the words.
“How has it been? Really? I don’t want some fabricated story to spare my feelings. I want the truth, Kayla.”
Kayla’s eyes drop and my body tenses because I know whatever she says won’t make this any easier. “It’s been hard, Nate. She shielded most of her hurt from me when I was younger. But I lost my dad. I lost one of the men I looked up to the most.”
I swallow hard, because the implication that Kayla lost me too is not lost on me.
“I could hear her. At night. Sometimes in the morning, too. Our rooms might have been on opposite ends of the house, but her crying still made it through the walls. And it didn’t get better once you were drafted, Nate. You were gone, Daddy died, and Mom wouldn’t even look at me.”
Even I can admit that it’s hard to look at Kayla. She looks just like Dad, but with softer, feminine features. But she’s still my little sister. And she lost someone during the important years of her life. She didn’t have him to watch her go toprom, or graduate high school. He won’t be there to walk her down the aisle.
“Kayla, I’m sorry.”
Her eyes are glass with tears and she shakes her head. “Don’t do that. You had dreams to chase, Nate. And we are so proud of you. But it doesn’t ease the sting of you leaving us behind to chase those dreams.”
Jax runs a soothing hand up and down my arm. But I can’t feel it. My body has gone completely numb and I have no clue the steps to take to thaw. I guess I built them up in my mind. Thinking they were healing just fine without me. When they would visit, we’d laugh and reminisce on old times. But I can see how much of a mask that was.
Kayla stands up and I must wear the confusion on my face. “I have to get to work. When are you two leaving?”
“We’ll be here for the week,” Jax answers for me because suddenly my mouth is filled with sand.
My sister nods and says something. But I can’t hear. It’s like I’m underwater and generally not attached to my body. The sound of a door closing finally breaks me out of the haze and I look around seeing it’s just Jax and I. Her eyes are red from crying and I hate that she cried at all.
