Page 73 of Somewhere Only We Know
“I would feel lost. And in an endless cycle of sadness. I don’t know what it’s like for your Mom to lose her other half. But I feel like that’s what it’s like for her. An endless cycle of sadness.”
Jax saying that makes me think that maybe my mom is only keeping it together for me and Kayla. That she’s only here because of me and Kayla. How many times has shecried herself to sleep at night? Is she eating enough? Is Kayla making sure she’s getting to work?
When I got drafted, I left and never looked back. It was the only way I knew how to cope. How to heal. That makes me a bad son, but I couldn’t stay there any longer. I wanted to make something of myself and I did that to honor my dad. It’s why I wear number 37. I never asked why that was his favorite number. But if I had to guess it was the age he was when Kayla was born. So I wear that number with pride.
“I can book us tickets and we can go visit our families this week.” I tell Jax with another kiss on her forehead and I feel her nod against my chest.
We stay on the patio until not even the fire and blankets can keep us warm. With an extended goodbye in the form of over-the-clothes groping on her couch, I head back to my empty house. Walking in with no one here, makes me want to speed up our dating process so we can get to the forever part. I love my house, but I would rather live with Jax. So it’s time to accelerate the process of us living together.
33
JAX
The plane touches down on the runway with a smooth landing. We only spent a day with my parents in Philadelphia and they were more than ecstatic that they now have another son-in-law. And it being Nate of all people, soothed their hurt over us getting married in Vegas. It may have taken them our whole visit to forgive him for the way he left me the first time, but they came around.
I yawn and stretch in my seat as the only flight to get us here with enough time to not be traveling all day, without out of the way plane stops, was an eight AM flight. Meaning, my husband had us at the airport hours before we departed. Nate was on the receiving end of my less than stellar mood and got me caffeine as soon as he could. But I kissed him to make up for my crankiness, which he readily accepted. It’s just before ten when the plane comes to a stop and it’s then I notice that Nate’s tenseness is soaking into me.
I lightly caress his chin and turn his head my way. “Hey.”
Nate’s eyes hold a heaviness to them that I haven’t seen before and it tears me up. I know coming home is hard forhim. But deep down, I know my husband needs this.Heknows he needs this.
“Hi, Bee.”
“For better or worse.” I tell him, not breaking eye contact. That seems to soothe his anxiety just a smidge. Because whether it’s a sunshine and cloudless day or turbulent weather is in the forecast, I’m not leaving him.
When the whirl of the engines stops, the captain announces we are safe to depart the plane, but Nate and I stay seated just a little bit longer looking at each other. He kisses me on the tip of my nose and once the aisle is cleared out, only then do we unbuckle and grab our backpacks from the overhead compartment. Hand-in-hand we make the mile long walk towards baggage claim. Okay, it’s not an entire mile, but it feels that way. We stand off to the side with him holding me. His head rests on top of my head and my hands rest on his back, tracing soothing circles to bring his heart rate back down. Nate kisses the top of my head and gently unwinds my arms from around him as he goes to get our luggage that dropped.
I watch him pick up both bags, with his body tense and coiled to strike. This is not the boy I fell in love with and I can’t help but think I pushed him to this. I can’t help but compare Nate to how Kamryn and Emily reacted those months, and years if I’m honest, after Liam and James passed. They were definitely withdrawn and I never pushed them when they retreated into themselves because I knew they needed to heal in their own time. But I don’t know how to move forward with Nate coming to terms with his Dad’s passing. Because it’s clear that he hasn’t properly grieved.
“Ready?” He asks with fake enthusiasm when he’s back over with our suitcases trailing behind him. Everything about my husband is strained and I hate it. Thankfully it’sstill early enough that not everyone has noticed Nate’s presence, apart from the few die hard baseball fans that have gawked or weren’t sure if it was him. And I’m grateful they’ve left him alone. But really, it could be the scowl and the hard-set line of his clenched jaw that kept people from approaching him.
“I’m ready.” I tell him and hold my hand out for my suitcase. Begrudgingly, Nate hands me mine and together we walk to the rental car counter to get our keys.
Nate navigatesthe highway like he plays baseball. Effortlessly. And sexy as hell. I cross my legs to try to relieve the ache that’s started in my core. With all of our make out sessions I feel like we’re back in college. But god, I want more. I want all of him.
“You’re staring,” Nate says without taking his eyes off the road.
“You once told me I can stare at you all I want. So I’m taking full advantage of watching my sexy as hell husband drive.”
His cheeks lift with a smile and takes my left hand in his, bringing it up to his lips for a kiss. I move closer to the center console and kiss the back of his hand before placing them in my lap. I sit in the passenger seat quietly as the trees on either side of the highway give way to businesses and apartment complexes. We pass a park with a massive hill and my eyes go wide because I’ve never seen anything like it.
“It’s so open here.” I observe.
Cincinnati is about as open as a snow globe. When you find yourself in the city more than in the suburbs, it can get a little stifling. And the longer I live where I am, the more Icrave a place on the outskirts. A yard for Sully to run around in and no neighbors on the other side of my living room wall.
“Sometimes too open,” Nate chimes in. “I can take you around places this week. But right now I just want to check-in to the hotel and then get food.”
“Okay,” I say softly.
Us staying at a hotel was a point of contention for us. I didn’t think we would argue this early into our marriage. And over where to stay. But we did. After we cooled off, I saw Nate’s side of not wanting to stay in his family’s home. I can’t imagine staying somewhere and seeing the ghost of your loved one everywhere you turn. So it’s a good thing that we’re staying in a hotel. It gives him a place to decompress.
As we drive further, the trees give way to towering glass buildings with windows for days and signs for the beach. I let Nate choose the hotel for us to stay since this is for him and he knows the area. But the nervous feeling of being surprised is making me bounce in my seat. Yet, when he pulls into a parking garage for a Marriott, my body relaxes.
It looks like it’s a newer build and since it’s the off-season, check-in takes no time at all. We head over to the elevator and take it up to the seventh floor. Nate held me the entire way as a form of support over my elevator fears and I fell in love with him a little more for that.
“Woah.” I say when I see the windows open to the ocean. The sound of the door closing behind me isn’t enough to get me to look away or stop drooling.
“I knew you’d like this view.” Nate tells me as he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
