Page 47 of Somewhere Only We Know
“Keep your voice down,” I scold her and step in front of her as we go to step on the plane. I was comfortable with riding economy, but Kam upgraded us to First Class. And it seems everyone else was of the same thought process and when I sit in my seat, I see the rest of our group takes up the other seats. Kam sits next to me and we accept glasses of champagne despite it not even being eight in the morning.
“So tell me what happened,” she whispers to me. Though it’s not needed as the engines start and nothing can be heard over us as we take off.
“We got in a fight a few weeks ago about him making the choice to end us.”
Kamryn’s eyes widen and I know she’s thinking of when Mason broke up with her in college. Although, the decision wasn’t all his but he still went through with it. His college coach made him end their relationship to focus on getting drafted. When he and Kam got back together and she unloaded about her past with Liam, Mason spoke about what his college coach did to his NFL coach where he was told that was extremely unethical. We all knew it at the time, but who’s going to take a college student's side over a decorated college football coach? So Mason eventually went to the board at their alma mater, after all those years, and outed his coach. Served the man right as it turns out that wasn’t the first instance of that happening. Mason was just the first to finally speak up.
“Where does that leave you two now?”
I finish off my champagne and place it on the tray in front of me. “I don’t know. Friends? People who know of each other? I told him his actions need to start backing up his words.”
“Good for you, JJ.” Kamryn praises me and finishes off her champagne as well.
“You don’t think I’m being too unreasonable?” I ask my sister because as I’ve stewed in my anger and seen the devoid look on Nate’s face, I’m starting to wonder if my anger is unjustified. Or if I’m being too unreasonable and too hard on him. But then I remember that we could have still been anusyet he made the choice to end it. So while I’m doubting that this anger is productive, it is exhausting.
“I think as women we’re told that overreacting is dramatic, emotional, unnecessary. Or it makes us a bitch, callous, cold. But how many of those instances stemmedfrom someone causing us to react that way? So, no. I don’t think you’re overreacting. In fact, I think you’re reacting with the right amount of anger and hurt. Because when someone hurts you, it’s not up to them or anyone else to decide how you feel or when to get over it.”
I let Kamryn’s words sink in. And I realize that on top of being angry at Nate, I’m also hurt. He hurt me, my feelings specifically, and I don’t think I’ve gotten over that. I don’t know if I can. Because no amount of words or his actions that prove otherwise, can mask that hurt with a Band-Aid.
“How do you–” I clear my throat to push back the emotion. Through the crack of the seats, I see Nate looking our way and it’s as if he can tell what I’m talking about by the furrow in his brows. “How do you move forward? I won’t say our situation is the same.” I tell my sister and I don’t expand on our situation. “But how and when did you decide to let Mason back into your life?”
Kamryn blows out a breath that ruffles her lips as she gathers her thoughts. “I–I think I was just ready to let go of the years of hurt. I was in the same spot as you were where he never called once he was gone. He was just gone. Like disappeared into thin air, gone. I was hurt. But it was after celebrating another fashion week…oh I was angry at seeing him. Thinking he could just approach me, talk with me, and think that’s it. But I also realized that I missed him more than I was angry at him.”
“That was that?” I ask incredulously. Because if missing someone was all it took to have them back in my life, then Nate would have never left.
“No. I needed a little more work on myself before I decided to let him back in.” Kamryn regards me carefully. “Speaking of–when was your last session?”
I look down at my fingers and pick at a non-existent scab. “A while ago.”
I stopped going to therapy because I felt like I talked more about my life and feelings on my podcast than to my therapist. It’s cathartic. But maybe there are some things where talking to no one can’t solve and I need more help than I realize.
“JJ, maybe you need to make an appointment?”
“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” I tell her and sit back in the seat.
The rest of the flight I think and I think and I think until I’m ready to drink so much when we land that I forget what I’m thinking about. When we finally land and head to baggage claim, check in at the hotel and find our rooms, I’m ready to crash from all of the thinking.
24
NATE
The door to my hotel room slams shut with the typical boom and I shove the plastic card in my pocket as I stand in the middle of the room. It’s a standard hotel room but with the classic Las Vegas flare. The bathroom is where they’re typically placed, right by the front door and it has a nice walk-in shower and a good lighted mirror. The bed is a single king-sized bed with a dresser and TV on top of it, then you walk down two steps to get to the small living room area which has a massive bay window that looks over the city.
Orders from the bride and groom to be, were to rest up before dinner and hitting the strip. Because knowing how those two feed off one another’s energy, we’ll likely be out until the sun rises again. And after my tense talk with Jax and the flight where I knew she was hurting because of me, taking a nap is all I want to do. But a knock on my door sends my heart to my throat thinking that it’s her. Checking the peephole, it’s not the Rawlins sister that I expected, but the other Rawlins sister and I open the door.
“You idiot!” She shouts and shoves me back into myroom. Now I see where Jax gets it from. Because for their petite heights, they’re freakishly strong. “Nate, I said fight for her! Not send her back to how she was with her ex. Rules out on which ex I’m referring to.”
I wince because I don’t even know the guy and I hate being remotely compared to him. “I’m at a loss here, Kamryn.” I say completely defeated.
“Look, when I say you and her ex screwed her up, that’s not an exaggeration. I was in my own grief with losing Liam but I still had my eye on my sister. And she was broken. For me and for her. But Jax was far past hurt and I think it’s because the one person she loved more than anything left and broke her beyond repair.”
I look up at the ceiling and then wander back over to the window that looks out over the strip. For a city that never sleeps, it sure is empty. But it’s nice to know that even in one of the most iconic cities in the states, people still need rest.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit. And for someone who starts every blueprint with a blank page, not knowing where to start with Jax is like I need to chop down my own tree and head to a paper mill to create a blank page to move forward.
Kamryn heaves out a heavy breath behind me. “Have you tried telling her you’re sorry?”
I turn around and rest my body against the window. My eyes meet Kamryn’s and I’m sure she sees my answer. “Not in those exact words.”
