Page 42 of Somewhere Only We Know
“I didn’t want you to have more than you needed to on your plate.” I tell her.
“That wasn’t your decision to make, Nathan,” her voice is hard and I flinch at her usage of my full name in this tone. “Did that year before not teach or show you anything? I would’ve been there for you.”
I shake my head because that’s exactly what I didn’t want. “Do you know what it’s like to go home and see your parent collapsed on the floor for God knows how long? Do you know what it’s like to go to the hospital looking for answers, just for the doctor to say the tests were inconclusive? Because I do, Jax.”
She mumbles something under her breath, but it’s too low that I can’t hear her over the thundering sound of my heart.
“What?”
“For better or worse. That’s what you told me.”
“Yeah, well, we weren’t married so that doesn’t apply to us,” I spit.
Jax’s body stiffens and I realize I said words that I can’ttake back. The silence is thick. And not in a good way. The silence is thick enough to suffocate me. But I can’t take those words back. For better or worse was what we started saying soon after we made us official because we knew we were forever for each other. Who knew that those words would be my downfall.
She stands up from her chair and takes her plate to the kitchen. I follow closely behind with my plate in-hand and feel like an absolute douche-canoe.
“Bee.” I start and reach for her, but she moves out of my way at the last second.
“I would have said yes. I would have stayed with you.” She says and rinses her plate off before setting it down in the sink and using the dish towel next to her to dry her hands off. Jax doesn’t need to clarify what the yes was, because I know. I have those four words inked forever on my body.
I crowd her as I put my plate in the sink with hers. Jax’s body freezes at the point of contact and I know I need to smooth things over. But no relationship, whether romantic or platonic, can go without stepping on the other's toes. This is an unfortunate truth I have to come to terms with. Better we do this now than later.
I hurt her. I can admit that to myself and one day, when we’re not clouded by anger, I’ll tell her. I broke her heart. But in turn, I also broke mine. And it’s clear that as we’ve both moved on, we did a shit job at repairing the inner hurt. It’s like we put a Band-Aid on a wound that needed to be stitched.
“I know you would have, Jax. But we both know we would have crashed and burned if we made that commitment so young.”
She backs away from me as if my body is fire and she’s ice. “So that’s your reason. Run before it gets tough?”
“No, Jaclyn. I would have stayed with you and fought through the hell that was my life when I left Pennsylvania. I would have stayed with you and it would have ruined us.”
“You are not a fortune teller, Nate!” She yells and pushes me. “You don’t get to predict what the future will be and then save yourself from the pain. Life doesn’t work like that.” Jax continues to push me through it all as tears of anger fill her eyes. “Life is messy and hard and the only way people get through the messy and hard times is with someone by their side. You didn’t give me a chance. You didn’t give us a chance!”
Jax and I stare at each other in my kitchen. My defeat mixed with her anger and hurt over my choice is one I’ll have to live with. Her chest is heaving and her eyes are wild with anger at me and unshed tears of sadness from what we could have been. I pushed Jax and I have to live with that.
After the standoff I swallow a few times before speaking. “What can I do to make us right?”
“I don’t know.”
We go back to staring at one another. So many words were said tonight but I can’t find the right ones to string together. I can’t find the ones to tell her how sorry I am. But words aren't enough for this. And in seconds I watch the fight leave Jax’s body. It’s like standing on the beach with the sun shining down on you and out of nowhere rain clouds take that light away.
She walks around me and heads for the door. But before she gets to the stairs, I say the words that might cut more than what I’ve already said.
“For better or worse, huh? I thought you meant them?”
Jax freezes on the spot but doesn’t turn around to faceme. I watch her shoulders lift and fall as she breathes through her anger. Her head turns so I can only see her side profile. “I meant them. Did you?”
She flies down the steps and out the front door leaving me once again staring at where she was standing. It was like the first time seeing her all over again. Except this time we left with the heaviness of the last hour hanging around in my house.
Kamryn said I have to fight for her. But how long do I have to fight with her before our past is one we can no longer work through? How long do I have to fight before I throw in the towel? How hard do I have to prove that the words I tattooed on my body mean something? For better or worse are words you use in a marriage ceremony. But they were also the words we used to pledge our love to one another.
But after tonight, who knows if those words hold weight anymore. And suddenly the words I have branded on my body feel meaningless.
22
JAX
COLLEGE, NOVEMBER, SENIOR YEAR
