Page 36 of Somewhere Only We Know
“I mean, what have you been up to and not through your work life?”
“I don’t–” I break eye contact and look down at a spot on the kitchen counter before looking back up at Nate. “I don’t really know how to answer that.”
“Okay.” He nods and takes a swallow from the bottle and I have to curl my toes in on themselves as I watch his throat bob. “How about the last six months?”
I take a healthy sip of wine and look past him towards the city skyline. “I have been rebuilding my life.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, turning that question back on me.
“I guess restructuring my life would be the better word. Less depending on others and learning that I’m enough, that I can live on my own.”
“Huh.” Nate starts and takes another pull of water. I watch the way his throat bobs with each swallow and I have to forcibly drag my eyes away. Drinking water is not sexy. But it is Nate…so.
“What’s with the ‘huh’?”
He shakes his head and caps his bottle.
“No. If we’re gonna do this friend thing, then it’s only fair you tell me what you were going to say.” I tell him and take a healthy swallow of wine.
“Are you sure?” he asks and I nod my head. “I always knew you didn’t actually need me in your life.”
I open my mouth to object because I needed him more than anything. “How can yo–”
“Jax, there’s a difference between need and want. Needing means that you can’t survive without it and wanting means that you can survive without it but you choose not to. So no, you didn’t need me, but you wanted me in your life. And I wanted, still want, you in mine. As forthe missing years, I wish I could understand how you felt you needed someone to make you feel like you were enough. Because you were always enough. For yourself, for me. When did that change?”
My forehead scrunches as I think about what he said. WhendidI need Trent to make me feel like I was enough? The silence surrounding us is weighted. What do I say after that? WhatcanI say after that? As we sit in my kitchen, the truth is that I don’t know when I needed someone like Trent to make me feel like I was enough so I can’t answer Nate’s question.
Nate pushes back his chair and disrupts the silence as I’ve said nothing for the past minute. When he stands to his full height, the only thing in my line of sight is his chest. A firm chest, but that’s not my main focus. It’s him. His body heat and patchouli scent I loved so much is dizzying to my wine-muddled brain. My body warms as he wraps a gentle hand around the side of my neck. I don’t look up and he doesn’t make any move to lift my head. I stay perfectly still as he leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead. And I almost whimper from a simple act. I never realized how starved I was for affection like this until he did this.
Nate rests his forehead against mine and if I thought my feelings for him were strong back then, they’re nothing compared to right now as they come rushing back like a fastball to the plate.
“I think who you’re becoming is exactly who you’re meant to be,” Nate says against my forehead and I could weep because his words have always been what I needed to hear in moments like this. But Nate has always had a beautiful way with words. It’s something that I’ve been searching for for the last eight years. Turns out, maybe I just needed him.
We stand like this in my kitchen. My hands rest limp at my sides and his hand stays hooked around my neck with his forehead resting against mine. And if I were an irrational person, I would lift my chin and kiss him for the first time in almost eight years. I would lose myself to him in this moment. But I don’t think he would allow that.
“Thank you.” I tell him.
His thumb strokes along the pulse point in my neck and I know he can’t ignore the racing. “You’re welcome. I’m gonna head out.”
Wordlessly I nod and follow him to the front door. And when he gets in his truck and drives away, do I finally take the deepest breath and let it out.
20
NATE
COLLEGE, OCTOBER, SENIOR YEAR
Jax slams the door to my dorm room and flops on my bed. Her shoes clonk onto the floor shortly after.
“Hi, Bee.” I greet from my spot at the desk. Fall baseball season wrapped last week. So while I still have my workouts, they’ve been less strenuous. But bonus is that Jax and I have spent all of our free time together. My feelings for her still burn as bright as the moment I realized I had a crush on her.
“I can’t wait to graduate,” she groans.
I finish highlighting this section in my textbook and turn to face her. Her curly hair is splayed over my pillow and her sweatshirt rides up on her toned midriff. She is my dream woman. “And where would you go?”
“Anywhere you’re at.”
I smile as big as humanly possible and get up to move onto the bed. I crawl between her legs and rest my head on her chest with her hands instantly running down my back. If men could purr I would be doing that.
