Page 23 of Somewhere Only We Know
Her being here and today’s game, makes me feel like a winner in more than one way. When I get back to my team they all dogpile on me for being whipped for the only girl I will ever love.
Woah.Love? I mean, I’m getting to that point. Or I’ve gotten to that point but haven’t put a name to the feeling. Jax has always said it before we went from friends to more. But feeling love for someone in a non-friend way is big. It’s huge. And not something that I’m taking lightly if what I feel for Jax goes beyond the casual like.
13
NATE
PRESENT DAY
Iround the corner and huff as I push my body up the hill in the loop I’ve mapped out. It’s a cloudless day in the city with smells from nearby grills firing up for dinner and cars traveling down the one way street to head home. I’ve passed the street to Jax’s street four times in the last hour. And every time I tell myself to turn and just go to her house. When Kamryn directed me to her place, it hit me just how close we live to each other. We’re close but also so far from the people we used to be.
As I was getting caught up on her recent episodes, it dawned on me how far she’s come in her personal journey. Her voice went from unsure, like she was scared to say the words aloud, to confident, her voice steady and strong, and I’m wondering just how much damage her ex inflicted. And how much was it because of me? Deciding to end my run early, I finally turn down her street with hopes of catching her. All I want is to talk. To hear her voice in real time. If she yells at me I’ll even take that. Because that last text I sent her plays on a constant loop and has sat heavy in the front of mymind for eight years. If I know Jax like I think I do, then it’s sat in her mind too.
It seems luck is on my side as I’m running down the hill when I see Jax, with what looks like her dog, about to set out on a walk.Thanks, Dad. I pause her episode and slip my earbuds out and slow to a jog. I wipe off my brow with my shirt and tuck it back into the back of my shorts. I’m vain enough to hope that my shirtless torso gets her to listen to me. After all, she did love it when I took my shirt off.
I take advantage of the distance and trail my eyes over her. Jax was always who I thought I could never have. But now she’s an irresistible type of woman that I want, but still think I can never have. Her legs are toned and kissed by the sun turning her skin a deep terracotta color, the top she’s wearing shows slivers of her midriff all the way around, and the hat she’s wearing keeps the sun out of her eyes while keeping her curls out of her face. My eighteen year old self would punch the air if he could see who I’m looking at now.
I pick up my speed and make my footfalls known as I smack them on the pavement. Jax moves to the side and looks over her shoulder, but does a double-take when she sees me. The scowl settling on her smooth face would make me laugh if we were on better terms. I keep a good distance between us as I slow down to walk beside her.
“Hey,” I say as one of my first words to her that aren’t around other people.Hey?I say to myself, horrified that I led with those three letters.
Jax ignores me, as to be expected and picks up her pace. But it’s no match for me and I easily catch up to her with my long strides. I always imagined what the first words I said to her would be. I don’t count the bar as me speaking to her as she ignored me like I was nothing more than last week'snews. And despite me running through different scenarios through my head, I’m clearly failing if I can only manage one word. Maybe I underestimated just how angry she would be. During our time as friends, I can’t recall a single time when Jax got angry at someone and maybe that’s why I’m already striking out. Jax disarms me at every turn.
“Can we talk?” I ask and try reaching her that way. Jax was always a talker. It was one of the things I came to love about her. But with me abruptly leaving school, we never got to fully embrace that love the way we were supposed to. Jax’s voice had the innate ability to soothe me when I didn’t even know I needed it. So now I need to be the one to talk. And I’m terrible with words despite my years of media training. But Jax isn’t the media. She’s my Jax and she always has been. “I’m sorry, Jax. I am so fucking sorry for leaving you, us, the way that I did.”
We stop at the crosswalk and I look over at her. Her jaw is clenched and she’s blinking fast as if she’s willing the angry tears away. That’s what I never understood. Why do we cry when we’re angry? Is it an alternative to keep from yelling when that’s one of the more effective ways of getting your point across? Or is crying when angry a defense mechanism?
When the light flashes for us to cross, she does so without saying a word to me and I follow along like her second dog. If she needs me to get on my knees, I’ll do so. Gladly. Bark? Sure. But I don’t do any of that. I need her to hear me out. I want her to hear me out. Jax’s steps are sure as we walk past a smaller park and to one of the larger ones with views of the water. Whether intentional or not, Jax leads us to where there are no other people and unhooks her dog from her leash and tosses a ball.
Small steps.
“You stayed for your Dad,” are the first words she speaks directly to me and not around me. And her voice. God, I have missed the sound of her voice like I miss the sun and heat after days of snow and gray weather.
“I did,” I tell her.
“And how is he?”
It’s like a knife to the gut. When I left she really pushed me out of her mind. I can’t blame her because if I were on the other end I would have too. But her not knowing, stings more than I want it to. “He passed away before I graduated.”
I notice her head turn towards me and then she’s looking up at me with eyes so full of pain for me, and maybe for herself.
“I’m sorry, Nate.”
Those three words are enough to undo me. “Thank you.”
Jax turns and takes the ball from her dog when she trots back over. Her jaw is still clenched and her breath is coming in pants through her nose. It seems to me like Jax hasn’t been able to break and I don’t want to be the cause of her pain.
“Can we start over?” I ask because if anything that’s what I want us to do.
“I–” she clears her throat and tries again. “I don’t know, Nate.”
Her black lab trots back over and plops a foot away from us panting. I never thought of Jax getting a dog. I mean her family had a dog when she was growing up. But pets mean roots and Jax has always talked about wanting her life to be on the go. Helping companies in different cities and maybe other countries. Getting a pet means settling down in one space. Is that what she’s done? Settled?
“I need you back in my life, Bee,” I start and see herflinch at the nickname I gave her and if I’m honest, it hurts saying it. Jax’s chin trembles as she continues to avoid looking at me. And maybe it’s for the best. Because if she were to look at me, I’d either crumble on the spot or skip the talk and kiss her like I used to. Like the way I’ve missed for the last eight years. It’s all consuming. This need to have her back in my world. “There is no way we can forget the past. That’s shaped us to who we are today. But if I’m in your life, even as a friend, then I will hold onto that. I can’t make a promise that I’ll always be here because, as you know, my promises break. What we had was…” I wrack my brain to find a word to describe what we were. The problem being that finding one word to describe us is far from simple. But Jax beats me to it.
“Everything. What we had was everything,” Jax finishes and I see a tear trail down her cheek before she has the chance to swipe it away.
Everything.
