Page 37 of Let It Be Me
“Are you forgetting what I do for work?” She asks and I hear the quiet thump of her phone being set on the nightstand next to her.
I scoot more onto the bed and slide down into the covers more before placing my hands behind my head. “Silly me.”
“So, your routine. Spill it.”
I feel the bed shift as Sarah turns on her side towards me. Sasha stretches out and I give the cat a lethal scowl earning a snort from the beauty next to me.
“Let’s see…I usually do a light yoga sequence to stretch my body, drink a protein smoothie, play with my cats, and yeah that’s it.” I finish quickly.
“You’re lying,” Sarah calls me out. “What else?”
I cover my face with my hands and groan into them.
Sarah pulls my hands away from my face and I feel Sasha run across my legs and jump off the bed with athud. “Tell me.”
“My mom’s favorite singer was Faith Hill. So every game day, I pull up one of her albums and blast it through either the speakers here or if we’re traveling, my headphones. It’s silly and my parents have been gone for more than half my life. But it makes me feel closer to her somehow.” I avoid looking at Sarah as a light sheen of tears forms in my eyes.No one’s ever asked me why Faith Hill is who I listen to. I figured most don’t care for sob stories. But being able to tell Sarah is freeing.
“It’s not silly, Riley,” she starts, voice soft. “I think missing someone and loving them unconditionally isn’t something you can just stop. Time is a bitch at best but what keeps the people we love alive is the memories we have with them.”
I swallow hard and blink my eyes fast to push away the tears. I don’t know what to say to Sarah. Because her saying those things validated every feeling I’ve felt since my parents have been gone.
The bed shifts again as Sarah moves closer. “When my ex came to see me, I finally let go of the breath I had been holding onto since we went long-distance. I felt I was always floating outside of my body. And when he showed up to my house, it was like our time had finally come. This was the moment that I had been waiting for. But that relief was cut short when he dropped the bomb on me. And I decided then and there that I would never love someone so freely like that again. So you are lucky that the love you still feel for your parents is so strong. Because not every kid gets to have that with their parents without conditions.”
“What a pair we are. The boy who loves freely and the girl who guards it.”
“That’s not a bad thing. And Icanlove. I love my best friends. I love my job. I love Cincinnati…” Sarah lists and falls on her back to look up at the ceiling. “But something about loving someone in the eternal sense again scares the shit out of me.” The last few words come out as a whisper. “I realized that I needed to love myself in ways that neither my ex nor my parents ever could. What I was doing was always living up to their expectations, their set rules. Then when I was finally miles away from home I realized that love from them was suffocating me. It’s when I was finally here that I concluded that I actually don’t know what love is and that I won’t love someone until I can finally love myself the way I deserve.”
I turn my head and see her blinking back her own tears. Holding my arm up, she takes the silent invitation and scoots closer, molding her body to my side. Her body tenses, movements choppy and body tense, until she lays her arm over my stomach and rests her head fully on my shoulder. Sarah’s leg soon follows as she throws it over my own. Another part of my pre-game routine I failed to tell her is that sex is off the table. The sexual frustration mixed with the adrenaline from the upcoming game fuels me to where after the game is when I need to blow off steam. So to have her curves molding to my angles is a battle I never thought I’d have to fight.
The tips of Sarah’s fingers trace over a spot on my chest and I sense her wanting to say something. “I was diagnosed as manic depressive last year. Bipolar as most people know it as. My therapist seems to think it’s PTSD brought on by my need to always be perfect and fear of failure.” I feel wetness on my chest from what I’m assuming are her tears and run my hand up and down her back. “Well, I did fail. And on top of that it brought out OCD tendencies. I’d wake up from nightmares screaming and in a cold sweat. My ex told me to get over it. Like it was so easy.”
“So you two never lived together?” I ask softly. Hearing that she’s been suffering and with no support makes me want to rip her ex to shreds.
“We had the occasional sleepover and that’s how he discovered my nightmares.”
What idiot makes someone feel bad for something they can’t control when unconscious? I know after my parentsdied, I couldn’t sleep for months. And as a child I chose not to be a burden to Momma and Pops for taking care of me. But Sarah, the man she was dating, made her out to be an inconvenience.
“If a nightmare happens and you’re with me, I promise to let you know you’re safe.” Her arm tightens around my waist. “You’re safe with me, Sarah.”
I continue to run my hand up and down her back and when her body loses the last of the tension she was carrying, I sense her deep breathing as she slowly falls asleep. Her warm vanilla scent surrounds us and I soak it in. I throw my other arm out and turn the side light off. Kissing Sarah on the top of her head I stare up at the ceiling until sleep takes me.
15
SARAH
Iwake up hot. No. Scratch that. I wake up sweating. Riley’s body melts into mine. Our bodies are flush. One of our hands are intertwined and his other hand curves around my midsection as if he’s afraid I’ll fall off the bed despite us both curled in the middle. No inch of space left untouched. His breathing is still deep and steady and I do my best to not alert him that I’m awake.
I need to reinforce, to not only him, but to myself that this thing between us is fake. But last night threw me for a loop. Him telling me his pre-game routine and how he carries his mom with him. To me telling him about how love will never be in the cards for me. It shifted. We shifted and I need us to straighten back up.
“Why are you thinking so loud?” Riley’s rough morning voice startles me.
I start to move, but he tightens his hold on me. I’m about to answer his rhetorical question when I feel his impressive morning wood wedged between my cheeks. My nipples tighten and my breath stutters. I know Riley can sense the change in me if evident by the small shift in his hips.
“Good morning,” I say and try not to move my body when I speak. In order for us to adhere to the fake part of our relationship, sex needs to not be the main focus. We already know we’re good at that part.
“How did you sleep?” Riley asks.
“Surpris–” my voice is cut off when his hand that’s wrapped around my middle slides under my tank. His fingers lightly trail up my torso and to my pointed nipple.
