Page 93 of Sunshine with You
“Oh, so you’re just pushing everyone away now? That’s a low blow and you know it.” Willa’s stare is withering, and I crumble.
“I… I know. I’m sorry.” Tears drip from my eyes, and I squeeze them tight. Thatwasuncalled for. No matter how bad I feel on the inside, Willa doesn’t deserve that. It was a shitty thing for me to say.
“I forgive you. Now lose the attitude, and get dressed.” She marches back to my bedroom, giving me more grace than I’ve been able to give myself this week. Drawers open and close while she mutters obscenities from the back of my apartment. I roll off the couch and follow her. “Here!” She throws a T-shirt, leggings, and undies at me. “Get in the shower. I’ll grab the rest of your stuff.”
“What stuff, Wills? Where are we going?”
“You ask too many damn questions, Ash.Just go.”
“What’s the big deal?”Willa’s been trying to convince me to get out of the car for ten minutes now. I admit, the warm sun streaming through the windows is rejuvenating against my skin. It’s a beautiful day outside, but I can’t do it. “You used to do this all the time.”
I shake my head as a lump forms in my throat. People say taking a break from doing something you love can make it harder to come back to it, and that’s the type of dread rifling through me as we sit in the McMahon Center parking lot. What if all the wonderful memories are sullied by walking in there feeling the way I do right now.
“I don’t know,” I say, biting my nail. “It’s…been too long. What if I don’t like it anymore. What if I’m not good at it anymore?”
“Ash, this isn’t open heart surgery. It’s a hobby. No one cares if you hate it or you’re no good.”
“I care.” Shaking my head again, I sink into the leather. I used to love swimming, so what about it has me terrified enough to freeze me in this passenger seat? What’s so petrifying about the one thing that gave me an escape? The pool was my sanctuary. I only had myself to impress. That’s what I loved about it. I could jump in the water and all my worries would wash away.
“How about this?” Willa’s voice edges on frustration as she tries to convince me. “Just come into the locker room, put on the suit, and decide about the water later. You can lounge in a chair if you don’t want to get in.” She leans forward and peers at me like she would an irrational teenager. I guess I’m not too far from acting like one lately, so it’s fitting.
“Okay.” I blow out a breath, slowly unfolding myself from the seat as I reach for the door handle.
Trepidation builds in the pit of my stomach with each step toward the front door. I feel so far removed from the person who used to love this.What if my passion for it has fizzled out? If I discover I no longer enjoy this outlet, it will gut me more than I already am. It will leave me floundering in the worst way.It’ll prove I’m a failure.
Willa hands over a swim cap with a small bottle of conditioner inside and a faded blue one-piece suit. It’s the first one I received after becoming team captain in college. The yellow lettering barely clings to the worn, stretchy fabric. Of all the suits she could have grabbed, she would have had to dig deep in my stash to find this. When I glance at her, she has a twinkle in her eye and a knowing smile on her face.
“I thought you could use a little reminder of who you are. You’re the captain of your life, Ashlie.Youdecide the path forward.Yousteer your ship any way you want it to go, around anything oranyonetrying to get in your way.” Willa squeezes my arm as I trace over the letters on my bathing suit. “You’ve just gotten a little lost on the voyage and could use a compass recalibration. Don’t let your worry keep you from your joy, sis.” With another squeeze, she walks inside, leaving me to decide which direction I want to steer this catastrophic vessel.
Don’t let your worry keep you from your joy. My dad’s smile from that first jump in the pool flashes through my mind. I begged him to teach me how to swim for weeks, but as soon as I saw the rippling water, nothing could convince me I wouldn’t inhale it all the second I dove in. He tried everything he could think of to get me into the pool. But just like now, I was stubborn as hell. After a while, the only thing he could do was set me on the edge and wait for me to decide for myself. I can still hear his words in my head:
“You know, there’s nothing wrong with feeling nervous.But don’t let your worry keep you from your joy.You won’t know what fun you’re missing if you never jump in the pool.”
Dad sat poolside with me for close to an hour. The excited bellows of other kids splashing in the water made me jealous enough to find some courage. I tipped forward until I lost my balance, falling into the water face first. A surprised yelp from Dad registered in my ears just as my face hit the water, his arms wrapping around me right after I submerged. The panic on his face switched to surprise once he realized I was laughing.
The memory of Dad’s hearty chuckle as he dropped me back in the water brings a smile to my face. A tear slips down my cheek as I finally accept that I’ve been letting my anxiety stop me for too long. Somewhere along the way, I started believing the worry was the compass, letting it guide me in all the wrong directions. Allowing the wrong people to change my course. I’ve been holdingmyselfback.Enough is enough.
I march into the locker room and put on the suit. As I prep my hair for the chlorine, it feels like I’m gearing up for battle. Sectioning my curls into chunky twists, soaking my strands in the shower, smoothing on conditioner. Each step adds another layer of courage until I’m confidently snapping the swim cap on my head.You can do this.
My feet dangle in the water, and I use my shimmering reflection as the recalibration I so desperately need. I dive in—headfirst. My movements are slow, the long-underused muscles warming up as I glide back and forth across the pool. Soon, I’m practicing strokes I haven’t done in years, the cool water clearing away my doubts and worries until I come out with a giant smile on my face.
“There she is!” Willa grins from her lounge chair after I’ve exhausted myself in the pool. “I knew you’d figure it out, girl.”
I smile back and pull myself out of the water to sit next to her. Removing my swim cap, I shake my soaking wet twists in her face, just like I used to do when we were kids.
She squeals and throws up her hands as a shield from the droplets. “Okay, I don’t missthat! Seriously, Ashlie?”
“Hey, this was allyouridea.” I smile, still breathing hard from my laps.
“Yeah, there’s something else…” She slips her hand into her tote bag and pulls out my old ID card for the LA County Recreational Centers. The picture is probably seven years old, but it’s me, smiling without a care in the world. “I went ahead and renewed your annual membership. That way you have no excuses for not coming out here to swim again.”
“Thanks…but I’m confused. How did you know I had a membership here? I haven’t been in years, and we weren’t exactly talking back then.”
She shrugs, smiling. “Hunter mentioned it might help you feel better. Told me not to tell you though.”
My heart kickstarts, like the mention of his name is my own personal defibrillator. “You’re talking to Hunter?”
“He was worried about how you’re doing and asked me. When I told him you’ve been wasting away on your couch, he told me to get you in the pool. Dropped me a location pin and everything. He even offered to pay for the membership, but I didn’t take him up on that part.”
