Page 45 of Sunshine with You
“You know what the hell I’m talking about, man. Did you kiss her? Sleep with her? What?”
“Can you talk any louder? I don’t think the bears heard you.”
“Hunter.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “What are youthinking? You know your sister’s going to lose it on you. That’s her best friend.”
“Naw, Kayla’s not gonna lose it becauseyou’renot telling her. Now are we running or what?”
“Or what.” He nudges my shoulder and jogs down the dirt covered path, not bothering to wait for me to join him. “You’re telling me what happened on the trail,” he calls.
I set up the music in my earbuds, heavy bass blasting so loud it liquifies my thoughts as I catch up to Chase. We both grew up running on track teams, but he stopped after high school while I ran throughout college. He’s good at distance, but I’m faster and able to catch up to him in a couple of minutes. The spongy trail is only a few miles long, so we jog side-by-side until we spot a glade covered in copper and rust-colored leaves. Trees surround the clearing, branches clinging to their last signs of warmer weather. Like we’ve got some kind of internal competition meter, Chase and I glance at each other and take off for the clearing. I let him gain the lead for a few seconds, playing mind games to make him think he’s bested me. But right before we get to the end of the trail, I push with everything I have to edge forward. I slip out an earbud, grinning ear to ear as the annoyance on Chase’s face melts into amusement.
“You tricked me,” he says, breathing hard as he crosses his arms over his head.
“Naw, you got rusty. Don’t blame me.” I grab my hips, gulping the mountain air. We slowly pace around the clearing, letting our breathing slow.
“So, what is this?” Chase asks after a while. “Ash is strictly into relationships.”
“I know that!” I snap. He whistles, recognition falling across his face, and my eyes dart to the ground.
“Oh, youlike-like her.” He chuckles as he pieces it all together. “Wait, look at me again. Let me see it in your face.”
“Bruh, fuck off.” I try to knock his arm with my elbow, but he dodges out of the way, laughing.
“Ooh, you’ve got it bad. I don’t even know the last time you were into someone. So spill it. What happened last night?”
“A lot… Everything.”
His eyes widen. “Like,everything-everything?”
“What are you, a parrot? Yes,everything. She initiated it, but I didn’t put a stop to it. And she wanted to sweep it all under the rug this morning, but I’m—I can’t stop thinking—I…”
“You’re—wait… Are youinlovewith Ashlie?” All the teasing humor has left his face as he watches me. I don’t admit it right away. The thought of saying it out loud makes me want to crawl out of my skin and find a bear cave to hide in. “Are you, man?”
Leaning against a tree trunk, I look up through the barren branches and nod.
“Oh, shit!” Chase whistles. “Dude, that’s… I mean, it’s big. Uh… Does she know?”
“Hell no. No one knows…except Willa.”
“Hold on. You told her estranged sister before you told me? Should I be offended?” He whacks my shoulder, trying to lighten the serious tone our conversation has taken.
“Naw, I didn’t tell Willa. She figured it out on her own.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing.” I shrug, rubbing the back of my neck. “Ash wants to pretend like last night never happened, so that’s what we’re doing.”
“I’m confused. You love her, but you don’t want to be with her?”
“I…can’t. You said it yourself; she doesn’t do casual flings, and we all know I can’t do serious relationships.”
“Eh… Youcan. You just won’t.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Just that you’d much rather cut and run before anyone gets too close to you. You call it ‘avoiding unnecessary drama,’ but it’s really your fear of being abandoned holding you back. You’ve been this way since your parents’ divorce.” He shrugs, waiting for my reaction. When I don’t say anything, he continues, “Look, take my advice or don’t, but if you’re really doing nothing about this Ashlie thing, you’ve got to leave her alone.All the wayalone. If you can’t offer a stable commitment to her, you need to shut this down and let her find someone who can. If you really love her, you need to guard her happiness, even if it means protecting her from yourself.”
I puff out a breath. How do I reconcile my best friend’s wisdom with the way I feel after last night? He’s not wrong about any of it—me, my fear, Ashlie. It’s all true, which makes my feelings surrounding our time together even harder to deal with. I love her. I’ve loved her for years, but I have to bury this and let her move on. We can be friends, and I can keep loving her quietly while I hide in my little corner of commitment issues. “You’re right,” I say. “She deserves more. I can’t give her what she needs.”
