Page 32 of Hawk
Zeus lifted his head from the ground next to me, and I looked down at my companion. “I hope I’m not making a huge mistake.”
His pointed ears turned toward me and he stood up next to me. I rubbed his head, and he offered me a lick on the back of my hand before trotting off into the yard to sunbathe some more.
Hawkins returned and handed me a bottle of water before retaking his seat. For the next few minutes, we passed the joint back and forth, and like always, the guilt started to creep in about having to use it for my anxiety.
When he offered it back to me, I lifted my hand to decline, suddenly feeling like I wasn’t good enough to meet Hailey. Guilt and shame were normal for me, but something about the realization that, in a few days, I would be face to face with my daughter gave me pause. Hawkins, somehow sensing my worry, tossed the roach into the small ashtray on the table and turned his full attention to me.
“Tell me what’s going through your beautiful head, darlin’.”
The word ‘beautiful’ stood out, but I glossed over it and the affectionate name as I tried to rationalize my response. Finally, I just said it. “What if I’m a disappointment to Hailey? What if she hates that I use weed to relax? What if she’s embarrassed about me? What if—”
“First of all, almost everyone I know uses weed to help them relax, including Hailey.” I deflated some at his admission as he continued. “Second, Hailey won’t be embarrassed by you, she’ll be proud of the woman you are and everything you overcame. I promise, she’s got a good heart, and that’s all because of you.”
I went to shake my head, trying to deny his statement, when he added, “Do you know one of the memories she has of you that’s crystal clear is when you used to sing her to sleep every night? She remembers a beautiful woman who showed her love and kindness. She’s not judgmental. None of us are. You just have to start seeing yourself like I do.”
Quietly, I asked, “And how do you see me?”
I was terrified of his answer, knowing he saw things I never wanted anyone to see. He witnessed beatings, rapes, and degradation done to me almost daily. When he finally spoke, my heart lifted in my chest.
“I see the most beautiful woman I know fighting her demons to have a better life. I see a survivor, a warrior, and a badass. You’re amazing, Stella, and I promise you, if you trust me, you’ll find the family you’ve been searching for. You just have to trust me.”
“I . . . I do trust you. Unlike anyone ever in my life.”
He brought his hand to mine and linked our fingers together before responding. “Then trust me to guide you through this uncertain time, and when you get to the other side, I’ll be standing there, waiting for you to cross the finish line.”
Normally, I wouldn’t believe someone if they told me they’d be standing by my side, but his words were reassuring. There was something that was nagging at the back of my head, so I had to ask.
“The man you spoke with said something about a picture. What’s he talking about?”
“Devlin found an old picture of you on MySpace and gave it to Hailey. I realized how small the world was when I got a glance at it, and that’s how I ended up here,” he explained.
“But . . . but I didn’t go by Stella when you knew me,” I quietly whispered and felt the mood shift inside me.
Hawkins scooted his chair closer to mine before he spoke. “I may not have known you by your real name all those years ago, but I could never forget your beautiful face. It’s stuck with me since the first time I laid eyes on you, and when I began to put the pieces together, I realized how tangled our pasts really are.”
“I guess that makes sense,” I admitted and watched as he slowly lifted his hand to my cheek.
On instinct, I leaned into his touch and felt electricity shoot through me as he brushed his thumb across my cheek. His voice lowered as he began to speak, “I’ll never say the name you were called, but for years, you’re all I thought about. I didn’t want to upend your recovery and the start of your new life, but I never forgot about you.” I blushed and tried to look down when he said, “How could I? You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. Inside and out.”
Smiling, I replied, “I never forgot about you either.”
He offered a smile that lit up his handsome face and I worried he was going to want something from me that I didn’t know if I could offer. He was a man who had needs and a part of me feared I wouldn’t be able to satisfy those urges. It took everything inside me to keep the expression on my face neutral as he removed his hand from my cheek and sat back in his chair.
“So, what do you do around here for fun?” he asked, changing the subject and pushing the heavy stuff to the back burner.
“I mostly work, but there are some good theaters, a couple of outdoor activities like mini-golf, and some of the locals enjoy fishing and boating. Is there something specific you had in mind?”
“What doyoudo for fun, I should ask.”
Shrugging, I thought about it and realized I didn’t have much of an active social life. I had very few girlfriends and no one ever came to my house. In some respects, I was still living in a prison, only this one I’d created for myself.
“Do you think Zeus will be okay by himself for a little while?” he inquired, glancing over his shoulder at my snoring companion.
“I’m sure he will be. He usually goes to work with me, but he’s fine by himself. Why?”
Hawkins stood from his seat and offered me his hand. I placed mine into his and stood, facing him but leaving a few feet between us.
He smiled down at me and replied, “I thought we could take a drive before it gets dark.”
