Page 21 of Gunner
I opened the door and squinted into the bright sun as a worried Smokey stood with Piper. He looked into the room and straight in my eyes as he asked, “Where’s Sadie? Her car’s gone, and Jacob is looking for her.”
I sighed and stepped aside for them to enter the room. Walking to the kitchen, I pulled two bottles of water from the fridge and downed one completely before slowing down to sip the other. I was still wearing the same clothes from last night, and I smelled like stale liquor and regret.
Piper twisted her hands in front of her and kept glancing at the bed while Smokey stood in the middle of my cabin with his meaty arms crossed over his chest. I walked back into the room and sat down on the couch, letting my head hang down as I remembered the painful look in her eyes when she left last night.
“She’s gone, and I fucked up royally last night,” I admitted and felt Smokey’s anger radiate across the room at me. “She’ll never forgive me.”
“Did you force her?” Piper shrieked, and I snapped my head up in anger.
“Hell no. I would never force her or any woman,” I replied, and Smokey took a step closer to me.
I looked up at my president and knew I fucked up with more than Sadie. He turned his head over his shoulder. “Piper, honey. Get the boy fed and take him home to his sister.”
She nodded with her chin trembling and stepped off the small porch. Smokey slammed the door and turned to me with rage in his eyes.
“What the fuck happened?”
I sighed and leaned back. “I let a club slut blow me last night, and Sadie must have seen it,” I reasoned and looked up in time to see a tattooed fist flying toward my face.
The hit stunned me, and I fell to the floor in a heap as he stood over me, clenching his hands and muttering curses under his breath. I checked my face for blood and wiggled my jaw as Smokey extended his hand to me. With his help, I got off the floor and fell back onto the couch as he paced the room in front of me.
“Why would you do something so fucking stupid? And to someone as sweet as Sadie? She’s been nothing but loyal to you and the club, and you betray her with a club slut?” His voice echoed into the room as he shook his head, and Bear popped his head up from his pillow to investigate the disturbance.
I ran my hand through my greasy blond hair and cast my gaze to the floor. “I don’t know why I did it. I knew it was a mistake and I did it anyway. I brought the woman to the side of the house, almost like I wanted Sadie to see, and I didn’t try to stop her last night when she left. What the fuck is wrong with me, Smokey?”
He exhaled deeply and pulled a chair from the table, and placed it in front of me. I looked at the man who saw more in me than I saw in myself and waited for him to speak. He stared at me for several long minutes, his tattooed hand stroking his graying beard, and his leg crossed over one knee. His cut was open, and the club colors were inked across his broad chest.
“Do you still talk to the counselor the VA sent you to?” he asked, and I shook my head.
“That quack wanted to drug me up and thought group therapy was a good idea. The last thing I need is to share what’s up here,” I tapped my temple before continuing, “with a group of strangers.”
“What’s up there is what caused last night. You’ve been destructive since you prospected with the club, and I thought by channeling your aggression into the armory and gun range, you would finally deal with whatever demons are still chasing you,” he reasoned and I let my gaze move to a random spot on the far wall. “I thought Sadie could help quiet the memories, but I was obviously wrong.”
“How do I fix this with her?” I asked, and he sighed as he leaned forward, propping his forearms against his knees.
“You let me check you into counseling and you do the hard work. When you come back, you make her see that it wasn’t her or her issues that made you do it, but something fucked up in your mind. She needs to know she’s not so damaged that the man who professed to love her would rather cheat than to try with her.”
“She’ll never forgive me. And I don’t blame her. I purposely hurt her so she would leave me,” I admitted and struggled to catch my breath.
My heart was racing and my palms were sweating as Bear appeared at my feet, pushing his head into my hand and urging me to shift my focus to him. Smokey watched as I fought to catch my breath, and after a few minutes of stroking the dog’s head, I felt the panic subside. My insides vibrated with residual adrenaline as I met his gaze.
Smokey stood and sat next to me, gently placing his hand on my back. “A woman can forgive anything if you show her how truly sorry you are. Let me handle Sadie, and you work on getting yourself better.”
“What about the club?” I asked, worried my actions with Sadie would jeopardize my standing with the Death Hounds.
“The club will support you and will have your back when you need it.” I nodded, and he slapped me on the back. “Get showered and pack a bag. We’re leaving in an hour.”
With those words, he left me alone with Bear in my cabin. Looking around, I could see Sadie in everything. Memories of her dancing around the living room as Jacob did his homework, or her resting her head on my chest as she read a book filled the small space, and I swiped an errant tear from my eyes.
I took a quick shower using cold water to jolt me awake. Bear watched on in concern, and I rubbed his head when I walked back into the living room to get dressed. After pulling on a pair of well-fitted blue jeans and a black T-shirt, I shoved some clothes into a small bag.
I knew Sadie wouldn’t want to see me, let alone hear me apologize for my betrayal, so I pulled a pad of paper from the desk drawer and sat down to write her a note. I poured myself into the letter, telling her how sorry I was, and how I hoped she was able to give someone her heart in the future. I wanted nothing but the best for her and I was far from acceptable.
The anxiety and voice telling me how worthless I was were growing in intensity as I signed the letter, expressing one more time how much I loved her and how sorry I was. After sealing the envelope, I slid it into my back pocket and took one final look around my cabin.
Lifting my cut from the hook near the door, I pulled it on and looked down at an attentive Bear as I spoke softly, “I’m sorry, buddy.”
He licked my hand, and together, we walked out of the cabin into the bright, sunny morning. Brothers were sitting on their front porches, and I felt like everyone knew what I did as I walked past them, keeping my eyes on the back of the brick clubhouse. When I walked into the kitchen, I heard Piper mumbling under her voice and I knew nothing I said could be used as justification for my actions, so I kept my mouth shut.
