Page 9 of Embracing My Nightmare
I shook my head and wiped away the tears that had fallen. Taking another sip of my wine, I continued, “When the day was winding down, we packed up and were loading the car when a man walked up to them. They both seemed happy to see him until he said something to them and pointed at me. They panicked and shoved me into the backseat before moving away to talk to him. He yelled at them, and after a few minutes, he left and they got in the car. The whole drive home, they got more and more angry. It scared me since they had been nothing but nice to me.”
I chewed on my lip as the rest of the evening came into focus. Standing from the table, I walked to the patio door and closed it, cutting off the cool breeze as I grabbed a bottle of water. Suddenly, the need to get drunk was pushed deep down as I let the past return.
“They dragged me out of the car by my arm and it felt like they would pull it out of the socket. I stumbled to keep up with them as they pulled me through the house and shoved me into my bedroom.” I rubbed my arms and stared out the window, watching the boats glide across the water as I let the words spill from me. “He took off his belt,and she held me down on the bed as he whipped me. I felt the blood trickle down my back and butt as he continued swinging. Finally, she let me go and he just stopped. They told me if I ever told another living soul what they did, they would kill me and the person I told. I looked into their eyes and I knew they were telling the truth, so I endured their abuse. Every day, they found a new depraved way to make my life a living hell. I still don’t know what I did to make them so angry.”
“I’m sorry you had to live through that, sweetheart. No one deserves that to happen to them, to have to put up with that kind of abuse.” His brown eyes were glistening as he sat at the table, a silent witness to my tale of misery.
“I don’t understand what I did that was so wrong. Why did they hate me so much? Why even adopt me if they were going to do that to me? If they were going to . . .” Tears rolled down my face as Chuck’s strong arms wrapped around me, the words cut off by his warm and loving embrace.
I turned and buried my face in his chest, letting the loneliness and despair purge from me.Why did my real family throw me away? Why did they hate me so much? Why did he save me from the torment?
Chuck pushed me back slightly and lifted my chin, staring deeply into my tear-filled eyes with a sad smile. Exhaling a deep breath, he walked me to the couch and sat down next to me.
“Can I ask you something?”
I nodded, my tears slowing as I waited for his inquisition. I wouldn’t tell anyone what happened that night, but I would try to be as truthful as I could with him. Out of everyone in my life, he deserved my honesty more than anyone.
“Why did you finally use the money?”
“I lived through hell and I shouldn’t have to kill myself to have a life. I didn’twantto spend the money, but if I could use it to lessen the stress, then I would. Paying off my student loans was the best way I could think to give myself a real chance at a future. Was I wrong?”
“No, sweetheart. You know we would have gladly paid for your education, but I understand why you wanted to do it on your own. I also understand that you lived with a weight on your shoulders they placed there, and that wasn’t fair to you. If using the money helps make your life easier, then I’m glad that you spent it.” He smiled at me, and the disappointment I feared he might have was absent.
We sat in the quiet apartment and sipped our drinks, lost in our pasts. I was used to the silence with us and it became a comfort to have someone who understood that sometimes, the demons screamed louder than the angels. His gaze was locked on the glass doors leading to the patio when his words filled the silent apartment.
“When I was thirteen, I ran away from home. My parents were drug addicts who blamed me and my younger brother for everything wrong in their lives. He was elevenand I was terrified they would kill us if we stayed. We packed a bag, took the last of the food and any money we could find, and took off. We made it almost two hundred miles from them in the first week.”
He paused long enough to grab himself a fresh beer and a bottle of water for me. He leaned over, his elbows on his knees as he glanced at me. I could see the hollow look in his eyes, the same as in mine, and it all began to make sense. He had never spoken of a brother or any family, so I knew this was painful for him to talk about.
“What happened?” I asked, sipping the water as I listened to his story of pain and betrayal.
“We survived alone for a couple of weeks. I was able to earn money doing odd jobs, and when we arrived in Portstill, we met up with a group of kids who had a good set-up going. They became our new family, and for the first time, things were looking up. We found a warehouse on the edge of town that had been vacant for years and it became our home. Running water, secure, private, and most importantly,no one knew we were squatting there.” He finished his beer and sat the empty bottle on the coffee table in front of him.
Turning on the couch to face me, I mirrored his position and waited for him to continue. Chuck seldom showed deep emotionand I was beginning to understand why.
“When I turned eighteen, I enlisted in the Army. I had gotten my GED online at the library and I knew it was my one chance at a future.”
“What . . . what about your brother?” I asked, confusion swirling in my head as he smiled sadly.
“His name is Cameronand he had run away from the group two years prior to me enlisting with a couple of the others. When he turned fourteen, he had become wild and untamed without real adult supervision. We tried, but they . . .” He ran his hands through his dark cropped hair. “They didn’t like the rules we had set up and we had a huge fight. The next morning, six of them were gone. I searched for him, but eventually, I had to give up. I couldn’t report him missing since we had run away, and I didn’t want the state to step in and put him in a group home. I left for basic training and hoped that when I returned, he would have come back, or at least, someone would have heard from him. I sent money to my friends, hoping he would show up, and after a year, I finally got leave to come home. I found out one of the girls he left with had died in an apparent suicide and he was still a ghost.”
“Have you ever found him?” I asked as I reached out and grasped his hand.
He shook his head regrettably,and the tears began to build behind my eyes. “I searched for years but eventually realized he would only be found if he wanted to be. He’d be thirty-five this year, if he’s even still alive. Blaire helped me look, and a few years ago, I thought I had a lead on him, but it was a dead endand I resolved to stop torturing myself. I kept my information public so he could find me if he wanted, but I had to move on with my life. I had to bury the past or threaten to get buried by it. Do you understand what I mean?”
I nodded, realizing I had been harboring the abuse and pain of rejection deep in my heart. For that one moment, I forgot about the promise of my dark savior’s return. I had to live my life and experience as much as I could, while I could.
“Thanks for trusting me,” I reasoned with Chuck as he stood and pulled me into another hug.
“We love you, Elise. I promise, nothing bad can happen from letting us in.”
I locked the door after he left and stood on my patio, my arms draped across the cold banister as I looked out over Pierce Bluff and exhaled the lungful of air I had been holding my entire life. Determined not to let my nightmares win, I went to bed with the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.
***
Devlin
LISTENING TO HER TELLher foster father about her abuse had my blood boiling again. Seeing him comfort her, the tears soaking into his shirt that should have been soaking into mine was tearing me apart. I punched a hole in the wall as I listened to her cry, wondering why no one ever wanted her. The blood dripped down my fingers, dotting the wooden floor as I paced the apartment, her voice filling the speakers as she purged a small portion of her pain.
