Page 7 of Embracing My Nightmare
I’m always watching.
That night, the nightmares visited me just as vividly and confusing as the first time they occurred. Nightmares I never understood and was too scared to dig into, afraid to discover more trauma than I was ready to handle. Nightmares that had stopped the first time I sawhim. I woke up covered in sweat and twisted in the covers, grasping at my chest as I willed my heart to slow and my breathing to normalize.
After double checking all the locks, I sat on the couch and thought back to his touch, his words, and the intense need I had for him. I found myself back in bed, my newest vibrator humming between my legs as I orgasmed to the thought of him and what he could do to me. What Iwantedhim to do to me.
Over the next few weeks, I reduced my shifts at the tavern. Every time I walked into the building, my heart would go crazy and I would silently scan the room to see if he had returned. Every time, it disappointed me. Hayden tried to get me back in his bed, but I knew I couldn’t be involved with him, or anyone really, until I knew the reasons for all the darkness and anger in my past.
“Are you sure you can’t stay on? At least through Fourth of July?” Hayden asked during my last shift at Falcon’s Tavern. I chose a day shift so I could be gone before the regulars came in. I hated goodbyes, even if I planned to still come in and have a drink from time to time.
Smiling up at him, I brushed a fallen lock of hair from his eyes. “It’s time for me to move on and it’s time for you to stop fucking every single woman who walks through the door. You deserve more than that.”
The last time I was with Hayden, I knew I couldn’t cross that line with him again. I knew he gave me a goodbye, and since that night, my toys had been getting a good workout. In a different life, maybe, I could be with Hayden, but something destined me to be attracted to the one person who had the power to destroy me.
And I knew nothing about him.
Hayden pulled me against his hard body and kissed my cheek. “I wouldn’t have to fuck them ifyouwould be mine.” His amber eyes were sad as I extracted myself from his grip.
I shook my head and grabbed my purse, looking over at the new bartender mixing cocktails and pouring beers like a pro. Turning back to Hayden, I kissed his cheek again. “We’re better as friends. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t have many people I can count on and I can’t screw this up with you. Besides, I think you may have found your match.”
Smirking, I nodded to the blonde bombshell who was flawlessly flirting with a regular as she checked on another customer. I had seen the way he reacted when I was training her last week and I recognized that there was a mutual attraction between them. Hayden nodded and gave me a wink as he sauntered up to her and I silently slipped out the door.
My fourth-floor apartment was a silent tomb when I walked in and tossed my keys to the side table by the door. I locked the two deadbolts and slid the chain into place as I kicked off my boots, allowing my aching feet to breathe. Pouring myself a glass of wine, I walked into my bedroom and changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top.
I sipped on the fruity wine, staring out the patio window onto the lake. It was across the street and all the units of the building had a clear view of the expansive body of water. Pierce Bluff was founded close to a hundred years ago when the Pierce brothers discovered the large hidden lake tucked into a heavily wooded forest. The three men bought the landand the rest is history.
I opened the patio door and stepped out into the last rays of sunlight as the night swallowed the day. Fear used to rule my nights, but I hadn’t had a nightmare since the night he found me again. One dream was so cruel and confusing, it bordered on crazy. I shook my head and finished the last swallow in my glass before going back into the kitchen for a refill. I heard my cell phone beep from my purse and cursed myself for having forgotten to let Chuck and Blaire know how my last shift at the tavern went.
Plugging my phone in to charge, I opened my messages and saw my best friend from college had finally gotten back from her honeymoon. She and her fiancé eloped to the Bahamas last week, surprising everyone with a wedding announcement on social media. Typical Paula.
Paula: Hey bitch! You around?
Me: I just got home from the tavern. Last shift today.
Paula: I bet Hayden was acting like a wounded puppy. Lol.
Me: He wasn’t that bad. I diverted his attention to the new girl. He’ll be fine.
Paula: Lunch this week to catch up?
Me: Sounds perfect!
I sat the phone down and poured another glass of wine. Looking at the two unopened bottles and knowing I was off for another two days, I decided to relax and unwind. I walked over to my purse and grabbed the small bag I got from Hayden when I arrived at the tavern. He insisted I take it and chill out for the weekend. Rolling a joint out of the sticky, stinky weed, I walked back to the patio and sparked it.
Holding the smoke in my lungs until I felt the burning deep down in my chest, I blew into the air and hoped my asshole neighbors didn’t call the cops. I hadn’t met many of the people in the small building, and to be truthful, I liked it that way. The person who lived directly above me on the top floor remained a total mystery. I hadn’t heard a peep from them in the three years I lived here, and I wondered if they traveled or were just extremelyprivate like I was.
Enjoying the buzz that overtook me, I stared out at the water, wishing sometimes I could flow away with the soft waves. I had become a master at hiding in plain sight, and sometimes, I wondered who I really was.
Where did I come from?
Who are my parents?
Why didn’t they want me?
I had no real memory of anything before I was found in the church, and with the condition they discovered me in, well . . . it's betternot to disrupt that hornets’ nest.
Snubbing the half-smoked joint out in the ashtray, I sipped my wine. My arms and legs were tingling and my head was floaty as I watched the lights of the boats reflect off the lake. I didn’t smoke often, but I needed a break from the images running through my mind. Leaning back in my chair, I closed my eyes, smiling at the peaceful moment, afraid deep down that it would be one of the last I had for a while.
