Page 5 of The Soul that Redeems Me
As I watched her swallow the pill, I was beginning to get a better picture of Emily. She had dealt with so much and when she lost her parents, she began to keep secrets from Andrew, afraid he would become more protective of her than he already was. He explained his overwhelming guilt at what Emily had endured and he tried to allow her the freedom a college student needed, all while worrying she would somehow be harmed again.
It wasn’t a healthy way for either of them to live, but today was not the time to address the importance of honesty within the family. Today, I needed her to lean on me and let me help her. I had smelled the familiar scents of the hospital when we walked in and I felt her tense next to me. I felt the need to take her hand in mine, hoping to give her the strength to continue.
When she confided in me what she was feeling by being at the hospital, her reaction earlier made more sense. I was having difficulty being here and not remembering the last days of my mother’s life, hooked up to machines breathing for her. A painful past that I try not to dwell on but certain things triggered the agonizing memories and I was still figuring out ways to deal with them.
The quiet of the waiting room stretched around us and I felt like maybe today would be a good day to help her deal with an issue without drawing too much attention to my own past. That could be saved for a later time when she was able to listen without feeling sorry for me or herself. Not that I assume she is feeling sorry for herself, but anxiety attacks can trigger self-doubt and loathing and I wanted to tread carefully when I told my truth.
“When I was 8 years old, my biological mother got sick and there was no family to take care of me. She was in and out of the hospital for the next few years and I spent a lot of time in the halls of hospitals. I said my final goodbye the day after Christmas, just before my twelfth birthday. The smell in here reminds me of all the time we spent in and out of the wards, me finding a couch or the nurses getting me a cot to sleep on since there wasn’t anyone at the house to take care of me. I thought I was over it but being here has got me thinking about her more and more. She would have liked you.” I tell her, hoping to make her understand that everyone has issues and there is no shame in letting others know you need help, either with medication or other methods.
She had placed her small hand over her plump, kissable lips and tears glistened in her eyes at my telling of the story. I never wanted to upset her with my truth and I hoped I didn’t make her issues worse.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel, well, not exactly, but…” her hand moved to cover my mouth to stop my rambling.
“Thank you for sharing that with me, Josh. I never want to pry into your past but thank you for telling me.” She inhaled a large breath, exhaled and continued, “It’s not the smell so much as the combination of sounds, smells, and memories. I try not to think about it, hoping to be able to move on when something as small as latex gloves and alcohol cause me to nearly hyperventilate. The last time I was in a hospital was when Andrew and I had to identify our parents after the wreck. Andrew left me with the detectives while he went into the room and confirmed what the police already knew. The look on his face when he came out still haunts me, his eyes filled with tears and his hands shaking from the grief. I remember falling to the floor, crying as he engulfed me in a hug, us rocking back and forth. The detectives gave us privacy to mourn the best two people I have ever met. I don’t have much memory ofmytime in the hospital and for that, I’m very thankful. I guess being here today with Andrew and Caroline about to have a baby, I realize my parents will never get to meet their grandchildren and it makes it more real. I miss them every day. I think they would have liked you too, Josh.” Her large, expressive eyes gave me a glimpse into her soul, showing me the beautiful light shining inside of her.
I gently kissed the hand that was still over my mouth, linking her fingers into mine as I stared at her, trying to convey my feelings without giving myself away. Today was not the time for me to declare my love for her.
Yes, I loved her!I fell in love with her the night I held her in my arms at the roadhouse and swayed to the music engulfing us. I knew then, she had a secret that she was carrying and I knew, no matter what it was, I would never,notlove her.
We allowed the sounds of the hospital waiting room to overtake our conversation, no more words needing to be spoken. She had given me a small amount of her burden, allowing me to carry it for her. I wanted to take the weight of the world off her shoulders, hoping to give her life back the happiness she deserved. We sat, our hand intertwined when Joe walked in with a small and knowing smile on his face.
I think Joe and Lisa had figured out the depth of my feelings for Emily, but so far, my friends have yet to figure out the true seriousness of my feelings for her. I hadn’t touched another woman in over a year. No one compared to Emily and I don’t want to scratch an itch and have Emily think less of me. I could control my libido and I’d wait for her until she wasmineor she tells me she doesn’t feel the same about me.
Joe hands us our coffee and sits down, just as his phone begins to ring. “It’s Lucas.” He informed us before answering the call. “Hey, Lucas. How’s my girl? Really? Yeah, we’re in the waiting room and Lisa is in the back with Andrew and Caroline. Okay, I’ll let everyone know. Yup, see you soon.” Laughing, he disconnected the call.
“Well, looks like Maddie couldn’t be outdone by her sister. She is in active labor and her OB is sending her directly here to get her admitted. It looks like both babies will be here at close to the same time. Wait until Lisa gets back out here. She is going to be so excited!” Joe explained as he began pacing back and forth in front of Emily and me, the biggest smile I have ever seen from him expressing his utter joy.
“Leave it to Maddie and Caroline to be the sisters to deliver their babies on the same day! Has Lucas called Jason?” I asked Joe, trying to get his attention. I could tell he was eager to tell his wife about the great news and was barely keeping his joy contained.
“I told him I would give Jason a call and let him know. They are only a few miles from here so I expect them to be arriving soon,” he absently remarked as he started looking down the hall toward Caroline’s room.
“Uncle Joe, why don’t you go and find Aunt Lisa and Josh can call Jason and let him know?” Emily recognized that the nervous Papa-to-be was eager to find his wife and share the news.
Joe engulfed Emily in a hug, nodded his agreement, and made his way toward the nurse’s station to find Lisa. You could tell just by the way he walked he was trying to contain his glee and it was infectious to be near, a huge smile broke out on my face as I looked toward Emily. She had a genuine smile on her face and I was happy to see it. I took her by the hand and we sat down to call Jason and prepare him for the impending birth of his grandchild.
Maddie and Lucas had decided not to find out the gender of the baby, happy in the knowledge the baby was healthy. Caroline, on the other hand, was determined to know and it was only at her last ultrasound that she found out she was having a daughter. The baby was determined to remain a secret until recently.
I dialed Jason’s number and waited for him to answer, all the while stroking Emily’s hand, trying to convey calmness to her. I wanted her to stay in the moment and not get lost in thoughts that weren’t good for her.Whatever they may be.
“Josh, how are you?” Jason answered, his tone sounding cheerful and light.
“Lucas wanted me to give you a call. Maddie is in labor and is on the way to the hospital now.” I explained as I heard shuffling through the phone.
“Are you there with Joe and Lisa for Caroline?”
“Yes. Emily and I got here about an hour ago and Lucas called a few minutes ago. Joe went back to tell Lisa. It looks like Maddie and Caroline are determined to have their babies at the same time.” I laughed, without having to explain the closeness they shared.
“Through life, those two will walk together, always in sync. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I’m on the way there now. It shouldn’t take me more than thirty minutes to get to you. Is Emily with you?” Jason asked, his tone lower, almost like he was trying to keep the question private.
I glanced down at our entwined hands and answered simply, “Yes.”
“Good. Take care of her Josh.” He replied as he disconnected the phone.
Huh?That’s strange and I made a mental note to speak with him later about the inquiry.
“He will be here in about half an hour. How are you feeling?” I asked, looking into her eyes for signs of stress or anxiety, seeing nothing but excitement and joy.
“I’m doing good. Thank you for letting me freak out earlier. It’s embarrassing and I never want you to think you need to lie to Andrew about anything, but can you not let him know about my meds? I want the chance to tell him after things settle down with the baby.” Her eyes were telling the truth; she would speak with him. I was encouraged she was finally opening up to me, even if only a little.
