Page 43 of The Soul that Redeems Me
My Dearest Josh,
I love you with everything that I have in my soul, but as I sit here, I wonder… Can the same be said of you? You kept a secret from me. One that I had every right to know. Not one time in the last month did you think I was strong enough or capable enough of listening to something that affects my life. Not yours. Not Andrew’s. MINE. I trusted you with my greatest shame. You knew I was damaged. But what you never understood is that I was—and still am—angry.
I’m mad at what happened. I’m mad at losing my parents. I’m mad that I still have anxiety. I’m mad at him. I’m mad that you didn’t think I was strong enough to know the truth, and after listening to my family decide how my future needs to go, I have made the decision to handle this myself.
There are things you don’t understand about me. Hopefully, one day, you will and can still love me. I have to be strong enough to carry the weight, not only of him, but now the betrayal of my family. I’m going away for a few days. I have things I need to get in order before I confront the demon who no longer haunts my nightmares and has no control over my life. Not anymore.
I will come back to you, you have my word. But this is something I need to handle alone. Like I was in the back seat of that car. Like I was when I begged someone to help me. Like I feel right now. I no longer need someone to save me. I can finally save myself.
I know how to keep him locked away forever but I need your trust. I need your love
and once we get past this, we have the rest of our lives to look forward to.
Please forgive me, but this is a path I have to walk alone.
I love you with all of my heart!
Emily
I left the note on the dining room table with the keys to the Jeep and my cell phone. I had written down the numbers I needed and would pick up a pre-paid on my way out of town. I had some apprehension of being alone, gathering the necessary pieces of the past to keep that monster in jail, but I needed to prove to my family and myself that I could see this through to the end.
I took the keys to the car Caroline had loaned me and walked out of the apartment. After locking the door, I looked up at the camera mounted near the door, hiking my backpack higher on my shoulder and mouthed the words ‘I love you.’ I place my hand to my mouth and blew a kiss before I turned and got on the elevator. A few tears burned behind my eyes so I took a deep breath and blew it out, forcing my sadness down and allowing my anger to take over.
I got off the elevator and headed toward the car, my senses on high alert. Knowing that there was a possibility he could be free had my instincts pinging. After checking the back seat, I tossed my backpack in and got headed to the storage unit we had our parent’s last belongings stored in. I drove up to the roll-up door and unlocked the unit before I walked in and went toward my mother’s vanity table.
She and I had hidden it together and I hoped the temperatures didn’t damage anything. After retrieving the small envelope taped to the underside of the drawer, I closed the unit door, relocked it and drove away from the memory of my parents and their life cut short. Getting onto the interstate, I headed south to Columbus.
It should take me less than two hours to get there and I needed to find a place to sleep for the night. I thought of calling Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe but I didn’t want anyone trying to stop me, so I chose to find a hotel when I got into town. The entire drive down, my thoughts wandered to the conversation I had overheard and how everyone thought it was okay to have a discussion about me, without me, and my anger fueled me down the road.
I arrived in town a little after three o’clock and made my way downtown to the river. Pulling my car up to the closet lot I could find, I walked into the river walk and stared out into the rushing water, willing the memories to return.
My palms began to sweat and I felt myself shaking as I looked around for anyone who seemed to be paying me too much attention. Flexing my hands to relieve the tension, I started walking downstream, my feet moving on autopilot, my brain a whirlwind of memories, some good, a few bad. I heard the music before I saw the crowd as I walked up on an outdoor festival being held in the city’s green space.
The smell of the countless food trucks had my stomach growling, reminding me I threw my breakfast in the trash and hadn’t eaten all day. Making my way through the small crows, I found a truck advertising gyro. I stood in line, soaked up the atmosphere and found myself relaxing for the first time all day.
After placing my order, I stood off to the side, my back to the bridge wall, people watching. I observed families sharing dinner, kids dancing to the music coming from the live band, and the citizens enjoying one of the amenities of having a thriving downtown area. The vendor called my name and I took my food, finding a seat on the wall overlooking the river while I enjoyed my dinner and willed the memories to return.
I should have called Dr. Sawyer and told her my idea but she would have tried to talk me out of it. She has helped with the daily irritation I had since the attack but the underlying rage burns deeply, and it is something I have remorse over. I hate that I had allowed his actions to make me wrathful. I’m just grateful no one is aware of how much I want to lash out at the monster who stole my innocence, giving him a small amount of power over me to this day.
There was something, locked away, yet scratching at the surface of my subconscious that I needed to remember. A clue, to help me unlock the anger and finally purge the darkness from within me. Lost in thought and the delicious food, I was startled when I heard someone call my name.
“Emily! Is that you?” Aunt Lisa said as she walked up and engulfed me in a hug, “Are you here alone?” a questioning look on her face as she sat down next to me.
“Yes, ma’am. Please don’t tell anyone you saw me. I’ve got to go.” I told her as I started to stand, needing to get through with my plan before Josh and the rest of them came to rescue me from myself.
Gently grabbing my arm, she stopped by departure, “What’s going on sweetheart? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. I can see from the look on your face it is something so I want you to sit down and tell me what’s bothering you. You don’t want anyone to know where you are, fine. I’ll keep your secret as long as you tell me what has you here, alone, looking like you are about to either break something or break inside.”
Knowing she was my mothers’ best friend until we disappeared, I felt comfortable enough to discuss it but not here, surrounded by happy people.
“Can we walk down the river walk a little? I don’t want to talk around all these people.” I explained and we moved outside of hearing distance of the crowd.
Finding a bench right along the water, we sat down and I stared out at the water. My mind was flashing with memories of my attack and I felt the tremor in my hand start. People see it and equate fear, but it had always been anger fueling my emotions, something only Dr. Lee and Dr. Sawyer were aware of. The biggest part of my shame is that I allowed him to make me angry inside.
I started at the beginning of the conversation I overheard and told her everything as she sat down next to me.
“I feel like no one trusts me to make my own decisions. Jason and Josh knew and kept it from everyone. When they decided to tell everyone, they neglected to invite me into the conversation that was about me.” I swiped the angry tears from under my eyes, the raging river in front of me a perfect reflection of my churning emotions. “How do I trust that Josh moved in with me for the right reasons? How do I know he isn’t with me out of some kind of savior complex he has over his past? How do I trust them when they all think I’m so fragile that I’ll break at the sound of that assholes name?”
She turned her head facing me and a look of understanding passed across her face. “Can I tell you something. Something that Maddie and Caroline don’t know. The only person still alive who knows is Joe and we don’t talk about it unless, well…unless.”
