Page 42 of The Soul that Redeems Me
Iwalked into the building, my security pass in one hand, the bag of breakfast goodies in the other. Making my way up to the floor Josh shared with my family, I stepped into an empty waiting room. Looking around for Carol, I made my way down the hall toward Josh’s office. I wasn’t going to interrupt their meeting so my plan was to leave them on Carol’s desk with a note and get on the road.
Seeing his office was empty, I walked the few doors down to Maddie’s office when I heard Andrew’s voice yelling from the closed door at the end of the hallway.
“What the hell does he have to do with anything, Jason? That lunatic is locked behind bars, where he deserves to rot for what he did.”My brother’s voice boomed from behind the closed door.
Huh? I kept walking, stopping just outside the door, listening to the loud conversation taking place, my feet riveted to the floor.
“He has everything to do with whatever Jason is about to tell us because the sick bastard is trying to get a new trial. Am I right, Jason? Did a judge actually agree to this madness?”Josh yelled back into the room, the sounds of furniture being pushed aside.
“You knew?!”Andrew roared behind the door and the distinct sound of someone being hit resonated into the hallway. I felt my hands begin to shake, not knowing exactly who they were discussing but getting a sick feeling I knew without them saying.
“Who is Shane Montgomery?”Carol asked loudly and the bile began to rise in my throat. Shane Montgomery was the monster who kidnapped, raped, and beat me and my family was sitting around discussing it, anger beginning to boil inside of me.
“Shane Montgomery is the man who raped and beat my sister with an inch of her life. He is the monster who destroyed my family and apparently, your father and your friend knew he was, what? Trying to get another trial, to get out of jail? What the fuck, Josh! I thought you cared about her! About us! How could you keep this from us, the people you call family?”my brother yelling to Josh.
How could Josh have kept this a secret from me? I would have understood if they would have bothered to talk to me about it. Everyone assumes I’m afraid of that monster when in reality,I’m pissed.I was never afraid of him coming back to get me, I was afraid I would kill him or anyone else who tried to take from me again. I was pissed he felt he had the right to take from me something that wasn’t his to take.
I listened to Jason tell everyone how he felt justified in snooping into my past, digging up my shame, and laying it out for everyone to see. The room fell silent as he explained his reasoning in looking into something that wasn’t his business. How heknewI wasn’t strong enough to know the truth. I heard him tell them he and Josh knew about this for over a month and said nothing.
I heard Maddie tell everyone how weak I was and how I would have fallen apart at the first whisper of his name. The tears that had been falling started to dry up, disappointment rising inside of me. Jason started the explanation of his involvement in dragging up my past and when he described‘he said, she said’and I felt something inside of me snap.
How could anyone think I wanted what happened to me to occur? Listening to Jason describeShane’sfamily’s legal maneuvering to release this monster had my fist clenching around the bag of food I was still holding.
“Legal bullshit. That’s how. God, now I know why she left law school.”Josh said, snapping me back to the present, renewing a little bit of my faith in him. He was trying to protect me from the exact reason I took a break from college. The legal systems ability to be bought and swayed with enough money and power.
“After my lawyers fought them on every front, they finally got a judge to agree to an evidentiary hearing, of sorts. The defense and prosecution will go over everything from the case and see if there would have been enough to warrant his conviction. They have everything sorted through, ready to present to the judge, except for one thing.”
Finally, something I can work with. An evidentiary hearing,of sorts. That means they are skirting the edge of the law and I knew enough to push them over that edge. I’ll be damned if anyone is fighting this fight but me.
I felt deprived of my right to testify after it happened and when he plead guilty, I was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eyes and let him know he may have cracked me but I never broke.
Listening to Jason tell everyone whatIneeded to do to keep him locked up had me devising a plan. One that I knew I didn’t need my families support on. This was something I had to do on my own and if they couldn’t see that, then maybe they didn’t trust me after all.
“How do I tell her? How do I explain to her she has to relive the worst moments of her life so he stays where he belongs? How do I protect her from this?”Andrews sad voice weakening my resolve a little. My poor brother blamed himself to this day for what happened and hopefully, I can help settle this so some of his guilt goes away.
“You don’t tell her. We all do, as a family. We sit her down and explain what is going on then, we support her in whatever she decides to do. But know this, if she doesn’t testify, there is a very good chance he will be set free pending a new trial and without her testimony, he will probably have his conviction overturned.”Jason told the room and I spun on my heels, walking toward the elevator, and hitting the button as I paced back and forth.
I felt myself moving my head side to side, loosening up my muscles and my fists clenching and unclenching as I threw the goodies into the trash and stormed into the open elevator. I felt the energy surging through me and I knew I had some things to take care of before I would be able to talk to my family.
I got back into Josh’s Jeep and pulled away from the MSJ Media building, needing to put distance between me and my family. How did I never see how much of a disappointment I was to them? How they thought I was made of glass?
I pulled into a parking lot a few blocks away and sent a text to Teresa letting her know I wouldn’t be able to pick up Jake today and my stomach knotted at how much I missed that silly dog. She was kind, as always, and offered to bring him back but I told her Josh would be in touch, I apologized. I looked down and saw Josh called me so I turned my phone to silent.
Getting back on the road, I headed to the apartment while I mentally went over the list of things I needed to do before anyone realized I was aware of how little they thought of me. Reaching into my purse when I pulled into the parking lot of our building, I took a Xanax and swallowed it straight down, the bitter pill tasting as sour as my mood.
I was not going to get stuck inside my own head today. Remembering Dr. Sawyer’s sessions, I started reminding myself how far I had come, how I was adapting to life, how I was thriving. I had been prepared to live life alone, on my terms, and now I might not be able to do that with pieces of my heart scattered on the floor.
I thought back to the weekend with Josh and how many times we made love and my heart shattered knowing the man I love didn’t think I was strong enough to live my own life and make my own decisions. If they found out after the babies came home, Josh had known the entire time we had lived together. How could I really trust that he moved in for the right reasons?
No! Josh loves me!
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly blew it out, not allowing the anxiety and depression to whisper lies into my ear.
I am strong than I appear. I am bigger than my worries. I am faster than my demons. I am capable of achieving my goals. I am enough.
Focused, I began to pack my backpack with the things I would need for the next few days and I found a piece of paper, wanting to explain the reasons for my actions to Josh. I just hoped he could forgive me for needing to walk this road alone. Love is about a partnership and for a moment in time, Josh took that and turned it into a dictatorship. He and Jason made a decision for me that they had no right to do.
Now I had to regain control over the whole crazy fiasco and focus on putting that monster away for good. I sat down, the medication starting to work as I put pen to paper.
