Page 4 of The Soul that Redeems Me
I felt the blush creeping up my face, “Yes, please.”
“Same for me actually, Joe. Do you want me to come with you?” Josh always offered to help anytime something needed doing.
“Nah. I can get it. You two stay here in case Lisa comes back out. I’m going to leave my phone on charge so I’ll be straight back,” he answered as he walked down the hall, leaving Josh and I alone in our little corner of the waiting room, far away from the other family who was here waiting on their new arrival.
“Hey, are you doing okay?” Josh asked, his voice low and barely audible to the people across the room.
How do I answer that? If I tell him the truth, he will run away from me and if I lie, he gives me this look indicating he knows I’m hiding something.
“I’m doing as well as can be expected, to tell you the truth.” The words popping out of my mouth before the filter caught them and spun them into another false smile and convincing performance.
A gentle smile graced his handsome face as he took my fidgeting hands into his and began to stroke the backs with his thumb. I don’t know what possessed me to be honest with him but maybe this was my way of finally getting him to define what I am to him. Or maybe my emotions at being at the hospital and with my secrets weighing me down, I just needed someone to tell the truth to.
“Do you want to tell me what is causing your anxiety? Is there something I can do to help? Please, Emily, talk to me,” he implored, his chocolate brown eyes gazing into mine as I fought the bile rising in my throat.
“It’s…it’s being here,” I whispered, fearful that once the words were out, they would wrap me up and carry me further into my impending emotional breakdown. Hopefully, the baby comes quickly and I can make it home before anyone sees me lose my cool. The façade I had crafted around myself was cracking. I prayed no one tried to penetrate the walls and see my raw, bleeding pain, my resentment, or my shame.
“Here in Atlanta?” he questioned, his head turning sideways slightly, his eyebrows coming together in a show of confusion.
“No. Here, at the hospital.” I explained, hoping he would understand without me having to spell it out for him.
It took a moment for him to realize what I meant. He laid my hands back on my lap and placed his muscled arm around my shoulder, gently pulling my small body into his big one. I felt his strong lips place a chaste kiss on the top of my head. At that moment, I didn’t want to figure out friendship over romance. I needed his strength and comfort, knowing he hadn’t judged me on what happened, or my anxious reaction to being back inside a hospital.
“Do you have your medication with you?” He asked, causing me to attempt to jerk away from him.
He kept his arm around me, not allowing any distance between us and helping me to begin to calm again. The question of how he knew I was taking meds began to dance around my emotional wrecked brain.
“How did you know? Not even Andrew or Caroline know. I’m careful to never allow anyone to see my prescriptions.” I asked into his shoulder as I continued to breathe in his clean scent, the smell of the hospital fading with each lung full of his intoxicating smell.
“It was just a guess. I was taking a shot in the dark, but thank you for being honest with me. Why don’t you tell your brother about it? Why keep it a secret?”
“Andrew took on too much when Mom and Dad died. He already carried enough guilt over, well… over everything. He didn’t need to know I was having anxiety attacks so I had Dr. Lee agree to not divulge it to him, even though he was my guardian. He thought I should let him know, but I didn’t want Andrew treating me like I was even more fragile. Does that make any sense?” I rambled on, hoping I wasn’t scaring him away.
“It makes perfect sense and I promise to keep your secret. Have you taken your meds today?” he gently asked me, his soft voice loud enough for my ears only.
“I skipped my morning dose. I was afraid to take one before we got here and be too out of it.”
“If you need to, please take it. I’ll be right here the whole time. Lean on me when your anxiety starts to grow. Let me help you through this, Emily. Let me be here for you.”
“I… okay.” Not needing any further push. He was right, my unease was growing, not shrinking, and I needed to be strong for my brother and the newest addition to our family.
I reached into my backpack and took a pill out of the bottle, popping it in my mouth and fishing around for my bottle of water, only to have a freshly opened one placed in my hand by Josh. I cut my eyes to him as I took a drink, swallowing the pill down, a little more of my shame leaving my troubled and overworked mind.
Josh knew I was taking medication and he didn’t run from me or judge me. No matter what the circumstances, I was keeping him in my life, even if it was only ever as a friend.
