Page 25 of The Soul that Redeems Me
Emily fell into my arms the minute the door shut behind Andrew. I swooped her up and carried her, bridal-style, to the couch and sat down with her in my lap, my arms surrounding her small body as I felt the small tremors reverberating deep within her. Outwardly, she appeared fine. Upset, but fine.
“Let it out, baby. It’s just us now. It’s okay, I’ve got you. Nothing can hurt you,” I whispered into her hair as I felt her body begin to shudder with her silent sobbing.
I gently stroked her back as she began to calm down and settle deeper into my lap. Since I had opened the panic door, Jake had stayed glued to her side, and right now she was petting his head in her lap, her body no longer shaking. We sat there for what felt like an hour before she spoke.
“I feel so weak sometimes. I try to be strong, to tell people I’m okay, in reality, I’m a mess. I trained to fight as soon as I finished rehab. Andrew and I would spend hours at the gym, rebuilding my wasted muscle tone in my arm and leg.
“We would spar, and repeat motions over and over until they became fixed in my memory. I started to feel a little more like myself and…started to believe I was stronger than the demons who chased me every day.
“I was sure that if ever faced with a situation where someone was trying to hurt me…I would be able to defend myself. I would be able to fight better…smarter. Right this minute… I feel stupid.
All I want to do is… sit here and cry… and …and feel sorry for myself, and Ihatethat I think this way!
“Nothing happened to me tonight besides getting a creepy feeling someone was watching me when I walked Jake earlier… and then some drunk asshole who got the wrong apartment and kicked and yelled for a little bit. Yet, here I sit… crying and being a burden to you… and my family. I’m sorry, Josh.”
I was dumbfounded at her declaration.How could she think she was a burden? That she was stupid? That she did something wrong?
I immediately wanted to reply to her critical analysis of the evening but I was too busy thinking about what she had said right at the end.
“Emily, look at me baby.” I wanted to be sure I heard her correctly. Her glistening eyes looked up at me so I continued, “I’ll get back to all the other things you said in just a second, but did you say you felt like you were being watchedbeforethe drunk started banging on the door?”
She nodded her head, “Yeah, I guess it was probably him watching the building or something. I got this creeped-out feeling when we were finishing up with his walk.” She gave a small shrug of her shoulders.
Not wanting her to worry needlessly, I shelved that fact for a later phone call and moved forward with her emotional declaration.
“You dealt with a lot tonight, so I don’t want to upset you further, but what you are going through… it’s normal. The feeling that you should have been in better control of your emotions to make smarter, quicker, and more efficient decisions in a crisis? Nothing about you is stupid and I have no doubt that you are able to defend yourself…ifthe circumstances required you to. Everyone is different and if you hadn’t had endured what you did, there isstillno guarantee you wouldn’t still be as upset with yourself or as scared in the moment.
“This is your anxiety telling you that you aren’t good enough when you are more than any of us deserve. Don’t let it win, Emily. Stand up and realize you made the smartest decision tonight you could have made. You knew there was a threat, and when you saw him, you got yourself and Jake to a safe place.
“You called me after you had observed the situation and already secured yourself in the panic room. That, to me, is the smartest thing you could have done. You don’t have to face down a challenge if there is a chance to leave…to go somewhere safer.”
With a gentle kiss on her forehead, I finished, “I would have done the same thing. Waking up to someone trying to beat down the door, I would have hidden then called for help. And you brought your guard dog with you,” I joked, as I ruffled the fur on Jake’s head and his ears perked up at the first signs of Emily’s happiness.
“Well, it is all about Jake and his comfort!” she joked as we stood up and I pulled her into another hug, needing her body against mine. When I heard she was hiding from someone trying to get into the apartment, my heart dropped into my feet and old, familiar rage started to fill the void.
I would kill anyone who tried to touch Emily. She is mine and I am hers and no one willeverkeep up apart. I pulled back from the embrace and offered her a smile and, I hoped, a welcome distraction from the chaos of the evening.
“Why don’t you take a shower and freshen up while I call and order us some burgers and fresh cut fries from the Flame Lick. I’ll even have them bring us some milkshakes and pie so we can talk about how excited I am that you decided to take some time off and travel with me. Tonight, my beautiful Emily, we make a life list for you and we are going to get started on checking them off. One.”Kiss.“By one.”Kiss.“By one.”Kiss.
Her radiant smile caused my heart to flutter as she raised up on her tip toes and I leaned down so she could give me a kiss before she and Jake disappeared into her bedroom. I laughed when she tried to keep him out of the bathroom and he whined and pawed at the door until she opened it and ushered him into the small room.
“Lucky fucking dog,” I laughed as I ordered us some food and went to change out of my work clothes.
Even though I don’t work in a suit and tie like Lucas and Jason doesn’t mean I looked like a slacker while I am working. My fully tattooed arms are visible with my dress shirt, the collar barely covering my chest piece. Luckily, the business world is slowly changing its views on tattoos and piercings, and my role in MSJ Media allows me much more freedom than most of its staff.
I’m sure that’s because of my relationship with Maddie and Caroline, and for them, I am forever thankful. I met them at a time in my life where I was getting ready to graduate college and was desperately trying to find my footing in the world. I had a good adolescence, but my childhood years were still a burden to certain parts of my life. Those two women showed me the true meaning of family, and all these years later, they brought me to my soul mate.
Emily and Jake returned, and she looked beautiful with her brown hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun and her face looking refreshed. Jake was following behind her, not getting more than a few feet from her as they made their way back to the couch, and she curled up against my chest as we sat and petted Jake.
“I need to get him a steak for keeping you safe.” I laughed, hoping to lighten her mood and get her excited about the adventures I was about to take her on.
I had an idea of a place I want to take her, a vacation from the impending cold and a welcomed break from the stress we had all been under. Having her by my side, as much as can I have her, will help calm me a little, but I need to get her to the gym with Andrew tomorrow and get her back into karate training. She is more confident when she is able to channel her aggravation and aggression and her brother is the perfect person to help her with this stumbling block.
My cell phone rang from the night doorman downstairs letting me know our food had arrived. I told him I would be right down and kissed Emily on the head before I grabbed my phone and headed to the elevator. I sent a quick text to Andrew first.
J: I think getting Emily back into training with you might be a good idea.
A: I think that is a great idea. How is she?
