Page 21 of The Soul that Redeems Me
Listening to him tell me his story breaks my heart for him and what he endured. I suddenly understood Josh and the way he is toward others. He knows what it’s like to carry a secret or a heavy burden. I’m glad he trusted his parents enough to tell them what he suffered through and that he was able to get better and move past his shame.
I was still wallowing in mine and didn’t know how to get past it. I had finally told Dr. Sawyer a few months ago when I had decided to move out and the feeling of relief was instantaneous. My mother was the only one who knew what happened, her keeping my secret to save my father and brother the heartache of knowing how bad it truly was.
They both assumed they understood what occurred but it was the after effects that I struggled with. I heard my inner voice telling me now was the time to tell Josh. If the relationship got more serious, he deserved to know so he could decide if he wanted to stay with me or leave. I didn’t think he would leave me but that tiny voice also had horns, and it liked to tell me how no man would want me after they found out.
We continued to embrace, the rain still falling over the city as the first signs of the new day began to show in the sky. I slowly pulled back and looked up into his captivating eyes when he leaned over and kissed me. His strong lips against mine reflected our feelings for each other.
“I love you.” I said to him. I needed him to know how I felt before I sat him down and laid my shame out at his feet.
“I love you too. I hope you can understand just how much,” he replied, as he kissed my forehead and pulled my body against his, my hand resting over his heart.
I pulled back from the embrace and gently guided him by the hand to the couch, sitting down and pulling my legs underneath me. He sat down next to me and looked at me with a face full of apprehension.
“Do you think less of me for what happened?” he asked, and I immediately shook my head in a violent manner, my anger starting to rise, him thinking anything could make him less in my eyes.
“You were raped and I would never think less of you for something like that. Do you think less of me for what happened to me?” Needing to hear his feelings, even though I already knew what they were.
He placed his hand around my jaw, cupping my face as he looked me in the eye and said, “Nothing could ever make me think less of you. Nothing. I love you, Emily. You are my forever.”
Tears filled my eyes, distorting his appearance as I collected my thoughts and gave him a watery smile. It was time to tell him and I prayed he would still feel the same way when I finished.
“The nightmare is always different, always difficult to experience, and when I wake up, I usually feel like I have run a marathon.” I take a deep breath and blow it out, adjusting my body so it faced his. I needed him to keep me grounded, so I took his hands into mine and I continued, “You know some of what I went through so there’s no need to repeat all that, if that’s okay.” A simple head nod is his response. “I had surgery that night it happened. My arm was broken when I tried to escape. He slammed it inside the door, breaking my arm and making it nearly impossible for me to keep fighting back. I fought him up until that point but the pain was so intense, I blackout out for a minute. When I woke up, he was…he was…”
“You don’t have to say it,” his voice almost pleading for me not to tell him.
With a trembling voice, full of conviction, I carried on, “I woke up when he was raping me. He had torn my clothes and had me pinned in the back seat of his car, the sound of rushing water all around us. I screamed for him to stop but he got this look in his eyes that let me know he was whacked out on something that had him out of his mind. I kept yelling and somehow I was able to start scratching him with my good arm, trying to get him to stop, hoping to make it end.” I took a pause and wiped the tears from my eyes, never quite making eye contact with him. I gently rubbed my tattoo, the familiar ache of the rod reminding me of what I survived. “He had a taser and he hit me with it at least two times that the doctors at the hospital could prove. The jolt from one of those things scrambles your brain a little and I didn’t understand what was going on. The next thing I know, he is trying to make me have an orgasm. Like if he could give me pleasure, I was somehow okay with the whole thing. His words telling me how dirty I was, calling me a whore, telling me I was begging for it. I never met him but he was acting like I was a someone who had denied him something. He…he managed to make it happen, to a small degree, and that was all it took for him to start hitting and slapping me. A flip had switched in him and he was now treating me like I had personally wronged him. None of it made any sense, then or now.” I shrugged but kept talking, “when he finished, he dragged me back into the front seat and started driving again. The sound of water was confusing me and I had no idea where we were or what his plans for me were. My eyes were starting to swell and the last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital was driving on an overgrown road that connected near one of the bridges and he was driving back into Georgia.”
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry you had to experience such horrible things.” He leaned over and wiped my tears before kissing me on the forehead.
“There is one thing that only my mother and two doctors know. Something that is always in my dreams, the thing I can’t get away from. I want it to stop haunting me but I’m afraid it never will. I need for you to know but before I tell you, I want you to know that if you can’t handle being with me after you know, I completely understand. Really I do.” Squeezing his hand and giving him a small smile.
“Nothing changes between us, baby. Nothing. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”
Nodding my head, I continued, “When we moved to New Orleans a month after the attack, I was feeling pretty shitty. No energy, the pain meds were making me sleep, my appetite was gone and suddenly I started throwing up. Every morning for over a week, I got sick and I was struggling to comprehend what the problem was. Chalking it up to the meds and overall depression, I didn’t say anything to my family. They were worried enough, and I hated that we had to uproot our lives because of what that sadist did to me. My Mom finally caught me hobbling to the bathroom to get sick, when I confessed what was going on. She took me to the doctor that afternoon and it turns out the Plan B they gave me at the emergency room didn’t work. I was pregnant with that monsters’ baby and I lost all control. I begged my mother and the doctor to take care of it. I couldn’t…I couldn’t…have his baby. I wouldn’t. They performed the abortion that day and I went home. My Mom lied to my Dad and brother, telling them something else, to distract them from the fact that I had just killed my baby.” I sobbed as he engulfed me in a hug.
I allowed the shame to purge from me while he stroked my hair and I felt drops of our tears falling, his strong body shuddering around me. We had both filleted ourselves and him not pushing me away gave me a small amount of hope.
“Do you hate me?” I asked with a stuttering breath.
His arms squeezed me tighter as his thick voice whispered above me, “I love you. Forever. You did what you had to do when faced with an impossible decision. I understand why you did what you did and we never have to speak about it again. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.” Each word punctuated with a soft kiss on the top of my head as my face was still resting against his strong, tattooed chest.
I looked up at him through watery eyes and was met with a look of love and forgiveness that made my heart skip a beat. Feeling lighter after telling him, I reached up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling back. Now was not the time to take this any further. The pain we both shared was enough to kill any sexual desires, but I hoped we would be able to move past this and onto better days.
I felt a cold nose nudge my hand and looked down to see Jake had placed himself at my feet, his soft head laying on my lap. I scratched behind his ears and look out at the falling rain, the sun fully up, hidden behind the puffy clouds.
“I’m taking today off work. What classes do you have today?” Josh’s voice cut through the silence and made me smile.
“No class today. I took my final for that class last week since I had already finished the online work and turned in my final paper. My next final is Thursday in class and one Friday online. Then I’m done. Why? What’s the plan?”
“How do you feel like a hike?” he asked, his smile lighting up the room.
“I would love a hike today but it’s raining outside. We’ll get soaked.”
“That’s the plan.” His eyebrows wiggling as we stood up and made our way into our individual bedrooms.
Just because we were sharing a bed didn’t mean that we undressed in front of each other. Besides some over the clothes rubbing and grinding, Josh had yet to see me naked and I had only caught glimpses of him shirtless around the apartment when he would go from the shower to his bedroom.
Josh and I were two broken individuals that had miraculously found each other in the chaos of the world. Two broken pieces whose jagged edges matched up. Two damaged people who together, make one complete soul. I was leaving class after my final that week when I stopped by the registrar’s office to withdraw for next semester.
