Page 19 of The Soul that Redeems Me
Iwould have never expected the evening to end the way it did. Coming home to a freshly cooked meal was amazing enough but to have Emily allow me to give her pleasure, that she felt safe enough with me to open herself sexually, had my heart settling in a steady rhythm and my mind at peace.
She seemed to have dozed off wrapped up in my arms, her small body draped across my lap, her head directly over my heart. I didn’t want to wake her and having her in my arms was a dream come true. I know this isn’t an open door for sex, that her allowing herself to be vulnerable, was a testament to her strength and dedication to move past her attack and hopefully towards our future.
I felt her plump lips reach up and kiss my neck before she began to sit up and I loosened my grip on her. I was hoping she’d sleep in my arms all night however, I also don’t think she was ready for that yet.Soon…hopefully.
The blush on her face showed me she was getting shy about what we had done and she started to get off my lap so I gently grabbed her hips, an urge for her to stay. She smiled at me and settled back down, leaning herself against my propped-up legs.
“I hope that was okay,” she whispered, as she gave me a goofy grin.
“That was more than okay. It was perfect.” I leaned in and cupped her beautiful face, placing a kiss on her lips before pulling back. I found myself stroking her cheek as I stared into her eyes.
“I…I hope I didn’t disappoint you. I know I don’t have any experience, except for, well…” she stammered, her bottom lip trembling as she took a deep breath and blew it into the air, her shimmering eyes turned toward the ceiling.
Taking her face into my hand again, I gently coaxed her to look at me before I responded to her: “Emily, I know you’re a virgin.” She tried to interrupt, so I gently placed my thumb over her luscious lips and continued, “You neverchoseto be with someone, so emotionally, you are a virgin. Nobody gets to take that from you until you are ready to give it willingly. What happened to you…it wasn’t your fault. The fact that you chose me to have your first sexual experience with is humbling. I don’t want you to think that I see tonight as a green light for anything else. We will still take this as slow as you need for us to. If this is all we ever get, then it will still be the best I’ve ever had. You are so damn beautiful when you come undone, it’s like heaven opened up and shined a light on you.” I pulled her down to me to kiss her, not being able to go another minute without her lips on mine.
She pulled back and placed her forehead against mine. “Being here with you, it’s everything I ever wanted and thought I would never find. How did I get so lucky to have someone as amazing as you want to be with me?”
“It’s me who is the lucky one. I get an angel on earth and a love all-consuming. I know it may be too soon and I understand if you can’t say it back, but I love you, Emily.” I said as her hazel eyes began to glisten, a single tear falling into her lap.
“I love you too, Josh.” She responded, as she pulled herself to me and kissed me, my mouth opening to show her an offering of love in our tender embrace.
Too soon, we pulled back and she stood from the couch to stretch her leg, the injury from her attack causing her discomfort from time to time. I took this as an opportunity to keep her grounded in the moment and not start thinking about how the pain came to be in the first place, potentially causing her anxiety and depression to increase.
“I need to get cleaned up and take Jake for his last walk. Do you feel like joining us?” I asked her, hoping she felt up to a stroll. “I’ll spring for an iced coffee.” Wiggling my eyebrows as I stood from the couch and started walking toward the bathroom.
“Sounds good. I’ll go change while you are getting cleaned up.” A fresh blush covered her face. Turning back toward her I used one finger to tilt her head up and leaned down, giving her a gentle kiss.
I made my way into the bathroom and washed myself up, before heading into my bedroom to pull on a clean pair of boxers and pants. I heard Emily waking Jake up from his nap on her bed and his excited paws as he jumped around in anticipation of his adventure. I was glad to see that he and Emily had bonded so well. Most of the time, Jake slept with Emily and when it was time for a cuddle, he went to her first.Lucky dog!
Even though he isn’t a ‘guard dog,’ Jake is very protective of Emily and on more than one occasion, has growled at someone who got too close to her. Knowing he was here with her when I’m gone allowed me to function away from her with less worry. I spoke with Jason this afternoon and his lawyers are tracking the appeals process of that animal, hoping to circumvent his petition for a new trial.
I never want Emily to have to relive what she experienced and the thought of her having to face that man in court is enough to make me see red. I felt terrible about keeping it from her and from the rest of my family. I never wanted there to be secrets or lies, but after talking to my parents and Jason, we agreed it wasn’t either. We agreed that until there was something to tell everyone, we would say nothing.
If Emily was aware of the current legal proceedings and maneuvers, I knew for sure she would withdraw into herself and hide away again, allowing fear to take her into the dark recesses of her mind. If he was released, I’d have to sit down and tell her everything, but for now I kept it hidden. I want Emily to continue to flourish and grow, hopeful that she would be strong enough to face whatever comes at her in the future.
That evening after Jake’s walk, we laid down on the couch, Emily tucked against my chest and Jake asleep across her legs while we watched some random show on TV. My mind was replaying the events earlier that evening and I was hoping we could talk a little more about where her mind was.
I looked down at her and she was asleep with her head on my chest, her hand over my heart. I wished we could stay here all night with her asleep in my arms, but I’d promised her we would go as slow as she needed to. I gently untucked her from my body and leaned over to pick her up, deciding to carry her to bed instead of waking her.
Her sleepy eyes looked up at me and a smile graced her face as I walked her into her bedroom and gently laid her onto the bed. She let out a little yawn as she rolled onto her side and brought her hand up, tucking in under her face as she continued to stare at me. Slowly, I sat down on the edge of the bed facing her, never allowing eye contact to break.
I leisurely placed my hand on her face, cupping her jaw as I leaned in and placed a kiss on her forehead. As I tried to pull my hand away, I felt her reach up and grasp my wrist, keeping the contact between us, her eyes peering deep into mine.
“Could I ask a favor?” her voice small and unsure.
“Anything, baby.”
“Would you…would you sleep in here tonight? I really don’t want to be alone. If that’s okay?”
“Are you sure, Emily? I told you we can take thing as slow as you needed, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You don’t want to? I understand.” she asked, her hand releasing my wrist and her eyes breaking focus with mine, trying to look past me, hoping to escape the moment.
I urged her to look at me with a gentle press of my thumb to her trembling chin, waiting for her to make eye contact.
“There is nothing I want more than to fall asleep with you in my arms and wake to your beautiful face each morning. I’m just worried that you are rushing yourself, thinking there is a clock on us. There is no time limit, baby. You and I? We’re forever. I want you to take as much time as you need and I’ll be here for you, every step of the way.” I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.
She allowed me to deepen the kiss without it turning frantic before I pulled away and she sat up in bed, her back against the gray padded headboard. Tucking her small legs up against her body, she wrapped her arms around herself and inhaled deeply before blowing the air out and smiling at me.
