Page 17 of The Soul that Redeems Me
“It is so good to see you happy, Emily. The fact that you are thinking about an intimate relationship, in my professional opinion, means you are getting better. How are the nightmares and anxiety attacks? Have you been doing the techniques we practiced when you are starting to feel the irritation rise?” Jotting down notes into her leather book, her eyes glanced back up at mine before she set her pen down and gave me her full attention.
“The anxiety attacks are significantly less than a few months ago, although they still happen from time to time. I’ve enjoyed taking Jake for walks around the neighborhood and have even ventured into Centennial Park so he could enjoy some off-leash time. The nightmares still happen occasionally, only they seem less… I don’t know… real anymore.” I answered with a shrug, not knowing to how to put my feelings into words.
“That makes sense. You are moving past the trauma and into happier memories, therefore, your dreams don’t have as strong a hold on your subconscious anymore. That’s amazing, Emily. Your hard work is paying off. How do you feel about going to once a week session and I’d still be on call for you if you need me? I think you will do better with spending that extra hour a week taking Jake out and enjoying the fresh air than being cooped up in here, rehashing things you are handling with grace and strength.” Dr. Sawyer smiled at me, knowing I have wanted to reduce my therapy visits for a while now.
“I like the sound of that. Jake and I could use the extra walk time!” I smiled back, looking at the clock that showed my hour was up.
“Is there anything else you want to talk about before we say goodbye until next week?” she asked, closing her leather book, folding her hands into her lap, and taking a relaxed pose.
“I just wanted to say thank you. I feel so much better since I started coming to you. Dr. Lee helped so much with my social issues and desire to hide from the world, and I am forever grateful for everything he did for Andrew and I after our parents died. I finally feel comfortable enough to tell someone what happened and feel like I am actually healing the wounds instead of tearing the scabs off each visit.” I say, my throat was thick with emotion and tears streaming down my face.
I felt like I owed my new-found lease on life to the two doctors and the idea that I had been kicking around for the last six months started to make more sense to me with each passing second.
“There is something I have thought about in passing but is starting to make more sense to me. Can I bounce something off you before I think about talking to my brother about it?”
She made the gesture to continue so I just blurted it out, “I don’t want to go to law school. The more pre-law classes I take, the more I hate the legal system.”
“Did you lose faith in the legal system or have you finally decided whatyouwant to do with your life? Every time we meet, you speak about how your parents were so supportive of your decision to go to law school. Did you go because that’s what they would have wanted or what you want to do with your life? Think hard about that answer and remember, there are no judgments here.”
I gave myself time to really think about that answer.
Was I trying to fulfill a childhood promise to my parents?
Did I see myself arguing in a courtroom or is there something else I am passionate about?
“I guess, if I am completely honest with you, I think I enrolled in law school because I had bragged about how much I wanted to be a lawyer to my parents. It was the one thing that I thought stayed the same after they died, but I stopped wanting to be a lawyer when the drunk who killed my parents got off with two years for taking two lives. His slick lawyer pulled out a lot of legalese and he has been walking free for the last few months. I made a vow to them to get my license and make sure that people like that paid their debt to society. Truth be told, I never want to see the inside of a courtroom again.” The words fell out and the weight lifted off my shoulders.
She stood up and walked around the desk to embrace me. After pulling back from the comforting hug, she looked down at me, “Tell Andrew before you register for next semester if that’s what you’ve decided to do. You have time and options, Emily. If you want to take some time off from school and give life a chance to catch up, then do that. Always remember, your brother and all the family you have surrounded yourself with want you to be happy. Nothing more, so give yourself a break and figure out who Emily is and what she wants from life. After you have decided, go get it. Fight for what you want in this life and what’s the motto?” she asked as she opened the door to an empty waiting room.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff!” I responded as I made my way to my car and headed toward the apartment. I wanted to take Jake for a walk before Josh got home and I planned to attempt to make dinner for us tonight.
I hope all those YouTube videos pay off. I would hate to ruin dinner when I hope dessert may be a little more than a kiss.
I had the garlic bread in the oven on warm and just had to boil the noodles. I was proud of the dinner I had made, using fresh herbs, tomatoes, garlic, and onions to build the sauce from scratch. I could have bought a jar but after studying videos, I felt like I could handle the basics of a spaghetti sauce. I wanted this dinner to be special and I also had wanted to start eating more at home instead of ordering out or Josh cooking for us.
The sound of his keys in the lock had Jake jumping up and running for the door to meet Josh and welcome him home. No matter how bad a day you have, the love of a dog when you return home is second to none. My heartrate began to increase the closer Josh got into the apartment, butterflies taking flight in my stomach.
“Something smells good,” Josh said as he comes into the kitchen and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek before he peeked into the simmering pot of sauce. “Is this homemade spaghetti sauce?”
“It sure is. I wanted to make you something healthy and homemade and I think I did a pretty good job if I do say so myself.” Pride was evident in my voice.
“You’re too good to be true, you know that, right?” he asked me as he pulled me into a hug, my head resting against his chest; his strong heartbeat a comforting cadence.
“I’m glad you like it. Why don’t you get comfortable while I boil the noodles?”
“I’ll be right back.” He goes to turn but I kept my hand in his, arresting his retreat.
His eyes gazed into mine as I pulled myself up to him, placed my arms around his neck, and reached up for a kiss. The moment his lips touched mine, his arms wrapped around my waist, gently pulling my small frame against his much larger one. The kiss stayed gentle and slow, his soft lips opening so his tongue could explore mine, and an audible groan broke free from him.
I slowly pulled away from the kiss and looked up at him to find he had an enormous smile on his face and a look of love in his eyes. After placing another gentle kiss on my lips, he went into his room and I was left with a racing heartbeat and a curious dog who’d stood guard while we embraced.
“I hope I don’t screw this up, Jake,” I said to the dog, knowing he wouldn’t respond but feeling better that I’d let the words out of my mouth.
“Can I help with anything?” Josh asked as he wrapped me in a hug from behind, his head looking over my own as I watched the pasta boil in the pot.
“You can grab us some plates while the noodles finish, and then we can eat.”
After a kiss on my cheek, and he pulled away, the cold seeped into every area his warm body has caressed me. We made our plates and ventured into the dining room as Jake settled into his bowl of food and we tucked into dinner.
