Page 16 of The Soul that Redeems Me
Josh and I had begun to spend more time together as he packed up his house, deciding what to bring and what to store. It was hard going through my parents’ stuff but Andrew and I decided to store some of the items until a final decision can be made and split the stuff we wanted between us. Some of their furniture was handed down through the family and Andrew wanted to give me time to decide if I wanted any of it or not.
Moving between Josh’s house, putting mine and Andrew’s stuff in storage, and Caroline’s items from the apartment to the house took a little over a week to finish. The moving company had to pick up from one location and take to another, grab furniture, and bring it back. It was quite a feat and I’m glad that it’s over.
Josh and I’d been roommates for a little over a month and so far, it had been wonderful. Jake is a bonus that I had always wanted. Being the child of an active duty soldier meant we could PCS often. My parents said owning a dog and not being able to find a place that we could live if we had to move would be harder than not owning one to begin with. I cried many tears over wanting a pet and not being able to have one.
Jake loved to cuddle on the couch, his soft fur like a blanket over my legs when he laid down with us while we watched TV. I found myself relaxing while I scratched his furry head and we got lost in our own little world. Every night since move-in day, Josh and I ate dinner and cuddled on the couch with Jake, our evenings always ending with a kiss before bed. We have yet to do anything more than kiss and my previously dormant libido was starting to wake up and take notice.
I wanted to take the next step. Not sex, but I was definitely ready for some petting and rubbing. I was unsure on how to initiate the actions. I knew Josh desired me, I could see the evidence each night before we went to bed. I could feel his hardness against my stomach as he kissed me goodnight.
Sometimes the kisses were sweet and sometimes they were aggressive, ending with our foreheads connected and harsh breaths being shared between us. Never once had he tried to touch me more than a kiss and I’d begun to wonder if we would ever get passed the stage of kissing standing up. He wouldn’t even touch me when we were on the couch, even though I gave him plenty of opportunities.
He always walked me to my bedroom door and, for a few brief moments, he held me in his arms and made me feel like everything is right with the world. His touch obliterated the harshness of my past and made me yearn for a future with him. A future where I’m able to give him the one part of myself I’ve never willingly shared with another person.
I was meeting with Dr. Sawyer today and I was anxious to discuss my fledgling desires with her. The therapeutic techniques and coping mechanisms that she had taught me to help me deal with my lingering issues have really changed the way I feel from day to day. I have reduced my anxiety meds and began a yoga class in the same gym Josh used.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like the old me. The outgoing young girl who was ready to tackle the world and change it for the better. I knew a part of me would always be broken but, for Josh, I wanted to try and put some of the pieces back together. To be stronger. To be the person he said he saw when he looked at me, not the fragile girl I’ve felt like for the last few years.
Dr. Sawyer came into her office and sat down, pulling out her leather notebook as she smiled at me. I stopped sitting on the couch after the first session, preferring to sit in the oversized leather chair she had across from her desk. I tended to start out the sessions guarded and after our hour ended, I always felt better. I cried every visit, not just about my issues, but things that I find happy and beautiful. I was always one of those girls that cried at the romance movies and sappy holiday commercials and she had grown to understand, from me, not all tears are sad ones.
“You look good, Emily. How was your weekend? I’m sorry I had to cancel your Thursday appointment. My little one had the flu and is just now able to go back to daycare.” She explained with a look of remorse on her face.
“I had a great weekend. Josh and I took Jake up to North Georgia and hiked on Saturday then spent the night at his parent’s house before we came home yesterday.” I smiled back at her, remembering how Jake had jumped into the river and decided to run up and shake all over us, spraying us with cold water droplets as he panted his happiness.
“It is so good to see you smiling. How are things going with Josh?”
“Really good. Perfect, in fact. There’s just something that I’m struggling with. I was hoping to talk to you about that.”
“This is your safe space. You know that. So, let’s hear what has your mind spinning a hundred miles an hour.” Her expression turned serious as she picked up her pen and leaned into her chair to get comfortable.
“Well, you remember how I told you about what guidelines we set up for our ‘relationship’?”
“Has something changed in that department? Has he done something to pressure you into something you aren’t ready for?”
“No. Everything is the same and that’s the problem.” I grumbled, crossing my arms in front of me and pulling my short legs into the chair to settle in for the conversation ahead. “Every night, he walks me to my room and kisses me goodnight. Never anything more than me being in his arms and him kissing me. I think I may be ready for more and don’t know how to tell him, or even show him, how I feel when he’s pressed up against me. I’m struggling with my desire for him and my fear of what’s next.” Tears leaked out from my eyes at the frustration I was feeling.
“This is perfectly natural and to be expected. Josh has given you the space to decide what comes next. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?”
“What do I say, Dr. Sawyer? ‘Hey, Josh. Tonight, instead of us kissing before bed, how about you touch me and let me rub against you?’ Exactly how well do you think that will go over?”
“I don’t know what his exact thoughts are, but in my opinion, he knows you were a virgin before your rape and he doesn’t want to push you. He’s giving you exactly what you need and if you need more, you will have to either speak with him or give him some hints on what you want. I don’t think being so direct is the best idea. Maybe you need to guide him into what you desire”
“I don’t know how to do that. I hadn’t even begun to really experiment with myself before the rape and I’m afraid I will freeze at the wrong time or do something to push him away. What if I ask for more and then I can’t continue? Or I freak out? I don’t want to hurt him or drive him away with my issues.” More tears flowing down my face as I reached and grabbed the tissue off her desk and wiped my eyes.
“From what you told me, Josh is okay with never having that kind of a relationship, is that correct?” I nodded my head to affirm so she continued, “Then you set the pace, Emily. If you are ready for the next level of intimacy, then be brave and give in to your instincts. Mother nature gave you everything you need to relay what you want from him. Go slow. You don’t have to jump into bed with him tonight. It may take a while before you are ready for that but if you need more from him, show him. Be the first to kiss him, gently place his hand where you want it and be ready to say stop if you need to. He knows and will understand if you have a problem. Trust him. Trust yourself.”
Inhaling a deep breath and blowing out, I let the words sink into me. I control the situation. I had the ability to show him what I need and I can stop him if it gets too much.
“You’re right. I do have the power to make what I want happen. I can say stop and I know he will. I feel silly talking about this to Maddie and Caroline and I have worried myself about this since our first kiss.” I said, my hands fidgeting in my lap, my thoughts running crazy through my head.
“Can I ask you something personal?” Dr. Sawyer’s voice breaking through the thoughts I’d allowed to overtake my head and brought me back to the present.
I shrugged my shoulders as a response as she looks across her wide desk at me. “Have you touched yourself since the rape?” her voice strong yet gentle.
It took me a moment to gather my thoughts, thinking to the times I tried and failed to get myself off. “I tried a few times without a lot of success. I think I get lost in bad memories and it shuts down my desire.” I explained, trying not to feel like a freak at 20 years old and never having had a real orgasm.
“Have you tried it thinking of Josh and only Josh? You have only negative things to associate with sex and self-exploration. Give yourself the chance to fantasize about him. What you find attractive, what your body feels when you kiss him, what you desire from him. See if you’re able to achieve the release you need to help unblock your fears. Experience the pleasure you get from masturbation and it may make your advances toward him easier. Knowing the good that can come from intimate encounters may make opening up to him, even if just a little, more comfortable.”
“I never thought about it that way but your right. Before my rape, I had kissed two boys. One in sixth grade and my boyfriend up until the start of summer that year, Brian. He and I had gotten to first base before he found a girl who was willing to go much faster than I was ready for. Thinking back on it, what we had wasn’t even close to what Josh and I have.” A smile breaking out across my face. That silly relationship I’d had in high school had progressed farther than Josh and I had, but I still felt like I had experienced more with him already than I had the entirety of my time with Brian.
