Page 53 of The Hand That Holds Me
He loved her as much as I did and his pain was evident. He placed his hand on mine and continued. “I stayed every minute with her at the hospital until they let you come home. I was terrified of the drive, going under the speed limit and taking side streets until I delivered you home safely. We put you in your bassinet and I held her as we stared down at the miracle we had created. I started thinking that I could dig my fathers’ company out of the trouble he had created and still have the two of you in my life.”
He shook his head as he leaned back blowing a breath out and looking into the park. The sound of laughter coming from the school children as they made their way past us and into one of the attractions around the edge of the park slightly lessened the seriousness of the mood.
“I got a call from my father a few hours after we had gone to bed. He had borrowed more money from the loan sharks without telling me, thinking he could pay them back behind my back and I wouldn’t know about it. Stupid man. They came calling for the money and my mom was the target this time. She had been run off the road while visiting her sister. At first, they thought it was an accident but the police found bullet holes in her car. Someone had shot at her and caused her to wreck, breaking both of her legs and causing an open skull fracture. She was in ICU and they warned my dad that I was next. I didn’t want them to connect me to your mother in any way so I did the cowardly thing and left. I packed a few personal items, took some of the pictures we had taken of us through the years, spent some time holding you and I walked away.” He said as a fresh round of tears fell from both of our eyes.
His pain was still raw and I began to think that mom was right. My memories of him were of a bad moment, not of him in general. Anyone who would leave his family to protect their lives was a good man. I didn’t want to interrupt him with questions but one kept popping up into my head.
Lucas hadn’t said anything throughout this exchange. His silent strength a testament to his devotion to both of us and his desire for us to reunite. I squeezed his hand as I asked the million-dollar question.
“Why did you send us away when we came to your house? I remember you yelling at us to leave and how heart broken momma was when you told us to go and not come back.”
He winced at the words I directed at him, shame and regret evident.
“I was still dealing with paying off the loan and digging the company out of the hole he tried to put us in. I was still being monitored by them and there were still periodic threats against us all. My mother was just starting to walk again after years of painful therapy, and my uncle had left the east coast for California. The night Sara came to the house with you, I had members of my father’s Board of Directors at the house planning a hostile takeover. We had the money to get the loan sharks off of our back and an agreement from them that the debt was cleared. We had repaid millions of dollars and the light at the end of the tunnel was getting brighter.”
“Then why send us away and never make contact again?”
“I tried to reach out to your mom. As you know, we exchanged letter for years. They couldn’t be often and they had to be secret. I would mail one when I was visiting an out of town city and she would respond by mailing a letter to my lawyer. He was the one person who knew about you and your mom. I couldn’t tell my family out of fear of them finding out about you. When she told me she was sick, I felt like my world had exploded. I had been working for years to make my life safe for you to be a part of it and she wasn’t going to live long enough for us to get our happily ever after.” As his shoulders shook and he covered his face again.
His words caused me to turn and hold onto Lucas like my life depended on it. My heart broke for my parents who never got to be together and for a family that never happen. I gathered my emotions, wiped my eyes, and turned back toward my father.
“She loved you. So much. Everyday she told me about how much you meant to her and I was so angry with you for breaking her heart.”
“It was never my intention to hurt her. She found about the threats when you were still an infant and decided to protect you from the dangers. She used my absence to have me removed from your birth certificate. I’m not quite sure how exactly, but my guess is a friendly judge back in Columbus. I don’t blame her for that or any decision she made to protect you. When she was getting toward the end of her life and she knew there wasn’t any more options, she made the choice to hide you from me. She wanted to ensure your safety and I think she did it to make sure you had a mom and dad to raise you.”
“I started looking for you soon after she passed away. I received word from my lawyer she was gone and I had a breakdown. I destroyed my house, drank too much, and refused to deal with anything for a month or so. Sara had a letter delivered to me via courier that arrived out of the blue. I was sitting in my back yard, pissed off at the world, at God, and at myself. I was self-destructing and didn’t care anymore. Sara was gone, you were gone, and I was alone. I sat with a bottle of scotch in one hand and her letter in the other. The thought of ending it all came to mind.”
Those words caused Lucas to suck in a breath. I guess he was learning new things today as well.
“I’m glad you didn’t.” I said as I offered a small smile to him.
“Me too.” Lucas seconded.
“The thoughts were pretty dark that night, all the moments we missed, all the moments we were denied. I’d hoped she could give me some peace, or finally pull me over the ledge. Either way, that night would be the end of my self-destruction. As I read her letter, I realized she wasn’t gone. Not really. Her soul lives on in you and her memories live with all of us. I was finishing up the letter when a little blue butterfly landed on the bottle I was about to take a drink out of. I starred at the small creature, wings more delicate than glass, and it stared back at me, wings slowly flapping without taking flight. I realized she was right there with me. She had never left me, not really. I vowed that day to clean up my father’s mess, get my life straight so I could be the father you deserved, and do whatever it took to be a part of your life.” He said as he reached out to take my hand into his. I was being held by Lucas and my father, and for the first time I felt truly complete.
The tears flowed down my face as I told him the one thing that let me know my mom was still around. “Do you know she called me butterfly? There was this butterfly house I went to when I was about six years old. You got to walk into this giant glass room filled with plants and thousands of butterflies that fly around and land all over the place. One landed on my shoulder and stayed the entire time we were there. We laughed and had the best time I can remember. We got a small souvenir from their gift shop when we left and I keep it in my jewelry box at home. It makes me feel like a part of her is still with me.”
“I didn’t know that, but knowing Sara, she will make sure we are aware of her presence. She is always with us, loving us. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. I’m sorry for everything that happened, Maddie. For all the missed years and all the tears, can you forgive me?”
“I’d like to try. It may take some time but I would like for you to be in my life. You mean so much to Lucas, and I would like to get to know you so we can move forward. How does that sound?”
“I think that sounds amazing. I would love to for us to get to know each other but there is one more thing I need to tell you.” He looked at Lucas who I turned to for guidance.
Lucas nodded his head for Jason to proceed. “You know MSJ Media?” I nodded my head slowly, a look of confusion my face. “Well, it stands for Maddie Sara and Jason Media. I bought out my fathers’ company and rebuilt it into the company you see before you today. One built with family in mind.”
“You named the company after us? I don’t know what to say. I’m honored.”
“He isn’t finished, baby.” Lucas said to me as he gripped my hand more firmly.
What could be worse than what Jason has already told me?
“Is there still danger? Do I need to be worried?”
“There is no danger, I promise, those days are long behind us. Its just that when I started the company, I decided to make myself half owner.”
“Okay. So, who owns the other half?”
“You do, sweetheart. You are fifty percent stockholder in the company. As of your twenty-first birthday, you became a multi-millionaire.”
