Page 47 of The Hand That Holds Me
I felt Josh behind me as he alerted me to his presence, his hand coming over my head and a cup of coffee appeared in front of me. He always knew what I needed without me asking and I loved him for that. I used to wish I could love him like he once loved me, but I know now my heart was waiting for Lucas. He was the other half of my soul and I felt broken and alone without him.
“I talked to Caroline last night.” Josh said as he sat down next to me with his coffee in one hand and reached for my free hand, linking his strong fingers in mine
“How is she?”
“She is worried about you, like Lisa and Joe are. Like Lucas is.” His eyes looked out into the horizon.
Leave it to Josh to kick the door open and address the situation. He gave me last night to cry and mope and now he was going to bring me to task.
Josh had such a difficult childhood before he was adopted by his parents and he felt that the best way to get over something was to confront it, talk about it, and move past it. He never let the bad outweigh the good and he was honest to a fault. I am so blessed to have him as a friend.
“I know they’re worried, but I needed time to think.”
“Have you decided anything? Are you ready to go back yet or do you want to stay here a little bit more?”
“Back to Atlanta or back to the house? Because I am not ready to go back to Atlanta yet. I lost my job yesterday so its not like I have anything to do.” I said, with fresh tears running down my face.
I really wanted to make the literacy program work and now I feel like I let all those seniors and kids down. The money MSJ Media was going to put toward these underprivileged parts of the community could have been a revolutionary concept. Major corporations were funding local groups that enriched the community and impacted the long-term futures for them all.
“Who says you lost your job, honey? I think you need to call Caroline and talk to her before you make any decisions. Yesterday was a shock to you but you don’t need to make assumptions about what is happening. She has always been your rock, lean on her, lean on all of us, but please be willing to listen.” He kissed the top of my head and left me alone on the beach with my thoughts.
He was right. I needed to call Caroline and apologize for making her worry and for ever thinking the worst about her. I sat on the beach, my arms wrapped around my knees until the sun started to warm my face. It was time to face the music so I could move on from all these secrets that have plagued me my entire life.
If I have been given the chance to meet my father and have him in my life. I needed to reach out and hear what he had to say. I didn’t need to let my fear override my chance at a connection to my past, my mother, and whatever future we can develop. I’m not sure where Lucas will fit into my future but I need to trust my mother’s advice and have faith in love.
I just hope it isn’t the biggest mistake of my life.
It was barely past ten o’clock when I finally got the nerve to call Caroline. I dialed her number from memory as I sat on the small deck behind Josh’s house, the smell of the salt air surrounding me that calmed me instantly. She answered on the first ring and it broke my heart at the sound of the tears in her eyes
“Hello”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Maddie, where are you? Are you okay? I promise I had nothing to do with whatever Lucas was doing. I pinky promise, Maddie. I would never betray you or our friendship. Please tell me you believe me!” she cried over the phone, causing my tears to flow, heart breaking for the pain I caused my best friend. She didn’t deserve the way I ran from her, shutting her out.
“I believe you and I’m sorry too. I ran from you but I was so confused at what I had heard. Jason and Lucas were arguing and I heard Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe’s names, it made me afraid. I ran so I could think and clear my head but I am ready to talk now.”
“Do you want to talk to mom and dad also? They are outside about to head out but I can run and get them.”
“They came to the apartment?” I asked, shocked that they would drive up to the city, risking missing work. They couldn’t afford to miss work and now I was beginning to see how irrational me running from my family was. I caused them all to worry and fret over my freak-out.
“No, I went home. I needed to talk to them face to face and I didn’t want to be in the apartment by myself. It belongs to you and I was so scared that you hated me.”
“I could never hate you. Ever! I handled yesterday wrong and I hope y’all can forgive me for making you worry. I want to talk to them, but I’m still pretty hurt. How could they go behind my back to hide Jason from me? Why would they lie for Lucas? That’s what hurts the most, the fact that my feelings weren’t taken into consideration before they started playing puppet master with my emotions and feelings.”
“I don’t think that’s what happened at all. We talked last night and I think they, like all of us, were afraid you were going to shut us out before you were willing to talk about Jason. Lucas got you to think about the past through a different set of eyes.” She was right. Lucas made me stop and think about the pain a seven-year-old carries and the perception I had of the past.
She continued, “Did he go about it the wrong way? Yes! Should he have told you he knew Jason sooner? Hell yes! Should you be mad and upset at mom and dad? Yes…but they deserve for you to hear them out. I really believe they did this thinking it would help you. They have never done anything without our best interest at heart.”
“What about Lucas setting me up to fall in love with him? How can I trust my feelings for him? Or his for me?” I cried to my best friend.
“Maddie, listen to yourself. He didn’t set you up to fall in love with him. You fell in love because he is a great guy who loves you so much. I am not here to defend Lucas. In my opinion, he has a lot of ass kissing to do. But first, you need to talk to him. And you need to listen… really listen… to him. Can you do that for me, Maddie? Can you give your heart a chance at real love? I think, with Lucas, you have that forever kind of love and you owe it to yourself to find out.”
Who knew my best friend had so much wisdom? I loved her for being honest with me and I owed it to myself to take that leap of faith with my father and with Lucas. We all deserved a chance at a happy future.
We talked for another few minutes and I told her I would call Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe this evening. She promised to send them a text expressing my love and understanding until I could speak with them.
The sound of the sliding door brought me out of my inner thoughts and toward the house where Josh was standing.
