Page 43 of The Hand That Holds Me
On impulse, I called the one man I knew never lied to me.
“Hey honey! How are you?” he answered with a smile in his voice.
“Josh” I broke into a sob.
“Maddie, what’s wrong? Where are you? Honey, talk to me, I need to know what to do to help, please. Do I need to call your family?”
“No! Don’t call them! I’m okay but I need to disappear for a couple of days. I don’t want to talk about it right now but I need to know if you can let me borrow your parent’s beach house in Florida?”
“The house is always open for you, but you don’t sound like you are in any shape to drive. I’m dressed and on the way to you now. I’ll take you down and get you settled because I don’t want you to be alone right now. I’ll stay until I know you’re going to be okay.”
“I don’t want you to miss work for me. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”
“You’re more important than any job, besides I can take a few days off. I’ve got vacation saved and I really want to help. Please, let me help you.”
“Okay. But don’t tell anyone where we are going or that you even spoke to me. Especially my family. No one can know where I am. I need to be off the radar for a while until I can make sense of things.”
“Now I am really worried. I’ll be there soon. If you are trying to go dark, get to the bank and get whatever cash you will need and we will pick you up a burner cell on the road. That way you aren’t on the grid with your credit cards or cell phone GPS.”
“How do you know this?” I giggled. Josh always had a way of making me feel lighter inside. His secret agent act was endearing and just the levity needed to lessen the ache in my heart.
“TV baby! Get ready, I’ll be there in less than thirty.” He disconnected the call and I was left with my thoughts, swirling inside my head like a tornado kicking up dust and debris.
Why all the lies?
Why make me fall in love with him?
What part did my aunt and uncle play?
Josh arrived and we swung by the bank for me to withdraw money for my“escape”as Josh as affectionately nicknamed my running. As we made our way into Florida, I told him the entire story of how I met Lucas. The first night at the bar, the job offer, the falling in love, and the conversation I overheard. Josh was aware of my father, but I filled him in on the recently discovered journals and letters.
I left out the sexual details to avoid hurting him. I knew it was probably unfair of me to call Josh but he was someone I trusted, and with all the lies surrounding me I needed someone I still had faith in.
He listened, asked questions when he needed clarification, and finally he spoke. Josh wasn’t one to drone on and on so when he launched into a speech, I knew it was time to listen.
“Maddie, you know I love you. I’ll always be here for you but you have always been afraid to open your heart. I don’t know what game Lucas, Jason and your family are playing but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Caroline isn’t a part of it. I had a drink with her at the bar last weekend after I received your text. The one where you said you loved him. I needed to see if this guy was the real deal. The way she went on and on about him, I know she didn’t betray you. I know you finally let allowed yourself to love someone. I don’t know what to say about Lisa and Joe but I think you need to hear them out. They love you so much and its possible you only heard enough of the conversation to make them look like they did something wrong. I can’t begin to understand what Lucas has to gain in all this, or why he felt the need to lie about everything. You will need to talk to him when you’re ready and hopefully he can explain himself. I’ve never met the guy, but if he won your heart then he must be pretty special.”
I let his words sink in. Did I hear things wrong? I don’t feel like I did… and my fatherwasin his office, talking about me. That couldn’t be explained away by confusion. Lucas knew my father and was working with him in regards to me.
We arrived at his parent’s little beach house in Mexico Beach and I immediately walked out into the sand, heading toward the crashing waves. The beach was my church, always showing me God and his infinite wonder, taking my jumbled thoughts and slowly putting them back together in a way that made sense.
I would have to hear them all out. But for now, I allowed myself to be lost.
Lost in thought.
Lost in emotion.
Lost without Lucas.
Josh sat down beside me and handed me a beer, no words spoken between us. We sat and watched the sun set on the horizon, the sky changing from blue to orange and finally the grey overtook the light, swallowing us up into the night. Fitting for my current mood.
As we made our way back to the house, Josh made sure to keep a hand on me, almost like he was afraid I would run from him too. I didn’t feel like running. I just wanted the thoughts swirling around my head to stop.
Why the manipulation? I would have listened to the truth if he had given me the chance. Now, I’ll never know if what I felt was real or just another part of his game. I couldn’t trust my heart, that much is certain.
I had turned off my emotion, feeling numb inside, knowing I would never experience what I thought I had.
Love.
