Page 33 of The Hand That Holds Me
It was hard to believe that I had only met her a month ago. It felt like she’d been in my life forever. When you find the person who completes your soul, time becomes an illusion.
She will be in my life forever. She is mine.
I sat down and pulled her onto my lap, her legs dangling off to one side, and began to rub her back in slow comforting circles. I needed her relaxed because it was now time to move into the next phase of my plan to make Maddie whole again.
“I missed you. How was your weekend, baby? Did you have a good visit with your Aunt and Uncle?”
“The visit was good. Uncle Joe had a great time at the baseball game and we went out to dinner at a new sushi restaurant on Saturday night. Aunt Lisa made breakfast for everyone before they left to head home yesterday. It felt like the old days when Caroline and I lived at home. I miss having them around, but I know they were ready to get back home.” Maddie responded with a huge smile on her face.
“I’m glad they were able to come up to spend some time with y’all. Did you have a chance to talk to her about your mother and father?” I asked delicately. I didn’t want her to shut down or become defensive again.
“I did get a chance to talk to Aunt Lisa about them. There is so much I didn’t know had happened. I’m still trying to process everything that I learned. It’s a lot to comprehend but I hope that someday I’ll be ready to meet Jason and hear his side of the story. I need to know if what I learned was correct or just my moms’ opinions.”
Now I was a little confused. Her moms’ opinions?
“What do you mean, Maddie? What opinions could your mom have had that would confuse you?”
She began to squirm a little in my lap and I could tell she was getting restless. She scooted off my lap and sat down next to me on the couch, her arms crossed in front of her, defensively. I was losing her to her own fear. She looked afraid of whatever she had to tell me and I worried she may never hear Jason out.
She turned to me with a look in her eyes that broke my heart. Her beautiful blue eyes were shining with unshed tears and when she spoke, there was a waver in her voice.
“He wanted me. All along, he wanted me, only I think that he had to stay away to protect us from something he was involved in. Its only an opinion after reading some of my mom’s journals and…”
“And what, baby?” I gently pushed her, trying not to sound demanding. I needed her to tell me her thoughts so I could guide her to the truth.
“He wrote my mother a few letters. They started when I was around a year old and stopped when I was six. Sporadic and random. Always with a different return post mark. The last one Aunt Lisa could find was written when he moved back to Georgia. It was the one that said he was coming soon for us.” She sobbed, turning her head so I couldn’t see her face.
Jason wrote letters to Sara? How did I not know this? What else am I unaware of that may cause Maddie to run from me? From us? Damn it, Jason!
With a finger guiding her face toward me, I used my thumb to wipe away the tears as they fell, holding her face with my hand.
“Of course, he wanted you, sweetheart. You are one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever met. I was enthralled with you the first time I met you. There is a light that you give off that makes people want to be around you.” I kissed her gently. “It makes me want to be around you all the time. Why does it make you sad to think he wanted you? This should be great news.”
“Now I’m confused. If he wanted me, why didn’t he take me when mom and I went to his house? Why didn’t he come to us when mom was sick and dying? Where was he after she was gone and I lived with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe?”
I couldn’t tell her what I knew, but maybe I could guide her into figuring out the answer for herself.
“Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded her head so I proceeded gently.
“What if, when he went to look for you, he couldn’t find you? You said that your Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe legally adopted you when your mom passed away. What if Jason didn’t know where to look for you. Adoptions are usually sealed records. Maybe he looked but wasn’t able to find you.”
“I guess that is possible but I just don’t know. Like I said, its confusing and exasperating at the same time. I spent last night reading though some my mom’s journals but they only reveal what was happening in her life and not a lot of information about Jason after her trip to New York when I was an infant. She told my aunt and uncle a few things about that trip that, I think, led her not to look for Jason again. I think she was somehow protecting me by staying away from him. She broke her own heart to keep me safe, and I don’t know how to process that.”
“If what you’re saying is even partially true, then she didn’t break her own heart to protect you. She gave her heart to save you. She loved you enough to keep you out of harms’ way. She was a strong woman and I can see that trait in you.”
She turned her head toward me and I leaned over for a gentle kiss. Just enough contact between her lips and mine to cause goose bumps to erupt on my skin and my heart to beat faster in my chest. A strong timpani rhythm letting me know it had found the one soul put on the earth to complete it.
“You think I’m strong?” she whispered in a small voice, nothing like the confidant woman I knew and loved.
“You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You give selflessly to others needs and are a fierce champion for those who sometimes get left behind. You are loved by those around you, Maddie. Me included.” I looked directly into her eyes as I spoke.
I wanted no room for confusion about my feelings for her. I needed her to know that I loved her because something in my soul was telling me this secret I have been holding in will be out very soon. I needed her to feel my love and run to me, not away, when my connection to her father was revealed.
“You love me?” She spoke with a tremor in her lip and a rasp in her throat.
Putting my hand up to her face, she leaned in, seeking comfort from my touch.
